The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For those who don't know, my aH and I have been separated since October last year. We toggle back and forth with spending time, not spending time. Normally I enjoy his company, because I like the person he is underneath all the A-isms. Though I find too much time with him leaves me feeling edgy and irritable, as I find I am affected by the white lies, unclear communication, manipulation of events that lead to nothing ever being his responsibility, careless health habits that are contributing factors to his debilitating disability, etc etc
I love him and I wish I could have all the things I love about him, and leave the rest. Obviously I am aware that is not possible.
We have a 5 yr old and I've wanted so badly to keep our family together and not let go entirely via divorce. My relationship with him is superficial at best, and for the most part I am chronically unfulfilled emotionally.
But I can't seem to let it go. I hope and pray and wish that HP will lead us back to one another and we can have that marriage that I want.
In that respect, I don't know how to be open to a revitalization of our marriage, while keeping in touch with reality of my situation.
For example, he called to invite our son and I to go to a local fair. I would love to. I'd love to walk hand and hand, enjoy our day together, eat candy floss, watch our son enjoy the rides, maybe ride a pony....I'd like my life back...
But I told him no thank you, and that he could take our son.
I don't want to lead him on. I have a pretty good idea that we'd have a lovely time at the fair, but when I need more from him emotionally, something that he can't give, I'd feel abandoned and unfulfilled, and feel like the "day at the fair" is just an illusion.
It sounds like expectations are getting you into trouble. I sure know how that feels. I think it is part of our disease that we always want more that reality is going to give us. It is a form of denial. I would suggest that you get out your daily reader and look up denial.
It took me a long time to let go of the fantasy of what I wanted my marriage to be. Letting our dreams die is so very painful, but we cannot move on to new ones til we let the old ones go. I felt so devistated when I finally let reality in and had to let go of my ideal fantasy marriage. I was really invested in that fantasy.
The thing is, it had always been a fantasy. It was never reality. If he'd just be like this/ do that all would be perfect in my life. Of course that was just denial and a great way to not have to look at myself all those years.
I know if I hang onto unreasonable expectations that are based on a fantasy, I am going to be hurt and probably end up hurting others.I will be resentful when things don't go my way.
If you can put those expectations aside and look at reality and what your A is capable of giving you, you can then make better decisions about your life.
So to answer your question, How do you decide? You get into your own program and work hard on yourself. You don't have to decide today, and when you are ready, the answer is often clear.
I hope this makes some kind of sense and helps.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
"I don't want to lead him on. I have a pretty good idea that we'd have a lovely time at the fair, but when I need more from him emotionally, something that he can't give, I'd feel abandoned and unfulfilled, and feel like the "day at the fair" is just an illusion." -Rora
I think realizing that u need more emotionally and taking that space out for you is excellent growth. We all need to take care of ourselves in this way so things actually can change, way to go ~ no longer setting self up for disappointment there, that is taking care of you, whatever it looks like.
I agree with Jen, when we take care of us, work our program and focus on self, in time the answers to decision we need to make become more clear. I have heard if you dont know what to do, dont do anything. Some decisions dont have to be made today ~ sounds like a nice day for your son to bond with dad. Way to take care of YOU!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
For me Rora, I called the time he could still do things, the fair, car drives, or just sitting and watching a move, good time.
I gleaned all that time that I could. As the reality is they have a disease and it get so much worse as time goes on.
Would give about anything to have even an hour of "good" time with him.
Being married to anyone for me, is the marriage it is. With an A it can be pretty unfulfilling at times. I changed me to be able to accept what he did give.
We cannot change them. I love him just how he is.
The marriage you want. We personally can put in what we want to put in.But to expect another to do that just does not work.
Is it possible to take one day at a time and making it the best it can be? I hope you can get to meetings, and read literature. Am glad you keep coming back here.
For me, once I knew I couldn't be married to my A forever, but wasn't ready to move on, I took it one day at a time.
Every day, I woke up and decided to me married, just for that day. I left the past in the past and didn't even think about tomorrow. I made a promise to myself (and only myself, I did NOT let the A in on my thought process) that I would enjoy myself, my life and my A fully for just that day. And those days were some of the best of my marrige.
I did not stay married. He eventually did relapse(again) and I knew then that I was done. I walked away without anger or manipulation. I just knew in my heart that it ws time.
I feel exactly how you feel at the moment, as I'm going through the same thing with my A husband. I have decided to take one day at a time, or in many instances, one MINUTE at a time, and not make any decisions I feel uncomfortable with, or hurried to do. I believe in the saying "time heals all wounds", and I'm going to use time as a way to show me how to decide. In the mean time I have decided to not have any contact with my husband, but to 'live and let live', and simultaneously trust that my HP will lead me in the right direction. I know that I don't want a life of lies, deceit, in and out of rehabs - and I try to remember the bad times, just as much as I tend to want to mull over all the good times. That's how I work it - I fully understand how you feel, and how confusing and exhausting it can be to be confused and not know what to do next. Keep coming to Al Anon, read your CAL and talk with your sponsor, and I believe an answer will come to both of us!! Good luck... Your Al-Anon friend in recovery, Newbelief
Aloha Rora and those who responded to your post. Maybe this has something to do with a very different AA meeting that I attended to this morning. I can't remember an AA meeting past that was done on the subject "love". I can remember the last Al-Anon meeting on that subject and that is an often discussed subject in the family group because the family seems to want to know more often than the alcoholic however this morning I was in my home AA meeting just off the ocean with a crowd of regulars and many sharing about "Love" to them.
It brought up all of the Al-Anon lessons I got about the subject. I couldn't many AA lessons except "self" love before being able to love outside of one's self or beyond one's self. That was a part of my Family Group heritage also and what it boiled down to for me as I went over the old lessons and then the final one with it's present consequences was arriving as the awarenesses of how I was and am loved without condition by my Higher Power and how my Higher Power desires that I love the sameway with all others.
I remember the early years and lessons when after inventories I came to the idea and belief "How could I be continued to be love by anyone for all that I did." I was apalled at what I had done and who I hurt and I found reasons to believe that under the circumstances I would understand being abandoned by those who loved me and hated by those who would not consider loving me at all. It was by uninterrupted attention from my Higher Power, God as I understand God today, that I came to understand "without condition." When I arrived at the definition of love as I learned it in Al-Anon by a member who had a much larger capacity to love and the smallest or no list of conditions against it that I learned, "love is the complete ...and total... acceptance of... every other human being... for e x a c t l y who they are." I believe I learned God's definition of love and why and how God continued to love me...without condition and I also learned that this "God love" was to be the measurement for how I love myself. There could be no difference. No I am not God. There is no requirement for me to be God to love like God. Total unconditional acceptance is attainable in this program.
The point of this is that I learned no matter the person, place or thing...be loving anyway.
