The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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My name is Amy. I just stumbled upon this forum doing a google search about DUI stuff. I've been reading through some of the posts and find it oddly comforting that so many people will understand what I too am going through.
I've never actually admitted out loud to anyone that my husband is an alcoholic. Sometimes I feel really embarassed even thinking it.
I've been with my husband for just over 6 years now. And in the beginning we both drank a lot, and partied and did crazy stuff. But after we had our first child I stopped. In our six years he has continued to drink in excess. He got his first DUI three years ago. Paid all his fines, did the classes, spent a night in jail...blah blah.
His drinking has done nothing but cause problems in our relationship. We fight about how much he drinks, his going out to bars every week (without me) the friends he chooses to hang out with, the things he does while drinking. If I could count how many times he has said he would stop drinking to make me happy....yeah....it never lasts! He does become quite agitated when he is drunk, gets really mean with me.
This last March, he got his second DUI. This one was an extreme. Of course when his friend brought him home, I heard the song and dance again (I'll never drink again) which lasted all of two weeks.
His trial hasn't happened yet. And I feel bad...but I WANT him to go to jail. I want him to pay for his choices. We have two small children, and I can't understand how someone could continually make choices that could impact them in such a negative way.
The drinking continues. He has about 5-7 drinks here at home a night. And every friday (today) he goes golfing and out with his friends. Who all drive him around. And then every friday at 2 a.m. I go pick him up, with our two children in tow. And every saturday we go pickup his car. (which he shoudnt even be driving anyway as his license is suspended) It pisses me off, but I do it. It pisses me off that my older son knows that if I'm crying when his dad isnt home, it's because he isnt coming home. It pisses me off that he will say to his dad "I don't like you when you make mommy cry" and it doesnt affect him the way it should.
I know I enable him. But I would rather pick him up than leave him with his good for nothing friends to drink all night at their houses until the morning...
Am I bad for wanting him to go to jail? How do I get myself help? How do I convince him he needs help?
I keep thinking that THIS time is his rock bottom. THIS time he will see how this affects us.
Are you bad for wanting him to go to jail? No. In my experience, there is no "good" or "bad" - it's all just how we choose to look at it.
How do you get yourself help? Pull out the phone book or go to http://www.al-anonalateen.org and find local Al-Anon meetings. Get to as many face to face meetings as you can in the next week... decide if Al-Anon is for you. If you decide you could use the program, keep going back, find a sponsor and start working the steps.
It is possible to find contentment and happiness whether your husband continues to drink or not.
Welcome Amy....so nice to have you become a part of our MIP family. Sounds to me like you are in the right place and no doubt your HP (higher power) brought you here right when you needed to come. Know that you are not alone in the way you feel, and that there is hope for a better life for you and your children when you are ready to make the choice that that is what you want. We TRY to practice detachment here which is hard to do.....I struggle with it daily, but have found, for me, it is a neccessary part of my life. I would suggest trying to find a face to face AlAnon meeting in your area and starting there. They have lots of literature which will help you in your journey and also there are wonderful people there that can share with you. We also have online meetings here, and this forum which you obviously know about and both can link you to some of the best people I have ever known. They have held me up more times than I can count. Try to put the focus on you and your children-I know that is hard to do and I HATED it when I came here and people kept telling me that-but they knew what they were talking about. The Serenity Prayer talks about accepting the things you can not change (what can't you change in your situation?) Courage to change the things you can (what do you have control over-what can YOU change?) and the wisdom to know the difference.......I used to make lists when I was struggling....it helped. Keep coming back-it works if you work it Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
We don't give out advice. We are just here to share our experiences. You take what you like and forget the rest of it. You make your own choices.
Alanon is to help YOU!
We can not cure the disease, we did not cause the disease and we can not control it. Basically I was trying to fix the A's in my life and it wasn't doing me any good.
While reading your post it reminds me of nothing changes; if nothing changes. I kept doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. It's insanity and not going to happen.
One of the first things I did was worked on detaching with love and not enabling. He sleeps wherever he falls asleep, I will not buy him alcohol, I will not get him a beer from the fridge, i will not drink with him, not lie for him, not call in his work as emergency so he could leave for no reason...
I feel when I enabled I was helping his disease (alcoholism). I slowly quit enabling. It felt good. I started focusing more on myself and not spending all my time worrying about what he was doing, where he was, who he was with, when he was coming home. He noticed within a week.
I learn LOTS here. I have hope that you can also! Keep coming back!
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Thank You everyone. I am going to call on Monday and see if I can find a meeting near my home. Something has to change, because I feel like I am in a sinking ship right now.
Welcome, I have been coming here for about a year and I can not put into words what al anon has done for my children and me. My life is not perfect today I am still on a journey of recovery but I am a lot happier than I was, I see alight at the end of the tunnel now. When I first joined al anon it took me a while to accept that my partner was an alcoholic. I saw an alcoholic as a person who drank all day every day and shook when they didnt drink. But I learnt in Al anon that alcoholism is progressive it can start with very heavy drinking and you know it is more than heavy drinking when its having really negative impacts on their life and relationships and they dont seem to be able to stop even though they seem to want to when its causing them problems. Once I accepted my partner had a problem I then learnt it was a disease that he could not control. I could go on and on I could not put here everything I have tand the support I have had. All I can tell you is Al anon I feel has saved my sanity and given me back my life i hope you keep coming back and give it the chance to do the same for you and your children.
we say in al anon go to six meetings if its not for you you can have your misery back
Unfortunately, most A's are not moved by how their drinking affects their loved ones, but they tend to take notice when the natural consequences of their actions affect THEM, as they do when their enablers stop protecting their A's, and start protecting themselves. He is obviously in a "me" frame of mind, so personal consequences will have much more impact on him.
Going to jail could be the best thing for him. If he's lucky.
Hello amy and welcome , your post brought up some memories for me , early on I too used to pack my boys up in the middle of the nite , but then i decided that if he got himself there ( bar ) he could get himself home . to wake my sons was insane I involved them in this damn disease right from the beginning , pretty sick on my part and then u spend half a day going to get his car , and u never could make plans because daddy was usually sick and slept late and bla bla bla . I understand your concern Amy but this is his problem u don't have to allow it to run your life too , you have young children who need you . I hope u find meetings for yourself u need support from people who understand exactly how your feeling because they have been where your at . Arguing with an A is a waste of time and energy they don't hear you anyway , they just do not see what thier behavior is doing to thier families . this is a very selfish disease . Nothing u say or do will cause him to drink or stop but until he is made responsible for his own actions nothing is going to change , we have to stop lying for them , stop covering up crappy behavior , stop getting them out of trouble , when someone told me that by doing these things I was actually helping him drink , I was furious . So I stopped doing for him what he should be doing for himself , had to step aside so he could grow up . I only know one thing for sure Nothing changes til SOMEONE changes . and we cannot wait for the alcoholic .
