The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's a wonderful read. I personally love the "don't take it personal" message, which I need to remind myself to always follow up with "live and let live".
I so believe in this story. Every part of it. I guess the only part I struggled with was the part where he asked for the divorce. I almost felt she should have just said go.
I felt all the begging, and pleading with my husband to be the way I want, or stay, or act a certain way, never worked. It was only when I let go and focussed on me did he really start to return.
It's almost like the saying, .. You have to let something go free for it to return to you...
I do like how she had a timeframe in her head though...she set that boundary for herself and kept focussed on herself and never begged and pleaded.
I hate to put a "wet blanket" on your "A fantastic read" post. But I felt like I was reading a Cinderella story, or Sleeping Beauty, or Ariel, or any of the many Disney movies where the knight rides off in the sunset with the princess.
I have been through 3 divorces and am going through a 4th. Nothing about divorce is easy. And nothing about saving a marriage is as easy as this woman makes it sound.
I tried reading "Maxium Marriage" in my first marriage and putting the principles to work that it laid out there, which were very similar to your "story". It didn't work. We even went to counseling. It didn't work. He was an alcoholic an abusive one. So it didn't work.
I married a second time, thinking we had a lot in common... being both career oriented. He wanted out after a year and a half in the marriage, said that I wasn't what he needed as a businessman who was CEO of a company. I tried the "denial" tactic that this woman used. It didn't work. He divorced me within 3 months.
I met a man who was of similar religious beliefs to me. I thought we had it made in the shade, until abuse issues from his childhood surfaced and I soon learned that he had been sexually abused as a child. We went through every kind of counseling known to man, plus a trial seperation, a legal seperation, even tried a renewel of vows on a weekend Religious retreat. Nothing worked. There was too much damage done. The marriage ended in divorce.
Now in this marriage I have tried counseling through a pastor, a Christian Counseling Center where we did an indepth look at Communication. And finally a trial seperation. We listened to the Fireproof movie, did the workbook, all to no avail. The marriage is headed for the divorce courts.
I feel like I have done everything in my power to avoid a divorce at all costs in all four of my marriages. It just doesn't work for me. Maybe it's the type of people that I choose- alcoholics, or the son of an alcoholic that was so severely damaged by his fathers emotional, physical, sexual and spiritual abuse that there was no hope for us.
I like fairy-tale endings as much as the next person, but in my case, it just didn't happen. Times four.
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I wasn't so interested in the end results of her story as I was interested in the "you go take care of your issues because I know although you're trying to make it all about me, it really IS all about you" approach the author took.
I'm hesitant about any "happily ever after" leads myself... I don't even care for the carrot Al-Anon dangles in a lot of its CAL in regards to "if you get better, there's a good chance the alcoholic will, too!"
That's all fine and good, but I'm in this program for ME, thank you very much. ;)
I think it goes back to "Take what you like and leave the rest...."
The part about her telling her husband to do whatever he was going to do and being peaceful with it and getting along with her own life........that is what is helping me today.
Of course I'd like the fairy tale ending........I'm also realistic enough to know it's not going to happen.......it's ok to dream : )
I guess it's how you interpret the story. I've read some stuff by Amy Waterman. She had a rocky marriage where her husband left her. She cried, begged, fought, stomped her feet, and acted a certain way...it wasn't until she flew back home to her family and friends for a few weeks and focussed on her and "let go" of her husband so to speak, that the shift in their marriage occurred. When she returned home, she didn't call him every second, she went out with her friends, she did the hobbies, and activities that made her happy, and suddenly he was calling her.
I don't think marriage is EVER a fairytale. No one in this current day and age gets married and experiences Cinderella. It's not possible. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage out there anymore. Marriage is HARD HARD work. It's hard for BOTH parties involved and is really is a balance of both parties and if one person is doing all the work, it's not going to work. JMO
