The material presented
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Thank you to everyone who has given me input. I don't think I would have survived without my online Al-Anon buddies and my supportive family.
Today is a lot better than yesterday because I'm slowly coming to terms with looking at him for who he really is; which is a sick person.
Plus I'm looking at myself and my own self esteem issues because of my attitude and perception about myself to allow someone to treat me subhuman, then believed him when he said I was causing more problems for him.
But my mom said one powerful thing to me. She said, you can't believe you have that much power in someone's life in that short of a time (four months) to cause them to be an alcoholic and a verbal, emotional and physical abuser especially when you yourself don't drink and tried on several occasions to steer him in the right direction to get help but he refused it?
And that's true. I did everything I possibly could. I tried, I really did, but I couldnt take his draining behavior.
I especially couldnt take the fact of how he had no interest in mending the relationship with his daughter thats 17 years old. I even begged him that we pick her up and I could take them both to a movie or something so they could talk. I told him time and time again that his lack of existence in her life is going to cause a huge void in her soul. And he would always give the excuse of its more complicated than you know, its not that simple!. Then told me about his numerous times when he would go to visit her high and drunk.
Then he shared stories about how he would go out to dinner with his mother and her boyfriend and get so twisted that he would embarass them both in the resturuant. So that threw away the theory of how IIIII am the cause of his drink increasing.
Before I came along he was sitting and laying around in his room at his mothers apartment, not working and doing nothing. So yes I guess I was the cause because he then had the transportation to get to the liquor store. So the only fault I take was enabling him, but the way he manipulated me and found my weak points, I found myself constantly taking him to the store to get Absolute.
It's sickening, but I kept trying and trying.
I told him about my own family, and a family member of mine thats been clean for 21 years. She got her bachelors degree and masters and is now a social worker, and told him if she could do it, with FOUR kids, so could he. I got information from her about AA, and treatment centers, told him about going into a 28 day detox, the 90 and 90, a sponsor, I told him about Vocational Rehabilitation for his depression, and that if he is suffering with any form of mental illness, not to be embarrassed about it, especially with me because I suffer with depression and anxiety myself, so I understand it. I told him much they (Vocational Rehabilitation Services) helped me because back in 1999 and I fell ill and couldn't work for five years, but went into Vocational Rehabilitation and got back on my feet, got my degree, counseling, treatment for my depression, and I now have a good federal job, a brand new car. I said to him, my life is not perfect, I have my good days and bad days, but it feels a hell of a lot better to know you have someone and something to lean on when those days get bad.
I tried to set an example when I was around him. I tried to expose him to an alternative lifestyle and people, but he never wanted to go around my friends. Even my mother was willing to sit down and talk to him to give him her perspective, knowing he was an alcoholic, and every single thing I suggested, he turned down.
Always made excuses, and said he doesn't want to work, and had the audacity to say "Ive been working for people for 30+, and I'm tired of working. If my MOTHERS candy machine business doesn't start making money, I'm moving to Florida permanently". I was like, then what? You going to live off of someone else down there?
That's what he does, go from state to state to mooch and live off of people for free until they get tired of him.
Plus everyone he knew knows is either in jail, not working or still hooked on drugs, so why would you want to go to Florida, when youve already tried that and wound up in shelters and living on the streets.
I couldnt win with him. He was determined to do nothing.
It's hard to help someone that won't help themselves.
Now I have to worry about him affecting my health because of his selfishness in taking off the condom without my consent and knowing.......
Sounds like you did everything for this man to help him and he didnt want it. He wasn't ready to change his life...so sorry you had to go through that. Now it's time for you..
wow I continue to be amazed when I read a share and think did I just write that. I did everything just like you I loved him and knew there was an amazing person under it all. Then oneday at a convention it hit me with a bang HP got through to me. He was sick and I was sicker than him always cooncentrating on others lives trying to help them make the right choices and see the light. With my A this had got to the exteme were it was affecting my work, health other relationship etc. I decided I wanted to get better I realised I had been trying for a long time and nothing was changing so I decided to chnge what I could. I wanted to be hapy, healthy I couldnt watch him go down waste his life anymore. I aslo knew as long as I was aroung him I would try and fix him. I came home told him he was ill and so was I I explained I needed to be around healthy people in recovery. I was very kind I did not do it to make him change I just realised I couldnt help him and I needed to focus on myself. He was upset and I asked him to give me space that we could be friends in the future. I handed his life back to him and began to focus on my recovery. A couple of weeks later he contacte me told me he was in AA because he wanted to chang his life he wanted to get better. He has been sober for three months now and lives and breathes AA.
Hope this helps take what you like and leave the rest
