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At what age is it appropriate to tell a child about a parent's addiction? Here's what's going on.
Yesterday my older niece "Laura" called me to tell me her Dad stole her car while she was with her Mom & younger sister "Lisa" white water rafting. When she called him and he picked up she could hear another woman's voice in the background. Now her father doesn't have a license. He's back to staying out all night, etc. The same old stuff that addicts do. He brought back the car. Laura went home and about 10 minutes later Lisa called. Mom & Dad were going at it. Neither of them has a temper that they control. So Laura picked Lisa up and called 911. She told them that there was a domestic dispute in progress and when she called her Mom she wasn't picking up the phone. They have been to the house before. Laura took Lisa back to her place to spend the night.
I called Lisa to she how she was. Mind you she's 13 and is the typical 13 year old. However this is the first time that she's ever felt fear and acted upon it. When I was talking to her the only thing she knows is that her Dad is having an affair. She says she wants to know what else is going on. She thinks we are protecting her. I don't feel it is my place to tell her that her father is an addict. I asked her if she thinks anything else is going on besides the affair. She said she feels like something is, but doesn't know what.
Frankly not having children I am not sure what to say to her. I did tell her that she absolutely did the right thing by calling Laura and taking care of her safety first. I told her none of this is her fault. That Mom & Dad have issues they need to work out. It doesn't mean that they don't love her. She's afraid that if Dad leaves he will never see her again. I reminded her that when my Tim divorced he always saw his kids. She's convinced that the 2 of them are not alike. She feels like she is stuck in the middle because both of them try and make her side with one or the other. She also feels like it's her responsibility to "fix" them. I told her it wasn't. They are the adults and it's up to them. She's afraid of what people will think if they live in an apartment, etc. The typcial teenager worries.
So at what age is it appropriate to approach this subject of addiction? I don't plan on telling her b/c it's not my place. But if she did ask questions I'm torn on what to say to her. Is there a book I can get that is targeted for teens?
I have not talked to my sister. Laura called earlier and said that the police came and talked to both of them separately. Dad refuses to leave and Mom has no legal grounds to make him. I am staying out of it.
My only concern is for my nieces and the reprocussions it has on them. I am hoping at some point I could get Lisa to go to Alateen. I'm not sure on that. My guess is that my sister would not approve because of her sickness. I'm open to suggestions here. Thanks for your input. Much love and blessings to you and your families, and critters.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hello, My step children were only 8 and 10 when I frist met my A Hubby. It saddened me that they saw their dad like that. But they grew up with it and that is all they knew. I remember the night when we were decorating our chirstmas tree and my husband told his daughter to throw away his beer that he didn't want it. Her response amazed me. That was the moment I knew that his kids were well aware of what was going on. She said to me...look, this beer still has more than 1/2 of it left. My dad never wastes beer. He normally wants another one before he's finished the one in his hands. This is going to be a good Christmas. Well, unfortunatly, it wasn't so good. He went Christmas Shopping loaded like a freight train and brought home a bike made for a 5 year old home to a 10 year old. Man....there were so many signs I missed. UGHH! Sincerely, Tonya
I have not experienced the situation you describe but wanted to let you know that I think you have something very precious in your relationship with your neices. That relationship will serve them well as they make their own journey through life as children affected by addiction.
In my own situation I talked with my son about his Dad's disease of addiction when he was around 12 years of age. This coincided with the presence of some very obvious consequences of his father's disease - hospitalization for pancreatitis/withdrawal and DUI followed by first inpatient rehab. My son was also coming into his own awareness " Dad should just stop drinking" "Why can't Dad drink like other parents and then stop?"
I described that his Dad had a very serious disease of alcoholism. That for him, even one drink can lead his brain to want so much more and not be able to stop. Because of this, to resist, it takes a great deal of will power and help from others. My son then described it as a great battle going on inside his Dad and maybe one day, his Dad will win. I offered Alateen and he refused it saying "It's Dad's problem, not mine".
In the absence of Alateen, I would be so grateful if there was a wonderful Aunt who had a strong relationship with him, where he knew he could safely talk outside of the home situation. For my son, that's not the case, although we are very close and we can talk openly about it and he has found support from his girlfriend and her family.
Karilynn, I see the dilemma if your sister is not open about it, I'm not sure if it is your place or not. I think HP will lead the way for you on this.
Hugs to you and Pipers! Midnight is sore at me today because I took her for her shot yesterday at the vet
Her older sister obviously knows. Could she not talk to her?
As far as age, my son grew up with it so I started planting seeds as soon as he could understand..little bits at a time, probably as early as 5 yrs old.
The vision of him peering out our picture window at night on tip toes in his Power Ranger underwear, looking for Daddy to drive up is forever stamped in my memory. . Ugh! That one still hurts my heart.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Like Christy's son, my kids knew early on... Daddy didn't come home from work, or outside to play, or even to the kitchen table to sing "Happy Birthday" because he was drinking beer. They're only 6, 8 and 10 now, and it seems like they've known since the oldest was four or five. Mine used to stare out that window waiting for Daddy's car to come down the hill after work, too, until I learned to keep them occupied then....
The girls are lucky to have you, Karilynn - and so are we.
If I had known what I do now, I would have told my kids from the time they were born.
Keeping it simple, that daddy has an illness, it causes him to have problems. It is not your fault.
Kids think all that is their fault.
I would engage her in a conversation about anything and wait for her to ask again. Suggest she look up Alateen. yes I would get online to Amazon and find her good books on Addiction.
Kids are precious, for me I carefully direct them. I would get her books and leave them at your house on the table etc for her to pick up.
I saw a movie where a girl was being molested, she was 13. A nice neighbor did that, got a book for her and left it at the neighbors house.
The girl then realized she was being raped.
Hugs to you, you big hearted lady. That girl needs you! For that matter so do we here at mip!
When I first read your post I was going to respond right away...saying that if your niece asks you point blank about her father/mother then you should answer her in all honesty.
But I waited. And I have been in situations where my best friend (who is my only family and my children think of as aunt) has said things to my oldest daughter that I didn't want her to discuss. Things about me as a young person, things about my relationship with my ex (her father). And I know she said them with the best intentions. And maybe they are things that should be discussed, but it should come from me, when I think the time is right, when I think my daughter is ready. This is MY family and I really resented my "sister" taking away what is mine to share.
I also thought about it from MY point of view as a child of an A home. And I would have LOVED someone ANYONE to validate my reality!! I mean, I knew something was severly wrong with my home life, but according to my mother, it was all just fine and I was blowing everything out of proprtion. If I had an aunt who would have taken me aside and said "yes, seren, it really is that bad, and no matter what your mother says, it is NOT your fault" I may have chosen a different path as a teen and adult.
So, I know this isn't alot of help as I have two oppisite opinions.....maybe I would just pray that the right words come at the right time to the right people. I think no matter what it is most important that you do not alienate yourself from your nieces. Good luck!!!!
your niece knows alot more than u give her credit for , they know something is wrong thier just not sure what . Explaining the disease would probably ease her pain , since i have spent time with teens ever since i came into this program , every one i ever met boy or girl thought they were the reason thier parents fought and drank . they are minni al-Anons and have lived with it all thier lives . yes there is alateen literature , writtn by teens for teens , Al-Anon publishes several books . they have 3 daily readers , a courage to be ME book the red book ADAT a day at a time is the first daily reader awsome for beginners . there is alateen literature pamphlets available at meetings or your local literature depot or office . In our alateen group we have them as young as 9 . depends on the sponsors its up to them and the kids to decide if they want smaller children in thier groups . Louise
He brought back the car. Laura went home and about 10 minutes later Lisa called. Mom & Dad were going at it. Neither of them has a temper that they control. 
So Laura picked Lisa up and called 911. She told them that there was a domestic dispute in progress and when she called her Mom she wasn't picking up the phone. They have been to the house before. Laura took Lisa back to her place to spend the night.
