what usually happens when A loves you, just can't show you - Al-Anon Family Group

beacheemom · Veteran Member

what usually happens when A loves you, just can't show you

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((BeacheeMom)))))))

To be honest I am sure everyone is different, but in my experience the A has lost his tool for dealing with reality when he/she no longer drinks... that puts their world in a huge tailspin.

I wouldn't take any action or reaction to personally right if he gets sober.

My Father quit drinking after 25 years, and his personality has healed in the 20 years since... but nothing is instant. It took a long time for us to get this way... (all of us) and it could easily take a long time to turn things around.

Be gentle with yourself... and try not to allow any person to make you feel you are less than a wonderful woman... nobody has that right, sober or not.

Take care of you,
ron

-- Edited by rtexas on Monday 3rd of August 2009 01:26:48 PM

beacheemom · Veteran Member

thank you for your reply, I appreciate it. Yes- I keep hearing take care of me..... Not sure I remember how to do that anymore!!! After 3 small kids and a husband I sort of l"lost" myself. I do believe he is worth fighting for, he is a wonderful man. I know he wants this too, I guess just in his own time. He is dealing with a ton of stress at work, and his dad has some upcoming doctor's appts. that may or may not bring bad news. I am just tired of always being something with him- I really don't think he has any idea of what I need, even tough I have told him time and time again. I guess the real answer is how long I can wait, I feel like I've waited our whole marriage for him to get right. Just tired I guess. Thanks again! And glad your dad is doing better.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

wow you sound so much like I feel so much of the time.
Yes it is their problem not ours. For myself I know that when I take care of me
1. work out-get my hair nails makeup done and do it for ME
2. Read study pray every day- again for my well being not only reading and praying and focusing on our "relationship"
3. let myself do little things for me, buy me flowers, a soda or coffee I like etc.
When I treat the little girl inside me as I would like to be treated- even speak to her in my mind like I would like to be spoken to- and totally leave out thoughts of "him".
All of a sudden I am very very happy- by the way he usually steps up and improves (if he has a sober moment or two) but not always- but the purpose is defeated if that is why I'm doing it.

Just to let you know what works for me ( especially the little gifts to myself, flowers, flavored coffee, nail appointments etc. ) and keeping my mind busy at something I'm good at, work or even housekeeping ( since I enjoy it) or exercise or dancing or reading or puzzles or writing whatever you like.

also you mention having small children- after she was 21 my oldest said to me "MOM if there was anything you could have done differently it would have been to love yourself more because although I appreciate all the attention and money you spent on me- I will love and treat myself the way you loved and treated yourself- not how you loved me. so it is not selfish to have a certain ammount of care and respect and yes even spend some money on yourself- because your teaching your children what they are worth as adult women/ people- so find some balance-take care of your family, care for your A but remember to treat yourself very very well.

sterling7 · Veteran Member

I've been going to a counselor for almost 2 years, and she was always telling me to take care of myself, but I never quite knew how to do that or what that meant exactly. Well, after just a few f2f Al-Anon meetings, all of a sudden a light bulb went on. I guess it was in listening to everyone share about how they were taking care of themselves, that I realized how I can do the same. I'm still working on it, but I am starting to be able to "spot" opportunities to take care of myself on a daily basis. Sometimes they are very very small things, but they feel good when I do them.

-- Edited by sterling7 on Monday 3rd of August 2009 02:03:07 PM

beacheemom · Veteran Member

but are ya'll not lonely??? I am having a hard time grasping the idea that even though I'm not getting what I need out of our relationship I have to wonder is it worth it? Is it worth me being without a partner to share ideas with, cuddle with at night, someone who puts me first- like I am trying to do him. I have to admit that I do most of the time think it is worth the fight, there are times when I just want to throw the towel in and say I give up and find someone who is ABLE TO LOVE ME FULLY! I think I deserve that. The thing is I only want it with the man I married; there is noone else. He just can't give it to me. Also I think our girls deserve to see a healthy marriage so they'll know what boundaries to set when they marry. Again, I am just tired- soooooooo tired of waiting for him, but yet he is all I want. So confused!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely · Senior Member

are you sure you are not married to my husband? get this, this morning i woke up was lonely and wanted to hear my A's voice. I called him. Guess what??? he was home, he was actually in the same house as me and I didn't even know. isn't that messed up. well, after hearing i woke him up and the sharpness in his tone, i pulled myself out of bed, got dressed and managed to look my best. i carried myself into my office and had a wonderful day!
good luck.
sincerely,
tonya

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Would you be happy alone? Could you be happy alone?

I mean, I know what I want in a new relationship, but to be honest, I am not finding it. Yet, I know that I made the right choice in leaving my ex and being alone. I would rather be alone than with my ex.

So, I came to a point where I realized this. I knew that I would rather be alone and happy than with him and miserable and I left.

I didn't leave because he wasn't what I wanted. I left because I could no longer be myself and be happy with him. And that was after a few years of program.

Good luck with this. I understand how it is to want something that he just can not be.

buick23 · Senior Member

When my bf first stopped drinking I thought now he can show me his love and be a completely better person. I was wrong. He quit drinking in April last year and it took until just over a week ago that he opened up to me how he was feeling and why.

I thought for a long time he didn't love me anymore because he didn't show it. Now I know he does love me and since our conversation we have been doing better. Wierd thing is I was so done with him that Saturday and hearing him talk was like a wierd dream. I never thought that would happen. I'm still keeping my expectations low because usually when I expect something it doesn't happen.

I told him once more that day what I need from him in a nice way. I didn't judge, I didn't complain, I didn't beg.

I don't think anyone can make anyone want something or someone. I think they are very confused with themselves and life when they stop drinking and it takes quite some time to adjust.

Take care of yourself. Take what you like, leave the rest.

Inpain · Senior Member

beacheemom

Is your husband open to any type of couples enrichment? My husband and I went to a weekend one. It's intense but amazing and worked and to this day, we STILL utilize the tools. I have to credit it, and al-anon for seriously changing my perspective and communication with my husband. If you're interested, PM me and I'll give it to you. It's Christian based, so if you're not religious, you may find it a bit much, but again, between al-anon and this program my spirituality was enhanced 10 fold, along with my marriage.

Basically, it opens the lines of communication, when that happens, the rest of it - sex, intimacy, etc., follows. :)
IP

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

"what usually happens when A loves you, just can't show you?"

I learned to give it to myself. I learned to accept HP's love for me.

The program tackles my codependency. Codependency is investing my self-worth and well-being in what others think of me, and what happens around me. When I do that, my happiness and well-being are determined by the whim of others, and an insane world. That's crazy!

Thankfully, the program is chipping away at my codependency, and teaching me how to take charge of my own well-being. I'm learning to stop arguing with reality. I am powerless over alcohol, and over other people, including my ability to make others treat me the way I want to be treated.

If you lost 20 lbs, you are amazing and strong! Keep coming back, you are going to be just fine.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.