The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
No really. I've been recognizing when and how my life has been controlled and how I control. My AH-sober-dry drunk (not b/c he wants to but because he wants to stay with his family) decided after watching a reality show on baking cakes, that he wanted to bake one. I had to secrety laugh to myself but told him where he could find a box of chocolate cake in the house. He then asked about frosting. I called my mom who lives next door who sent over confectioners sugar. She then called me no word of a lie, 5X to tell me how to make the frosting (her control of me) and I repeatedly told her, I wasn't making the cake. I then felt that axious feeling and started to try to tell him how to make it. I recognized it right away, and walked away. I left the recipe on the counter and left. I knew it was headed downhill when I saw him adding a load of skim milk to the bowl. I walked out of the room and later when I saw the cake look like the split open turkey from the scene in "A Christmas Story" and poor Ralphie's Dad's face, I had to just go over and let him know it tasted great.
I felt good for not stepping in. This maybe did nothing for his self esteem, but it would have been worse if I was barking orders at him to make the "right" frosting.
Interestingly, my mom called and screamed at me today when she found out the frosting failure. I piped right up and said, I have NO control over someone else's decision not to follow a recipe. She was so angry at first and immediately started to blame me. She did back off and I found the whole thing very eye opening.
IP
-- Edited by Inpain on Monday 3rd of August 2009 10:32:43 AM
Oh I could see myself in this scenario....I got a good laugh though. I have a family full of codependants and I wondered why we didn't get along. This site has helped me tremendously....thank you for sharing that. I went to my first alanon meeting last wednesday and it was just what I've needed for so long...I"m glad I went.
Thank you for sharing that, IP. It was a good laugh, and also an eye-opener as to how hard it can be to maintain sanity alongside an A, even with a simple task like cake-making. I know the "old me" would have been all over him with "how to" advice, but I aspire to be able to "Live and Let Live" like you did here.
I'm sorry, but I got a great kick out of mom getting bent out of shape over frosting. ;) Reminds me of the slogan, "how important is it?"
I can relate, though... when it comes to anything in the kitchen, ie: food preparation, I can be a major control-freak. I'll hover like a vulture waiting for a stranded animal to die, giving unsolicited advice in how to slice this or to stir that more or whatever. It takes a great deal of effort on my part sometimes to turn away and let the person do what they're doing. (I'm getting much better about this.)
Probably a reason why I make most of the meals in the house (and it's not something I'm resentful about... I really do enjoy making good food).
Oh WOW!!! Is your mom MY mom??? I swear my mother would do/say the same darn thing!!! she has issues. Like making a HUGE deal out of frosting preparation and and no reaction to my ex being arrested for soliciting a prostitute the night before our 3rd child's baptisim....go figure!Wacky disease alcoholism!!!
Anyway, Good for you in leaving and not turning the whole thing into WW3!!!
