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My sponsor keeps telling me I need to love my A for who he is and accept him as he is. When I ask my boyfriend what it meant that he bought me a $1, 200 gift (that represents alot of money to us) even though he had just said he "wasn't so sure about us", he acts offended and he said" I'm not gonna let you control me and make me say what you want to hear-" it doesn't matter to him if what I want to hear happens to be how he really feels or not ... if he knows I want to hear it he will show it, but not say it because he is afraid of being controlled by me- I'm not guessing here this is exactly what he said.
Sometimes I feel like he is mocking me--- playing me--- saying to himself-I'll behave this way, then she will owe me, but I won't owe her a damn thing else...-- because I want the easy way out...just in case, hey I never promised you anything right???
NOW thank God for alanon- I know this is his problem from years of control and extream emotional abuse from his mother and abandonment from his father. And current control and abuse from his mother ugh... she even sucks me in at times.
I know it's his problem but it still effects me--- I have trouble with acceptance (because to me this is unacceptable) I have trouble with detachment. oddly enough If I treat him like I don't give a damn about him he seems to love me more (again.. his mom and her emotional distance) ugh....
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 2nd of August 2009 09:42:43 PM
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 2nd of August 2009 09:43:46 PM
I stumble over those lines in the Alanon opening - support the A's. My AHsober bought me a nice Christmas present and then insist on talking about divorce. Go figure. I am learning to accept the obsurd.
I am going to suggest that the next time you don' t understand something ask your sponsor to explain it not your drinking bf . Acceptance is just that , accept who he is , know that u cannot change him , which mean we have to get off thier back and out of thier face . I have a friend who says if you can't accept what is going on . leave it , if u can't leave it you damn well better find a way to accept it . sounds so simple dosent it ?? As to the detachment issue the more we live our lives and allow them to do the same the more insecure they get , alcoholics need to control and as we begin to change they are loosing control and they know it . so starts the games again . Detachment is for you so that u dont suffer because of his actions , take care of yourself and get your life back , its not about changing him . when I learned to accept instead of expect things got better . Which means I now have a choice , I accept who he is and love him anyway , or I don't .
