The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Letting go of the obsession is the hardest part of recovery , takes a while and alot of practice . He will never understand how his behavior has affected you any more than u will understand his compulsion to drink . Why do u need to hear his voice ? to be rejected ? to suffer some more , take care of yourself , u can bet he is . Louise
This too shall pass! It really will! When I have moments like that, I try to think back to a similar moment in the past, one that I made it through successfully...one that seems like a distant memory now. I reflect upon how hard that distant time felt when it was actually happening, but how insignificant it seems now. Then I remind myself "That is how this will feel someday. It will feel like ancient history". This especially works when I am making changes that I KNOW are really good for me.
This is a good change for you and you are coming to the right place for support.
Do you have a phone list from a f2f Al-Anon meeting? Moments like these are what those lists exist for. The people who put their names on those lists are MORE than happy to talk to someone in a moment like this.
I am glad my family intervened for me by telling him to not contact me anymore or they would hurt him and call the cops because I know by now I would have heard from him and the way he left everything, left him feeling like he had the upper hand by telling me to not call and wait for him to call me.
He always has to have control of everything and even after I know he's not calling because of the fear of what my family will do, its like you said, its the obsession or even perhaps the addiction to his abuse?
This is crazy, because I'm sitting here thinking about all the things he did to me that hurt me, so much abuse; emotional, verbal.
I didn't even realize that shoving and pushing someone was a form of abuse until I started to research it online.
I'm so traumatized by him trying to steer my car off the road that I have panic attacks when I get into my car.
Why on earth would I want to speak to someone who has caused me this much pain.
((((kristie)))) Abby said it best-the obsession part of recovery is the hardest for me also. I fight and struggle daily to move on in my own life while EXABF moves on in his easily it seems. I struggle not to email, not to look at his myspace, not to let him in my head, and it is sooooooooooo hard. But then I ask myself, when I catch myself early enough (which isn't always as the folks here can attest to) WHY? Why do I want to talk to someone who hurt me and my son so bad? Why do I want to see what he is doing and who he is talking to on myspace? Am I looking to see if he is moving on? If he is hurting? Will the answers I get be enough? They never are. In my mind I can take a straight out yes or no from him and twist it to fit whatever I think it SHOULD mean. What's worse about it all-if he knocked on my door tonight I couldn't take him back. I'm not sure how I feel about him right now, today, but it's not love I feel-that I am sure of, it is obsession-plain and true-because he respresented everything I thought I wanted in my life.......I put him on a pedestal where I should have had my HP instead. I reached a level of insanity that I am battling my way back from with EVERYTHING I have......I became addicted to my EXABF as much as he was addicted to alcohol. There is hope for me and there is for you. Today-just for today-do it one minute, one hour at a time. Focus on you. Get to a meeting. Come here and post........email me everything you want/need to say to him......and remember that This too shall pass, and I promise you it will get easier and it will get better, but it's going to take time and work on your part Love and peace, Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
hon I have a horrible digestive problem from all the stress of his disease and family all passing.
I am soooo much better now.
I want to tell you, I would go see him, that would give me a reality check. Then I would not even want to see him for a long time. Then if I got that obsessive thing again, I made myself get another reality check.
I got over that longing quick. very quick.
This does not mean you cannot love him. He has a disease that makes you very sick.
When you get more seasoned in Al Anon then make decisions to go see him or not.
Think of it as a horrible, contagious disease. The only way you cannot get it is go to face to face meetings, read literature, post here, go to the meetings online.
We care about you, we know that horrible ache. YOU will get thru it I promise. Al Anon will show you the way!! love!!! debilyn
I'm just so freakin angry. It's like I go through different moods over this thing and I think part of it is, because I was never able to voice what I had to say. He left it with me the blame and cutting me off, then my family stepped in and spoke for me, but I never got to chew his head off.
I know contacting him will only make it worse, but I could choke him right now!
One of the things I found useful when I was extremely angry at someone, was to write them a hate letter in which you voice everything you ahve to tell that person. Write freely, write all u want or need to ~ write everything including things that he will never understand.
I would not recommend sending this letter, the point is to get it out of you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
The fact that you have not contacted him is probably bothering him more then you know. He has no one to try to control or abuse...just himself. Your family controlled HIM, that can't be setting well. All his anger that he took out on you is now simmering within . You have left him alone to look at the man in the mirror. That in itself is torment for an A. What they see looking back isn't going to be anything he's proud of.
Contacting him or checking up on him is self abuse. You won't get what you want from him anyway. Nothing you say is going to change him or make a difference.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
When I feel this way, I'll try to think of "what can I do different here?" I'm trying to change myself and my behaviors, so I try to do the opposite of what I'm desiring that's making me feel sick. If I'm really working my program, I'll call my sponsor instead of flooding my AH with what's going on in my head.
There's been a couple times, too, where I decided to write a letter. As I was first writing the letter, I was really getting spun out over the merry-go-round of emotions and fears whirling in my head... but the longer I wrote, the more I kept having this calm sense of "wow... this really isn't worth all the drama at all" enter my thoughts. It was a good exercise to just get everything out of my head, but without thrashing my AH and our relationship over it. I never gave my AH the letters... just called my sponsor and let her know about it instead.
The fact that you have not contacted him is probably bothering him more then you know. He has no one to try to control or abuse...just himself. Your family controlled HIM, that can't be setting well. All his anger that he took out on you is now simmering within . You have left him alone to look at the man in the mirror. That in itself is torment for an A. What they see looking back isn't going to be anything he's proud of.
Contacting him or checking up on him is self abuse. You won't get what you want from him anyway. Nothing you say is going to change him or make a difference.
Christy
Thank you so much for this! You have no idea how good this made me feel
