What is meant by detach? - Al-Anon Family Group

lavash · Member

What is meant by detach?

Inpain · Senior Member

For me, detaching was really focussing on myself and truly making myself happy at all costs. Once that happened I got CLEAR perspective of how much my A really was sick and I was able to not let his sickness affect me in a negative manner. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have my faults. We all do, but I really worked hard at letting him fall. He made his own mistakes, and I didn't pick him up. I didn't do his scheduling, I didn't check over his shoulder, I didn't correct his mistakes, I let him be and focussed on surround myself with new healthy friends, and new activities, and my children. It's almost an uneasy feeling at first because it's so difficult to FEEL healthy because I've been SO unhealthy for so long, but when it came, it felt SO much better. I felt SO much peace and it was something that at first was so awkward because I had never had it in my life. I lived off the chaos.

I'm learning not to live that way. It's so much better now.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I sent u a PM.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

For me detach means that I do not have to react to everything that happens in someone elses life. I can feel empathy for them, but not be drawn into their stuff. I can be happy even when others are in chaos or crisis. I do not have to feel guilty. I do not have to fix their life. Detaching is getting a bit of emotional distance from others, My feelings do not have to be entangles with theirs even if they are people that I love dearly. I can empathise their pain without it becoming MY pain. I used to think that if my loved ones were unhappy, I had to be too. This is not true. It was one of the myths I was raised with in a Alcoholic/codependent family. I do not have to feel a certain way just because someone else feels that way.

I can also detach emotionally from those who would cause me hurt. I can see them for the sick people they are and not take to heart the hurtful things that they say or do. I can learn to understand that when unhealthy people are in pain they want lash out and blame others or make them hurt as well. A misery loves company mentality is not healthy and I do not choose to live this way any longer. I can have faith that when my loved ones are tired of hurting, this and other p[rograms are here to help them as well. I do not have to be responsible for their recovery.

JMHO. I hope it helps.

In recovery,

Melissa21 · Senior Member

Detaching doesn't necessarily mean leaving the A. For me it was to separate the disease from him. It's a long process. I quit worrying about him and starting minding my own business. It's hard when you are in a relationship with someone. But for ME I had to do this. I had to worry about me and do things for me instead of wasting my time and my thoughts on him. It was making me sick and I didn't realize this till I started detaching. I have to live and let live. In a way I see it as I took a step to the side and let him fall on his own, suffer his own consequences without helping him.

Detaching doesn't mean I had to stop loving him or hate him. That is what I had thought at first. I had to work on it one moment at a time and still I am working on this. It's a long/daily process for me even though I decided to move out on my own.

Mobirdie · Senior Member

The word detachment gives an incorrect impression to a lot of people. The word itself tends to make one think or "removing oneself" which is true in this venue to some degree.

However the portion of our lives that we remove ourselves from is not necessarily the Alcoholic/Addict in our lives.

In Al-Anon when we talk of detachment we mean to remove ourselves from the consequences of their disease. In other words we don't pick up the traffic tickets they got for a DWI we don't call to remind them of court dates, or that their rent is due or ask if their utilities are paid or any other consequences of their behavior.

It took me quite awhile to get that untangled in my mind but once I figured it out it made sence. It is OK to love an alcoholic.

Coping.org has a great worksheet on detachment and also one on anger. We have used both in our face to face meetings as a lengthy study. It's a very beneficial study if done correctly and followed through with.

Barb

lavash · Member

Thanks everyone for all the great answers.
I thought detaching was basically walking away for now until my BF was able to get his act together.
In the 4 yrs I've been with him, his life and lifestyle have made me cringe. His kids make me cringe. His family makes me cringe. They are all so dysfunctional. I therefore detached from them a long time ago. I refuse to see his kids or participate with his family. No one in his family drinks, but they are strange and cold people.
And they also ALL live in the same apartment building and are ALWAYS together.
I find it odd a grown man of 44 is always with his parents. This way of life keeps him sick. When I would tell him this or tell him it was a turn off, he would go nuts!
This is why I only see him when he does not have his kids or when he's not with his parents.

Of course, I very much try to control how he acts with this kids and family and am always on him about how he needs to raise his kids in a more healthy environment and how he needs to break the childish connected to his mom.
There are so many times I bite my tongue but there is SUCH a lack of common sense in his life, I sometimes just need to say something.

I don't live with him, rarely see him and we do not talk every day like we used to. Seems like I am detached. Now I just need to get over my DEEP damaging resentment and anger towards him.

This seems like so much work, isn't it easier just to leave? Or is this worth the fight?

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Hi Lavash, I refer to this a lot.....you may find it helpful.

Best wishes......Ness

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

"This seems like so much work, isn't it easier just to leave? Or is this worth the fight?" -lavash

No one can answer that for you but what u might want to look at, i ssee if you have any sort of pattern in ur relationships. You wouldnt want to break up, just to attract the same thing and find yourself in a similar and possibly slightly more complicated relationship.

I know for me, if I didnt look and learn my lesson in the relationship, I would simply attract another one just like only slightly more difficult or problematic. Focsu on you & work on you, to see if you have any issues that might be recurring.

Ness, thanks for that link - loads on detachment there, awesome.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Detachment to me, is not getting enmeshed with someone else... Staying on my side of the street... In my own little circle... and, Minding my own business. When I came to al-anon, I realized that we're all on our own individual journey in life. We are not meant to become enmeshed. This really challenged some of the religious beliefs that I grew up with, especially one we used at our wedding: "The Two shall become One." I cannot tell you how often I had spent an entire day worrying about my husband at work, if he had a challenging day ahead of him, especially if he had to work with his difficult boss... only to have him come home whistling a happy tune, asking me why I looked so frazzled!! I thought I was being a good partner. Today, I would "hand him over" to my HP and go about my day.

I have an appreciation for the DETACH acronym: Don't Even Think About Changing Him (or Her.) This helps to remind me to stay on my side of the street.

Another great question to ask, "Whose business is it?" It's either yours, someone else's, or it's God's.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.