The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I dug up and threw out all of DH's (who is committed to not drinking now) drug paraphenalia over a month ago, because it makes me nervous knowing that stuff is in the house, and he not only replaced it after I told him why it tossed it, but brought home more drugs, explaining that I needed to work with him on this becaue he's under a lot of stress and needs to taper off. WHAT? He didn't smoke pot for a month and was fine, and now, all of the sudden, he has to get more so he can taper off? Sounds like ramping up to me! After the heated phone discussion over it that he had to end with the promise of discussing the why's later, he went ahead and brought it home. He says I'm being difficult about it. We have a 3 year old. I swear, it seems like he's making a big show out of his authority and power over me by finding out what I feel strongly about and then shoving in my face how little my feelings or opinions mean, but he does it in a Ward Cleaver fashion that makes my head spin. Is there a sociopath-anon message board? I'm beginning to recognise that the problem here is not substances, but manipulation.
Now I'm supposed to live with the fact that he'll be smoking for the next two weeks and if I don't like it it's my problem because he is just the nicest, most over the top, fake, creepy guy in the world now. I feel like I just got ran over. Like I don't exist. We haven't had sex in almost two weeks (he's never let me make him wait more than 3 nights without a solemn promise to make good on the 4th night), and I know he's waiting for me to give in and offer out of guilt, but I can't. Every night I sit on the couch and pick chunks of flesh out of my arm waiting for him to say something about it, but I guess we are still in a stand off.
WHy can't I let go of his violent evil past? When will I ever stop being afraid of him? How many months of quiet have to go by. How do I know he's never going to explode on our son? Why do I not trust his niceness? I feel like the only way I can relate to him as a human being is if I'm far away.
There are three things to realize when dealing with an addict or alcoholic.
1) All addicted people manipulate others. 2) All family members get manipulated by the addict, it's the games they play to protect their addiction. 3) It will continue until you make the decision to stop allowing it.
Addicts and alcoholics don't love anything or anyone more then their next hit, high or drink.
Your comments, fears, concerns, issues are valid. They are things that you can learn to work through with the help of this program.
Get to a face to face Alanon meeting as soon as possible. Ask and listen and share and read all you can. You will soon realize everything you've mentioned is the same as others who have gone before you.
There is a way out of these mind games. We learn how to establish boundaries. How to focus on what we want and need and will tolerate. We can learn to trust our own instincts again with help from other members.
You deserve to have peace and calm and returned sanity it's yours for the taking. Nothing changes until someone changes. Since you can't change him know that you can change you and how you react to the games.
Your first obligation is to you and your baby. Know that what you say in those meetings is kept in confidence. You will begin to feel safe and comfortable again.
Please keep coming back and reach for the help that is freely offered. There will be literature on the subject that speak to exactly what you are identifying. There will be phone numbers offered by others you can call for support.
PM me if you would like the info for another site that does deal with sociopaths and the fall out WE deal with when we become involved with them.
Please listen to your fear. It is real and it is there to keep you and your child safe.
You have choices. The ties that bind are not steel and keeping yourself safe does not mean you do not love anymore. It just means you love yourself. That is a good thing.
I have nothing on which to base this, but it's my opinion that all addicts are sociopaths when they're using and often times even after they've quit but aren't in recovery.
I think it's the nature of addiction.
Go to meetings- at least you'll find people who know what you're up against. I can't tell you what a relief it is to find people who don't think you're crazy for not buying into his games.
Unfortunately addicts lie daily to themselves and others. It is the nature of their disease and eventually becomes part of their personality and character.
As many meetings as possible will be a great assist to you in finding your strength.
