The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Very recently I had to push away my HFA boyfriend - the man I love more than anything in this world - because of his drinking problem. Although I feel the path this addiction is taking him down is tragic and it breaks my heart, his behavior was unacceptable to me and I broke up with him in the middle of our vacation. This adds to my sadness as it's the first time we'd seen each other in 7 months and we were sleighted to spend 28 glorious days together. (I was aware that he had a tendency to us alcohol as an 'escape' on occasion, but wasn't aware that he was a full-blown alcoholic.)
During our vacation when I began confronting him about his drinking he became very defensive and started playing the "blame game." I'm controlling, pout when I don't get my way, he doesn't need MY "drama" etc. (If only he knew my actions were a result of his drinking and my having to protect myself.) He tried several times to engage me in arguments, but I refused to go there. After 3 days of trying to salvage our vacation, his behavior hadn't changed so I drew the line in the sand. In the middle of our vacation I packed up and left - with him in tow. I dropped him off at his parents where he finished the rest of his vacation.
He was FURIOUS with me! I don't think anyone has ever stood up to him like that before. Based on conversations, it seems like other girlfriends have either had their own addictions or co-dependence. And he certainly doesn't lack for female attention and you know how most women are suckers for a handsome man we can "take care of." Sorry, that's not me. But when I left him in the driveway the look of hatred on his face was devastating to me.
Now I am left trying to process everything that happend. "What on earth happened?" "Where did everything go so wrong?" "Where is the awesome person I know is there when sober?" But also, I want to know whether the HFA knows they messed up. Although he was blaming me for the breakup, does he really know it was the alcohol? I want to know whether he is aware of the role he played in the incident. Does he hurt, too? Does he really hate me for what I did or does he hate himself for what he did?
How much are they aware of when sober?
It really makes me mad that he blames me for standing up to his behavior.
I don't ever expect him to admit to me any of this. That's why I'm trying to seek understanding and closure on my own. I've tried Al-anon meetings and haven't found my answers. I am finding plenty of resources to help the alcoholic or to understand the alcoholic, but no resources on how to recover from a relationship with an alcoholic.
Any information/resources you can provide is greatly appreciated.
Thank you for that affirmation. That has been the most difficult part of this whole thing - separating the logical from the emotional.
It just really makes me mad thinking that he's going through life blaming me for this whole incident. And not recognizing the consequences of his addiction. What's the point of having boundaries if they don't recognize the consequences of their actions?
I'd really like to know whether or not on a conscious level he knows it really wasn't me. That he should be angry with himself (or his sickness) and not me.
I want him to hurt, too. To realize his behavior caused the loss of a really great relationship.
Great for you! The mind of an alcoholic doesn't work like that of a normal person. I read a lot about Narcissistic Personality Disorder in an attempt to understand a person who was causing pain to a loved one, and I read that the Alcoholic and the Cluster B Personality Disordered behave in a similar fashion. I was better off when I quit reading about all that and started focusing on myself. I think it is natural when one is hurt to want the other to hurt. It really doesn't make it any better, though, does it? What is good for me is to take care of myself and get to the place where it doesn't matter about the other. I have had to detach from some toxic friends. And the great thing about that was doing what was best for me, and before much damage was done. I think you are very healthy, to have ended your relationship before it changed who you are. The realization in these parts is that a normal person wouldn't put up with what so many of us Alanons have. I hope Kitty comes on and tells you her story. It always makes me want to stand up and cheer.
-- Edited by Temple on Sunday 9th of August 2009 07:44:37 PM
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Hon, IF he is an alcoholic he has a disease that you DIDNT CAUSE, CANT CONTROL and CANT CURE. Focus on taking the reigns off him and looking at you. You are doing GREAT.
__________________
Faith is a bird that senses the dawn but sings while it is still dark.
I guess it's an accountability thing. Perhaps in the long run it won't make a difference, but while everything is so fresh, yes, it would help me to know he realizes the consequences of his actions versus using me as the scapegoat.
When an alcoholic is blaming you for their actions do they really know it's not you? Or are they THAT delusional?
Yes, when in active addiction they are delusional, there is no common sense. Addicts can only think about the next drink or the next drug which ever is the drug of choice.
You did absolutely the right thing, just think if you would have stayed there it would have gotten much worse.
Love has nothing to do with addiction, common sense is not there, any sense of any kind is not there. Most addicts are wonderful people when sober the sad thing is the sober times are less and less the stronger the addiction gets.
Your strength is very admirable. I am engaged to an alcoholic, and it is extremely challenging. Good for you for taking care of you and standing up for yourself! I am reading an excellent book right now called something like "Getting Them Sober." It is the first book I have read about alcoholism that has helped me to have a better understanding of the disease. I highly recommend it.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. Yes, they are that delusional. They have to be in that kind of denial in order for the disease to keep control of them. Honesty is the number one strongest defense against this disease, in my opinion. Active A's have no capacity for honesty. They will say and do anything to maintain the fantasy that they live in.
That is why our recovery is so important. Living around someone so deceatful and manipulative for any length of time is very wearing on a person. One can become truely as sick as the alcoholic.
Part of the sickness by the way is wanting to punish them and figure out their behavior. It is not our job topunish or make sure they hurt, and it doesn'tmatter why they do what they do. What matters is us working on our own healing.
You didn't get the answers you seek at meetings because they are for us to focus on ourselves, not the alcoholic. Also no one can truely say what is in the mind of another human being, A or not. We can only share our experience strength and hope, so we can each learn to heal in our own way.
Keep coming back and you may find answers, though they may not be exactly what you are looking for when you first get here.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Good work on taking care of you and setting some healthy boundaries. In my experience wanting to know if the A understands our pain or is feeling anything is a futile exercise. They are in the grip of active addiction and have no room to consider others feelings. Also to place any expectations on someone who is sick is asking for trouble. Focusing on what they may or may not be feeling is unhealthy for you.
Now is the time to take care of you, keep the focus on you, and stay strong.
I know for me the signs that the ex A was an alcoholic addict were always there. I made a point of not seeing them. Then I denied them, then I hoped they would get better. I did my share of confrontation. He always put on a great show about that. In fact he was even more resolute that he was going to continue using.
I took a long long time to accept all that.
I no longer bother really with what an alcoholic thinks. I have no control over that. If they want to get sober they can. I no longer try to second guess, persuade, confront or even try to get anyone sober. I know where that goes for me.
I'm gad you are here. No one finds all the answers right away. Al anon can take a while to set in and work. I know that is bewildering but it is indeed a program for growth for you if you want it.
Hawk. I was in the same situation as you. My boyfriend sober is the most amazing man I have ever met and when he was drunk he was the biggest monster in the world. I lived for a long time not knowing he had a drinking problem. I was ignorant to the signs and when I asked him and he denied an addiction I simply believed him! Little did I know, right!?
Anyway, same thing as yours. One weekend (he was drinking as always) and turned violent in his mood and actions. His anger in his eyes was INTENSE and he said HORRIBLE things to me (as he usually did when he was drunk). He called me controlling, possessive, etc Told me I was the one with horribly serious problems and that he was fine. But when, in a drunken rage, he became physical with me I left and when I finally decided to take his call I said, "It is drinking or me!"
To my surprise he chose to stop drinking and since then has been the same most amazing sober man I used to know. I have a lot of painful memories from when he was drunk. Things he would say or do and struggle with healing from those emotional wounds. My only advice is, try your BEST to grasp the fact that your drunk boyfriend was a totally different "person" then your sober boyfriend. One is great and one is not so great. Do not take ANYTHING literal that he did or said when he was drunk. He probably wont even remember it when he sobers up and will have absolutely no reasoning as to why he said or did it.
If you are still broke up I would suggest you find a really good therapist along with this group because its really good. If you are with him again I would suggest only being with him if he has decided to sober up because nothing good comes from drunkenness. Good Luck!
