The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this site. I need some advice on how to emotionally handle my AH. He quit drinking about 3 months ago at the recommendations of a counselor. The counselor also told him he needed to go to AA. He didn't feel he needed AA and he could quit on his own. He has quit before and always returned to drinking. I suspected he would not be able to stay sober this time either because he would not admit to anyone he was no longer drinking. Over the past few weeks he began drinking again. I'm not surprised but I'm upset. I need to know how not to be upset with his behavior. He embarrases me in social situations because he's usually the drunkest person there, and he has said/done very innapropriate things in front our kids when he's drinking. I usually don't go with him to social events and I'm really angry when he drinks in front of our kids. So then he goes out to bars with friends and that upsets me too. He then asks why I'm upset (I know he already knows) and gets upset with me if I don't tell him, but when I do tell him he gets really mad and acusses me of never being happy, etc. So of course I don't feel like sharing my feelings with him about his drinking because it always turns back onto me. I can come to the mindset that I don't care what he says or does and it's his problem, but I can't do that and still feel emotionally close to him and want to be connected with him. He does know when I don't feel connected to him and it upsets him, he wants us to be close. I've tried to explain to him that his alcoholism really upsets me and if he chooses to drink, I need to protect my own emotions. This just makes him pout and not want to talk to me. We have two wonderful kids and I wonder if my reaction to his alcoholism is more upsetting to them than his drinking. A relaxed and secure home is more important to me than anything and I need to know how to be able to create it even if he continues to drink.
Welcome , please find yourself some Al-Anon meetings u need support from people who have been where your at , and yes often our kids are more angry at the non drinker than they are the drinker , the drinker is often the fun one and kids dont understand our anger . Al-Anon will help alot to change your attitude about what is going on around you, there is nothing u can do about him = our kids deserve one sane parent and until he stops drinking and gets some help that is going to have to be you . You will learn to set boundaries in your relationship and how to have fun again ,regardless of what he is doing . Detach with love and get your life back . Louise
I'll second Abbyal's suggestion and feedback Brunette...You don't have to go thru this all alone. There is huge support out there for you. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs)))))
I agree with abby. Find some meetings..if you go and truly embrace this program it can be life changing.
I also wanted to add that I couldn't help but chuckle when you talked about your husband turning things around on you. The "A"s are master manipulators and of cousrse most of them have to point the finger at someone else so it takes the focus off them.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Of course he will blame you for always being angry. That is a guilt trip to get the focus off of his disease. You need support from people who understand. Please find a face2face meeting. Read all you can of the al-anon liturature that you find at the meetings. You will find help.
Keep coming back here, too. There are online meetings twice a day here in the chat room and often people in chat most of the day.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
