The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I discovered this on the getting them sober web site. Content has been modified a smidge as I'm a grammar snob. But the message is the same.
When we know that the addiction is so far gone that we cannot live with the alcoholic and have peace, it is time to stop romancing the past.
That just leads us to living in illusion.
Romancing the past that can never again be good because the disease has led him way past where he can be decent in a relationship with us...it just leads us to despair and an un-necessary time of longing.
Yes, grief-work is necessary.
But it does not have to be as long...as anguishing...when we try to take the edge off it by reminding ourselves of what he was like in the last period of time of the relationship.
That time---that last period of time---is the best that it would be if we returned to the still-addicted person.
Because the disease is progressive...it gets worse.
For many of us who are romantics, it is tempting to up-grade the good times in our heads. To tell ourselves---and to try to believe---that the good times were deeper and longer than they were.
Because of our love of romanticism, we are often tempted to linger, looking at the relationship with a roses and violins background...when it was in reality only a few minutes of closeness surrounded by hours of drinking.
It is more fun to romanticize the past...it is tempting...but it makes our recovery time longer.
Be willing to let go of the romanticism...at least in terms of the relationship that can no longer go anywhere.
I definetely had to face this within myself, I too am a romantic. I also had to grieve the part of our lives that could never be - sort of like letting go of a dream or something or my hopes for the future for us.
I certainly didnt want to become bitter from having suffered a broken heart, so I went off with my wounds & healed it up & tried again with open mindedness. What's the alternative?
I also realized that my experience of loving someone else, is mine alone and it cannot be undone or taken away from me. It is still my love & it comes from me being loving. I can still love my exAH, compassionately and at a distance, far away from me.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am divorced and have no contact with my ex and I STILL have trouble with this. I can STILL let myself look back and linger....remembering, trying to justify in my own mind that he really WAS a good guy. He wasn't and the good times were few and far between, and mostly manufactured by me.
I also realized that my experience of loving someone else, is mine alone and it cannot be undone or taken away from me. It is still my love & it comes from me being loving.
I like that, Kitty. You're right. I love(d) him like no other and no one can take that away from me. Nor, however, can I expect others to understand as it wasn't their love that was experienced.
I'm just grateful for to those, including you, who allow me to feel what I need to all the while encouraging me to move forward.
