The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This statement sucks. I know it. I hate it but it's true. There was a day we had this discussion in a F2F meeting. If you're new to al-anon (as I am) our members suggested backup plans. So, one member had the expectation her husband would remain sober as they worked on cleaning out a house. He didn't, she got angry, because she couldn't drive his truck home. She had no backup plan. She then told us if she had a backup plan (such as bring her own car), it would have just made life so much easier for her. She told us she shouldn't have had the expectation, and should have had the plan.
I took this to heart.
My husband is a dry drunk. Our marriage is doing well, but there are some things I have no control of. I may need to leave some day. Instead of having all heck break loose and me not being prepared, I visited someone that would help my family, should this day ever occur. This gave me comfort. My aunt will help us. I mean, it may never happen, or it may, but the sheer fact that I know if my A ever drinks and I leave, I have the plan. Not having control of your own life is scary, but making a plan is so empowering. It doesn't matter whether or not you ever need to use the plan, but knowing you will be safe makes a world of difference.
It even helps to have a backup plan for the small stuff (not just leaving the alcoholic).
One day I had plans for the whole family to do something fun when my husband came home from work (he was supposed to get home early that day). Well, he was running late and when he got home, I could tell he had been drinking. Luckily I had a back-up plan and my son and I enjoyed the rest of the afternoon cooling off at a local pool.
We have a saying here that going to an Alcoholic for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread . I hated that when i heard it the first time , have since decided that it was a gift for me I learned to count on myself , to be responsible for myself and not depend on anyone to get me out of a sticky situation . I have also realized that expecting my husb to do it all was unreasonable on my part , and that making me happy is my job not his , my sober husb is a bonus in my life to day and when I really need him he is there. And I too love have a plan-- in my area we call it plan B make your plans just dont plan the outcome - family plans if someone backs out used to fall flat here and I always had a resentment today if he backs out I go anyway , sure beats staying home and being miserable. Louise
i need to remember this. especially the part about going to the A for emotional support and how THAT's just useless.
i'm currently working on getting my finances in order. i always figured that my husband would take care of those things. all my life my mom told me that i needed to find a husband to take care of the bills, the money, etc. so now i'm beginning the terrifying journey of financially planning for my future.
The problem is when your hardware occasionally stocks loaves of bread. Then when you go there for it, and they dont' have it, you get all disappointed, especially if the grocery store is across town.
I read a study with rats that if they pushed a lever and nothing came out they would quit immediately.
If they consistently got something which then quit coming, they'd quit pushing the lever after a few unproductive tries
If they were rewarded intermittantly they would push the lever for THOUSANDS of times in the hope of the next kibble.
I am definitely in the third scenario and I have been pushing that #@% lever for YEARS!
I took so long to make back up plans. I really held on to some misplaced loyalty to getting the A to change. I had to really suffer before I would do this and I am sorry I wasted so much time. By the time I got to making a plan be of course I was "ready" and willing to take whatever it took to make one.
gngcrzy - WOW, I have never heard a statement describe me so accurately before. That rat analogy is me to a tee! I would "hit that lever" thousands upon thousands of times just to get the intermittent reward of some random emotional intimacy here and there. Wow. That's an eye opener. Thank you for sharing that. It will help me stay aware of when I am hitting the "wrong lever".
inpain - thank you also for sharing this, it is so true. I have been working on a backup plan, but it is hard to stay motivated, especially when being fed doses of hope from my husband...like him checking himself into detox. I know I need to continue with my plan as if this never happened, but man, it is hard not to get caught up in hopeful thoughts that make me turn my attention away from my plan.
