The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We've been separated for almost 11 months now but still communicate daily and see each other once or twice a week. I am now 5 and a half months sober. She knows she has a problem but is prejudiced against A.A. because she thinks she already knows everything about it (her dad is an alcoholic) and doesn't like it.
She has just lost her job (not sure if that was related to alcohol) and what she really loves to do is make and sell rings. There's only one problem: She sells them at the Sunday Market, which means she actually has to get up on Sunday morning. Doesn't happen every time, and she really needs the money more than ever now.
I've already told her she can't come over to my house with alcohol on her breath. I've already stopped helping her out financially.
Last night she talked about killing herself. Her mother attempted suicide, so I have to think it's possible. Hell, even I did once.
I want to stay with her. I won't divorce her over alcohol - that would be like divorcing her because she got any other fatal disease. I feel like we were meant to be together and I love her. But I'm starting to think maybe I should give her some divorce papers (and keep it a secret that I'm not serious) just to see if that makes her hit bottom.
On the other hand, what if that made her kill herself?
I just don't know what to do, but I don't want to wait. I know you're all probably gonna tell me I don't have a choice.
My ah before he started aa hit rock bottom. I had told him i didnt want him home i was getting a divorce and moving away. He threatened suicide numerous times in his 11 years or so of drinking. He didnt do it!! and he then started aa 4 weeks ago.
You've set boundaries that's a good start. Unfortunately as you know you cannot tell them they are alcoholics. Ive only had 3 weeks or so in al-anon so i feel a bit undereducated (although ive done the alcoholic bit) someone her may be able to give you a bit more of what your looking for.
Procedure for me if anyone threatened suicide would be to call 911. They either will be held for 72 hrs. observation in a psych ward, which is a good thing if needed.. or they will think twice before they make a threat again for sympathy's sake.
I would not suggest filing fake divorce papers. That's basically a head game and you trying to manipulate her. Since she has lost her job and can't always get up on Sunday, her bottom may be closer then you think.
It seems all alcoholics that aren't ready to get sober have some reason they don't like AA. She may think she knows everything, but has she worked the steps? Therein lies the difference.
I waited 20 yrs. for my A to hit bottom, but I enabled him for about 17 of those yrs. Step back and let her fall. As they say, no alcoholic got sober because their spouse, Mom, kids etc. wanted them to. It HAS to be a decision she comes to.
In the mean time..Are you attending Alanon meetings to learn how to help yourself through this? Just the statement that you want to do something and are waiting suggests to me that Alanon can help you immensley.
Fill your life with with things you like to do. Busy yourself. Waiting is not a way to spend any of your time. Build who you want to be in this time alone. It is a gift of time you may never find again. Congrats on getting sober!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I don't think bogus divorce papers are the answer. Just remember, any time anyone makes an ultimatum, they had better be willing to walk their talk, and ready to take that action.
Just my 2 cents.
I think it's important when we love someone to not be part of their problem, but to be there for them when they have problems. ... the shit is going to hit the fan, or it won't... but either way, don't bring tragedies on. You are never sure how it could back fire on you.
Worry about taking care of yourself. Be her role model in your own behavior. Soon, I would think, the disparity of your good life and her crumby one might start making her take note. But don't hold your breath. If you love her and don't think you should divorce over alcohol, then you have to love her-- even if she is an alcoholic, and that means accepting her illness as part of her and not expecting her to change. Wanting her to change in a way means you don't love her as much as you love the idea of her, the "What she COULD be". I know I would hate to be loved for the idea that I'm really a size 4 in my size 10 body- know what I mean? It just isn't fair.
If it were me, I'd be thinking seriously about divorce-- how are you going to take care of yourself and be married to an alcoholic? By not living together? Is that the sort of marriage you and she want? think about these things. Don't react, and remember that things will unfold the way they are supposed to. Give yourself, and her, time.
Aloha FS...welcome to this side of the fence. All my partners before Al-Anon were addicted partners and when I got here (before AA) I remember having the same questions you have and I also remember that I couldn't have gotten any crazier. Being that crazy, not having answers for my condition, another suicide attempt seemed eminent. And then I discovered what a sucessful suicide was in this spiritually guided program. It isn't about ending my life but about ending how I lived it.
How it worked for me after coming into the doors of Al-Anon was to leave outside of the doors all of my concerns and fears for however long the meeting would take turning myself over to the room and the people in the room and to the Higher Power they would speak of. It was suggested that I "keep and open" mind and if I did "I would find help." That happened to be my first test if I could "trust". Since everything else I had tried or was planning to try had failed, trust wasn't even something I could do with my self. I didn't even trust my own thinking. The what ifs became what if nots and I left it all outside the meeting. Because of my lack of trust and doubt I learned the slogan..."When in doubt don't!" so I didn't do anything about anything, except my own salvation, for the next 90 days. I was trusting coming back for 90/90 and I didn't even have hope during that period of time. I was just walking the walk without fear or expectations.
The different talk and ideas were a foreign language to me. I had to learn this foreign language before discovering if I had enough to go forward or make other massive choices. I left the alcoholic alone and I left alone every connection I had with the alcoholic. I diverted my ears, eyes and mind away from her side of the fence and put them squarely on where I stood. "Where am I at and what was and is my part in the problem called my life." I hardly ever mentioned her name in my conversations and never asked other for information about how she was doing. If she was back in program and working it that would lead to one set of consequences. If she was still out there "practicing" then she was continuing to get what she already had and... I brought a street sweeper for my side of the street and drove it every day. The short version of the 12 steps became my daily mantra and still is; "Trust God, Clean house, Help others.
No matter if she and I got back together or not; I needed recovery. I still need to be here.
Thanks for the support from your story. Most Al-Anon meetings are open meetings. You're qualified. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 2nd of August 2009 03:59:46 PM
I am saying this lovingly and with understanding , yup u sound like your only 5 months sober . congrats by the way . U can get the divorce papers if u like but what your doing is trying to force a solution , I have no idea what made u decide to quit drinking but am assuming u made the choice yourself nothing forced you . until she says she has had enough , she hasn't . Love her , step aside so God can get at her . We are programs of attraction , stay sober get happy and she just might decide to join you . No promises in either program to save a marriage but it does promise to return us to sanity . good luck Hopefully her suicide remarks are just to whip u into shape , but like cristy said if they are a threat to themselves or others call 911 ==== Louise
Welcome to MIP, FS, and cangratulations on your own sobriety.
Now the first thing you will learn in this program is that in Al-Anon we do not just sit around waiting for our loved ones to get sober. This is a program to heal us, to restore our sanity, not get someone else sober. What we do is get busy. As Jerry said, we trust our HP, clean house(work on ourselves), and help others. I'd bet that if you wereto throw yourself wholeheartedly into both programs and really work on you, you will have little time to worry about her at least for awhile.
We all can see that you love your wife, but if love cured alcoholism, there'd be no alcoholics.
My suggestion is to get yourself to a couple of al-anon meetings a week as well as you AA meetings, find an al-anon sponsor, and get busy with service. The best way you can help her is to get yurself better and be that shining example that she can look to when she is no longer able to go on as she is.
When my husband was still practicing and we were separated, I told him how much I loved him, that I knew he was not happy, but I could not save him from this, or solve this problem for him. I could see the pain in him, but when he was ready to get help, he knew where to go.
Besides, if she does finally want to get sober, you don't want to fall into the trap of trying to be her quasi-sponsor/guardian. You will really need to learn how to detach then. Better to work on yourself now, so it will be easier for you when/if her sobriety happens.
Good luck to you.
PS, a suicide threat is cause for a 911 call.
In recovery,
-- Edited by Jen on Sunday 2nd of August 2009 06:25:55 PM
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Hi Flying Squirrel- I don't have any words of wisdom and simply want to let you know that you are not alone and that my prayers are with you. I am in a very similar situation. AH went to rehab on his own and seemed to get it, but since getting home, 10 days now, I've discovered he had an affair in rehab (a drink on 2 legs, an Al Anon friend has told me) and he's gone to a few AA meetings, but mostly at my urging - even though he told his rehab counselor in front of me that he'd go to 5 meetings per week, get a sponsor within 1 week, none of that has been done.
You at least have the sanity of being in separate homes and having set your boundaries. It's much harder having my AH living here, not knowing when he's messing with me or not. I keep getting sucked into the drama - so I call my support people, read a lot, and pray.
I like your statement about not divorcing over alcoholism.
my more experienced alanon friends tell me- say what you mean and mean what you say.. and filing and not intending it sounds like maybe you might want to really look close at your intentions in all areas of your life... they tell me all the time focus on myself and detach. I feel so much better when I do... if you don't really "get this" yet keep readying and studying and praying and maybe it will make more sense to you- I have to go over it again and again - it's all against my "nature".
remembering to only say what I really mean helps me.
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 2nd of August 2009 09:52:52 PM
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 2nd of August 2009 09:53:54 PM
Stick to your recovery program. Love her anyway. Go to meetings. Call if you are concerned. It is the disease of alcoholism that is cunning, baffling, insidious.
Welcome to the MIP family. Congratulations on your sobriety! As you well know an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do. There's nothing you can do about it. What we think of their rock bottom the majority of the time isn't. They have to find their way to sobriety on their own terms, not ours. Remember recovery is selfish. It has to be in order to make it work. Your recovery is about you and for you, regardless if she chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve.
Think about how you would feel if your wife filed for divorce and didn't tell you. It's trying to manipulate and control someone. That never works. Certainly if she's in a fragile enough state to threaten suicide call 911. The doctors will take it from there.
The best thing you can do for your wife and yourself is to concentrate on your recovery. Turn her over to her HP. Who knows? She might see the joy of recovery and want a piece of that. I wish you continued success on your recovery. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks for all the advice.. I tried Al-Anon meetings, but it messed with my brain too much. Maybe after I've spent some more time in AA I'll be ready to give it another try. In the mean time I'll take your advice not to try and force the issue.
As you well know an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do. There's nothing you can do about it. What we think of their rock bottom the majority of the time isn't. They have to find their way to sobriety on their own terms, not ours. Remember recovery is selfish. It has to be in order to make it work. Your recovery is about you and for you, regardless if she chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. 
I wish you continued success on your recovery. Love and blessings to you and your family.