The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter recently had her first baby so my 7 yr old and I went to visit for the summer. We were gone for 2 months. My alcoholic husband knew that this time was going to be used to evaluate where our marriage/relationship was going. He stayed drunk. He did take one big step and admitted to his supervisor (he's active duty) he had a problem and that he was suicidal. This was at the begining of the "vacation." He took the drug that makes you sick when you drink and either didn't take it correctly or at all cause he was still drinking.
I got home on friday night, with a 7yr old so very excited to see his dad, who happened to be passed out on the floor. Saturday, drunk. Sunday, drunk.
So I called my dad Sun morn and asked him to come help me get my things cause I was moving back to their house. I was done. Decision made.
Mon, sober. Tue, sober. I gotta tell him what's going on and that I'm leaving on Fri. so Tues nite I do. His response was NOT what I was expecting. He was upset that I was leaving so quickly. He is ready to attend the real AA (as opposed to the active duty crap), wants to seek personal counseling as well as marraige counseling. He wants to do family things. Trips, waterparks, movies and walks in the evening.
All of these things are what I've been after for 7 yrs. Now, it's Wed, I have to decide what to do. If I delay my leaving, he doesn't follow through, I lose my schooling (going to college) cause I can't afford to move out by myself and my son has to change schools during school.
Hi LuLu...It is not for us to make suggestions...instead it is for you to follow your head and heart. You are a smart girl. It is evident reading your post. You'll make the right decision. Think it through and have faith in yourself and your abilities.
I will suggest AlAnon meetings to give you strength and understanding as you plan the future for you and your dear son.
With caring,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thanks Diva. Truly, that's what I needed to hear. Just wanted confirmation, I guess, that listening to me was what was best for me. I need to think of myself and kids now, before I think of him. If he wants to get sober and be what he says, he'll do it. Regardless if I live here or not.
Sometimes "quick action" is what they need for them to know you mean business. Keep in mind they are master manipulators, so, of course, he's going to say all those things. He knows it's what you want to hear. It'll keep you around.
As coming from someone who has experience with this.....there are ALWAYS options to continue college and financial support to be out on your own. And which is more important - your son having to change schools or your son being in a sound, safe and positive environment?
You'll know what you need to do & when. Just remember you are doing it for yourself and your son.
Best, HAWK
P.S. And what's with the military and their denial/acceptance of so much alcohol abuse. They take issues with drug abuse but sweep alcohol under the rug. My ex is also active duty.
Aloha LuLu...You've come to the right place and listen to all of the suggestions that come your way. Alcoholism is the very most cunning, powerful and baffling disease and there are no trite, simple answers to those who are caught up in it.
There is a difference between sober and dry. AA information and experienced members can offer a bright light to guide another on this information. Often the family's confusion is about the assumption that if he/she is not drinking they are sober...far from it and often times a dry drunk is crazier than a wet one. Alcoholics are human, children of God, with a fatal disease. They run scared when the world collapses around their drinking and they don't have the answers either. They will attempt anything to have it all including the drinking also. Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. They stop drinking and the compulsion grows while the body increases the cravings. Alcoholics will hurt without the chemical and even if they take drugs to defend against drinking there never is a guarantee they will stop and stop for good.
What about the spouses and the the family? That is what the Al-Anon Family Groups is all about. The survivors that come out of the program are those who went thru the insanity without the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. I got certifiably crazy. I was eligable for lockup and knew it and found the program first. There is a real God that really uses Al-Anon to mend the victims of someone elses drinking.
Here is what was suggested for me that worked for me...Don't do anything until I got to the rooms of Al-Anon. Don't make any decisions with my "old" thinking until I got into the meetings, got the literarture, read and learned the steps and traditions and slogans and repeated that for 90 days in a row if I could...I could and did over 100 meetings in 90 days and when that was over I made the most important decision of my life..."Keep doing it" until my sanity returned and I could made better decisions ongoing. I was told things like "One day at a time", "Let go and Let God", "Easy does it", "Don't React" (one of my bestest slogans), "When in doubt don't" (another biggee), "Think", (I needed to get a battery for my brain on that one), there was more and my alcoholic wife continued to drink but that was after I helped her to go back out after some continuous days of not drinking (not sober...dry). I played a part in that and that is one of the questions my program always asks me..."What is my part in it all?". I have to know that and not just default in blaming the alcoholic.
So that is just a wee part of my experience. If you use any part of it and it works for you..no charge I got it free also. If you decide to listen and read with an open mind to the other experiences here great! you're on your way. You will get stronger and you will get better at almost everything about doing life and often times when you work at getting your self healthy the alcoholic will find their own program. That is no guarantee...We focus on ourselves whether they continue to drink or not.
I wish you the best. You will make your own decisions. You can get better results often by changing your thinking.
((((((( lulu )))))))) <-- hugs, welcome to al-anon & MIP
Meetings, steps, sponsor is how we work our program. Listen & learn to others in the meetings, it will give u the support u need at this time. Living iwth active addiction, makes the whole family crazy and being a child that grew up in that lifestyle of dysfunction I know how difficult living in it & healing from that can be. I have issues for life but today I do have coping skills that allow me more options with how to cope with it.
WE don't advise but share ESH (experience, strength & hope). I would ask u questions, like are u absoltuely ready to walk away or not. There is no reason why you can't both be working on things, but living seperately. Some might say, do what you were already planning to do, in spite of what he is or is not doing. I too have noticed that A's make an effort a little too late, when ur utter fed up, walking out & divorced mentally & emotionally - then they make an effort. Like u said, will what he is doing stick? Only time will tell. None of us can know the future, that unknown is a universal human walk we all take. What we do actually have in reality, is right now, here, today. This is life, now. Focus on you, you are all u can control or change anyway.
How did u feel when u were visiting daughter for 2 months? Was it a relief, were u happy, did u hope never to return? When we tell our A's we are doing one thing, and then dont carry it out/through - they become empty threats & our word means nothing to them. Can u carry out your boundary? or will it prove to be too difficult to stick to. Only you can answer these questions. Whether u choose to stay or not, I urge u to get into f2f mtgs, find a sponsor, work the steps, u need support & understanding and u will get it in the rooms of al-anon. Not only that but as u heal, ur son will have a healthy person to emulate for the future.
Glad u found us and hope u give al-anon a fair try. Try a couple different meeting suntil u find one that u like & stick with it, talk topeople, share honestly and your answers will become clear. We are here for you as well.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi LuLu and welcome! I've been in a situation similar to yours in that it seemed that each time I was prepared to make an environmental change in my life, my aH would suddenly have all the right answers and promises for me. I don't doubt that he wanted to believe in those promises and answers as much as I did, but without help, they never did quite come to fruition. I have a 5 yr old son and my aH and I are separated now since last October. I find it difficult to have absolute faith in myself that I am doing the right thing for and by my child by choosing a life without my aH/his father. For me there is a lot of guilt that comes with that decision. I heard once ... "The only thing worse for a child than coming from an Alcoholic Family is living in one." For me, I believe this, having been raised in an Alcoholic family home myself. I choose to not raise my child in that environment. The support I've received here and in f2f meetings have made such a difference for me and we are always encouraged to keep the focus on ourselves, what we want, what is right for us, the things we can change, etc rather than obsessing, worrying and fretting about what the A is doing or not doing. I hope the answers that are right for you come to you with serenity and clarity.
I want to thank everyone that posted their advice. I decided to move out and have actually done it. Thanks to my parents help. My family's support has been amazing. I know in my heart this is what I needed to do to for my son and I to be healthy. It's been sad but I know it'll get better. I still have my moments of wondering if I made the right decision or if I made a truly selfish one. Then I remember that I need to be selfish on this matter. For myself, yes, but more for my son. To show him that his dad's behavior is not normal and it shouldn't be considered acceptable. I love my husband and I hope he realizes what is needed and takes the appropriate steps.
Again, thank you to all of you. Without your advice/info I would have felt too alone in my situation. I know I'm not alone and connecting with you all has helped me to be able to do what was necessary.
