well u know, Mariner, I can really relate as I have done all those same things too.  For me, what truly changed it was when I decided after getting the focus on self thing down pat - to love myself.  Something I never had done before.  Once I did that, a lot changed.  Before actual and literal "self love" I was a gaping hole of insaitable love.  All the compliments in the world didnt mean anything b/c I didnt believe anything good about myself. 

It was so simple and clear in my case.  Once I made an attempt to give myself some of the love, I so readily and easily gave to others - and let me say I started with a fraction of a percent - I felt it and it was tangible and it truly made a difference.  I had to use a lot of logic and kinda drag myself along.  I used healthy people I could find to emulate.  I knew self love was about self preservation and self protection and I decided I deserved some of my own good love and attention.

I actually thought I would become selfish, like an A.  Well, that did not happen.  I am a sensitive and caring person.  Loving myself allowed me to be that much more compassionate, caring & understanding.  What it did for me, was to allow my gaping hole of love & need - well it vanished.  I became whole by giving msyelf some love first. 

Sure, I still have my issues and tendencies but now, I can feel them, identify them and respond in a more healthy way, not stuck in that reactive mode I once lived in.  

You mention perceiving self as being totally unselfish and self sacrificing for the benefit of others.  I used to tell myself this too, that I was being this "great" martyr.  I realized that all this time, while I was self sacrificing, I was wasting the life that HP/god gave me to live.  This was the realisation that allowed me to want to get serious aobut loving me and doing the best with this life that I was given.  So I decided to take a percent of love for me -- I had to get down to 1/4 of 1% b/c that was all I felt worthy of - pathetic I know but let me say it made all the difference, I felt it, it was palpable and the beginning to the rest of my life.  The changes & miracles that happened for me after that, were huge, awesome.  HP knows what we need and is waiting to deliver it to us, we have to surrender. 

So sure, I still have issues, if someone gives me a compliment, I may feel like saying "No, Im nothing special"  but today I can say, that is an "old tape" and let it go and embrace the new and know I am special and deserving. I may only have about ten percent of love for me today but it is growing and getting better.  As I am kind and loving towards self - I can continue to practise it and get more healthy, odat.

I'm glad ur here and awareness is a wonderful place to be in to make changes, so happy for you & your growth, progress not perfection.  As an acoa, I give you permission to not be perfect and be human.  ((((((( mariner )))))))