The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife just got a DUI about half an hour ago. She managed to call me, so I went to the scene. Convinced them to just leave her car there since it was legally parked. Guess I'll probably be picking her up at the station in about an hour. I hope she doesn't refuse the breathalyzer. I had really hoped she would not have to learn the hard way like I did, but at least I'll be able to help her through the process (or is that something I shouldn't do?) It would be very hard for me to not help her. I'll probably suggest that she do the deferred prosecution like I did. But of course the decision is up to her.
A night in jail may serve her well....For me, that was a boundary. If my A ever went to jail because of drinking it wasn't up to me to rescue. He had to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I remember being on the spot so many times to get boyfriends/husbands out of jail and I have a no bail out rule now. You go to jail you pay the price, plain and simple. If it were me I wouldn't say a word I'd just let her work it out on her own.
I would have to agree with above, the easy lesson to learn is when you are standing alone trying to find YOUR OWN Way... Her DUI, Her Breathalizer, Her Mistake, Her Chance to Make it Right.. I don't Own it, I didn't Cause, and I can't Cure it...
I wanted to say that it's very clear you love and care for your wife very much. My AH had two DUIs. The first one, they kept him overnight to dry out and then drove him back to his car when he was sober in the morning. He didn't call me so I thought he was dead somewhere - I was calling hospitals and the police. The second one, they towed his car and called me to come get him after processing.
I think it's ok to help as long as your not enabling. For example, paying fines for them, making excuses, covering up etc. I've learned that caring for thembto the extent you're enabling is actually disabling them and denying the the opportunity to care of themselves. Easy to say and hard to do. Alanon has helped me get better at it.
I also have a no bail out rule. You get yourself into the mess, you get yourself out. I don't think interfering is a good idea. How will they learn to take responsibility if we are always holding their hand like a child. They are not dhildren. I told my AH that it was partly to save my sanity and partly out of respect for him that I would insist that he solve his own problems.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
My ex got her first DUI the other night and called me at 4am. It was the first time I'd ever had to show up for someone and I didn't even know that I had to get bail and just sat around waiting for her to come out. The passengers in her car came and bailed her out while I was waiting. I saw her on the way out and unfortunately picked that time to ream her a new one.
My lessons learned are a) tell whoever calls that I'll be down to greet them when their jail time runs outs b/c I'm not bailing them out and b) to wait to talk when I'm not angry and they are sober.
