The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've noticed that since I have become single again, that for some reason the men seem to be crawling out of the woodwork so to speak:). I've been asked out more times than I can count and have several men I talk to currently, but have been very direct in where I am and what I am and am not looking for. It seems though that the more I tell them I am not interested in a committed relationship at this point the more they pursue one(in their own ways) It seems almost 2-3 times a week lately there is a different male showing interest. At first I thought WOW EXABF was right, but now I'm thinking is this normal???
I remember early in my recovery, back when EXABF and I were still talking, he told me that the men would be very interested in me now, even moreso than before, but I wouldn't be interested in giving them the time of day-so to speak. And I never quite understood why he said that, but now it seems to be that way, and I'm curious as to whether anyone else has had this happen or knows what EXABF might have been trying to tell me in his sick way???
And I'm wondering why he would say such a thing? Is there something I am missing here? At the time I thought well he has been sober 10 years and in recovery and going to meetings so he must know what he is talking about, but I since learned that isn't neccessarily so, so I thought I'd bring it to the boards and see if I could get any ESH here....
Thanks for letting me share. love and peace shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
It always seems to be that way ~ when u dont look for it, there it is, when u are looking u cant find anyone to even have lunch with, I swear!
I def did chase men when I was out there dating. In fact the b/f I have now is probably the only one I did not chase. And I believe he stuck for that very reason. When I met him, I was working to discover self love, was struggling to keep me in FOCUS. So he heard me saying, focus on self, detach from others all the time. My struggle was plain to see.
Men like to chase us and when we do chase them, it can be very emasulating. I often would force relationships and outcomes & things backfired. I spent a year working to get me in focus & I wasnt about to let a man distract me from my work & what I needed to do.
I have even noticed that with A's, this does work... when u stop focusing on them, they come looking ofr you to see what ur up to. They do notice our shift in focused awareness. But that is exactly what we need to do, to stop enabling them.
When I love me first, I can be more compassionate & understanding of others. When I detach from them, I can be a better support. It does seem like an oxymoron but it is true & it works. I know it worked in this relationship. I didt chase him, smother him with affection, call him incessantly. I let him call me, I let him chase me. When he went home, I did not obsess on him. I detached & focused on me. I worked on self love and was fulfilled within. He became the icing, I became my own cake - I had my own sustenance for the first time, ever. I was not looking to be validated, loved or fulfilled, I did that work within first and I got to truly appreciate this new love with no expectations and it is quite glorious! It all seems like a gift, miracle, blessing and I am very grateful.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Alcohlics are very ill. I think it takes a long long time to grasp that. Nothing they do makes sense. To try to make sense of it is to spend a lot of time wondering how someone got as sick as they are. The issue for me was that as long as I had no boundaries I was very very ill too.
I see a lot of similarities between the alcoholics and myself where the "thinking" is concerned.
I know I like a good challenge. Oh, you're not so sure you like me? Well, I'll MAKE you like me! I'll be charming, funny... irresistible! The less interested you act, the harder I'll work!!!
Happens the other way around, in my own experience with men. Experienced this even with my AH back when we were first dating. For a while there, I was working hard to keep him interested... then at one point, I got tired of feeling like I was busting my butt and stopped paying him much attention and suddenly HE started the pursuit.
This has now forwarded into our marriage and my recovery. When I stop forcing my interests on him and start taking care of myself, he turns all co-dependent on me and starts trying to play the control card.
