The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I came upon this old post I wrote about a year and a half ago. With all the new people we've had since then I thought perhaps this portion of it may be of some help. What made me post it today is the way that living with alcoholism can seem to change who we are and rob us of who we once were.
Below are some statements and a little explanation of things that are true for me and anyone else if they so choose... (as always, take what you like, leave the rest):
The meaning of everything is the meaning I give it. Only I determine what meaning to give to a happening, a statement or someone's actions. I have many choices and I will choose my best possible meaning for the highest good.
I am who I say I am, and my experience is what I say it is. Only I can have my experience. "I" choose how I see it, not what anyone else thinks I should see, learned, taken or become because of a particular experience.
"If you think that what you are experiencing during times of difficulty is real, you will quite literally make it real in terms of the effect that it has in your life." We can "choose" how we feel and deal, it is not a "must" to feel a certain way. Life does not dictate to us what is happening, we dictate what is happening by how we choose to percieve it...whew!!!!). I feel I need to explain this one better... We can see a situation however we choose to see it. Here's an example in my life: As some of you know I lost a daughter due to tragic circumstances. Many times people have said to me "I could NEVER have survived that." I wondered if they thought their pain would be greater then mine if it happened to them. I could never quite figure out what that comment was intended to mean. I always thought to myself "What were my options?" I guess they may have been as follows:
(A) I could let that event dictate who I am and how I forever looked at the world. I could carry the hurt with me and keep a tight grip on it, be hateful, bitter, angry, think life was unfair, make misery my mantra, try to figure out why, blame...on and on. OR (B) (this is after much evolution on my part) I could see the event for what it was, a tragic period in my life, that just was. I have the rest of my life to live without my child. I had to ask myself "how do I "choose" to live it?" I chose to live without option A and did my best to move forward and not let that instance define who I am. This is what is meant by "the illusion". One option was not cut in stone and dictated to me by life. I was not under life's control unless I chose it to be so. My option remained an illusion, hanging in the air until I chose what was going to be my reality. I could have chosen either one, but until I chose my option , my truth didn't exist.
"What you resist persists, and what you look at disappears." This one is easy. It's akin to 4th step thinking. You can't run or ignore the things you don't like about yourself or anything else because it will follow you. Not until you face it can you look at it and choose to change it.
"You decide, and you alone decide, what something means to you, and how you are going to respond to it."
"stay in the moment, don't futurize and don't past-eurize" To me this means don't hang on to old stuff and drag it in to the present and don't carve a nitch in your shoulder to carry it in to the future. For instance, there are those of us that have been abused in one form or another, but again, it's not necessary to allow it to define who we are. You are not the sum of someone elses violent act...unless you choose that option, then it certainly will be true for you.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks christy for a brilliant share. I am becoming very aware lately that I have tried to control a lot of things that i carnt e.g ABF.
But the one thing I need to control is myself my mind, thoughts action etc. Our minds can play such tricks on us and can run wild if we dont learn to master them. I believe that is what al anon is doing for me. It is slowley awaking me to the real control I have over myself rather than living in a fantasy world where I try to control and fix every one else. I believe I have some knowledge now of the first three steps and i am becoming aware daily of things I need to change about me. But it is as if i am scared to truley focus on myself. I am aware that my ind has become very negative due to living with alco holism I thank you again for reminding me that i ca change all that and that i have choices.
Christy wrote: The meaning of everything is the meaning I give it. Only I determine what meaning to give to a happening, a statement or someone's actions. I have many choices and I will choose my best possible meaning for the highest good.
I am who I say I am, and my experience is what I say it is. Only I can have my experience. "I" choose how I see it, not what anyone else thinks I should see, learned, taken or become because of a particular experience.
"If you think that what you are experiencing during times of difficulty is real, you will quite literally make it real in terms of the effect that it has in your life." We can "choose" how we feel and deal, it is not a "must" to feel a certain way. Life does not dictate to us what is happening, we dictate what is happening by how we choose to percieve it...whew!!!!). I feel I need to explain this one better... We can see a situation however we choose to see it. Here's an example in my life: As some of you know I lost a daughter due to tragic circumstances. Many times people have said to me "I could NEVER have survived that." I wondered if they thought their pain would be greater then mine if it happened to them. I could never quite figure out what that comment was intended to mean. I always thought to myself "What were my options?" I guess they may have been as follows:
(A) I could let that event dictate who I am and how I forever looked at the world. I could carry the hurt with me and keep a tight grip on it, be hateful, bitter, angry, think life was unfair, make misery my mantra, try to figure out why, blame...on and on. OR (B) (this is after much evolution on my part) I could see the event for what it was, a tragic period in my life, that just was. I have the rest of my life to live without my child. I had to ask myself "how do I "choose" to live it?" I chose to live without option A and did my best to move forward and not let that instance define who I am. This is what is meant by "the illusion". One option was not cut in stone and dictated to me by life. I was not under life's control unless I chose it to be so. My option remained an illusion, hanging in the air until I chose what was going to be my reality. I could have chosen either one, but until I chose my option , my truth didn't exist.
"What you resist persists, and what you look at disappears." This one is easy. It's akin to 4th step thinking. You can't run or ignore the things you don't like about yourself or anything else because it will follow you. Not until you face it can you look at it and choose to change it.
"You decide, and you alone decide, what something means to you, and how you are going to respond to it."
"stay in the moment, don't futurize and don't past-eurize" To me this means don't hang on to old stuff and drag it in to the present and don't carve a nitch in your shoulder to carry it in to the future. For instance, there are those of us that have been abused in one form or another, but again, it's not necessary to allow it to define who we are. You are not the sum of someone elses violent act...unless you choose that option, then it certainly will be true for you.
I love this post Christy! It made me really sit down and think of how it applies to me.
The meaning of everything is the meaning I give it. I am going through a divorce. I am learning positive things about myself and growing by having to undergo this experience once again in my life.
I am who I say I am, and my experience is what I say it is. No one can take away from me who I am. I am who I say I am. No one can make light of my experiences. They are my experiences and they are part of what make me who I am.
"If you think that what you are experiencing during times of difficulty is real, you will quite literally make it real in terms of the effect that it has in your life."
I am going through this divorce. I could choose to bemoan my situation as this is my fourth divorce from an alcoholic situation. I could chose Christy's plan A: (A) I could let that event dictate who I am and how I forever looked at the world. I could carry the hurt with me and keep a tight grip on it, be hateful, bitter, angry, think life was unfair, make misery my mantra, try to figure out why, blame...on and on. Or I could chose Plan B: (B) I could see the event for what it was, a tragic period in my life, that just was. I have the rest of my life to live. I had to ask myself "how do I "choose" to live it?" I chose to live without option A and did my best to move forward and not let that instance define who I am. I chose Plan B. I chose to learn from the experiences that I have endured in the 4 alcoholic marriages I have been in, to glean from them some understanding about myself and to grow from those expereinces. I feel like I'm a better person today because of them.
"What you resist persists, and what you look at disappears." I resist change. I abhor change. And yet it persits. Life is about change and nothing changes until something changes. Hence the divorce. But when I look change straight in the face and embrace it, my fear of it disappears. Or so has been my experience.
"You decide, and you alone decide, what something means to you, and how you are going to respond to it." I am a horse trainer who believes in the non-violent way of horse training called "horse whispering". My soon to be ex-alcoholic husband believes in the traditional method of horse training, which is to "break" the horses spirit and have it be submissive to him, the trainer. I have allowed him to discredit my way of training to the point that I have not wanted anything to do with horses anymore. It just angered me beyond belief the way he critized my methods of training, although it was evident that they were working. I unfortunately decided that training didn't mean enough to me to fight for my belief in it. Now I'm stuck in town, without a farm and without a way to realize my dream. I decided how I was going to respond to it and it had devastating results.
"stay in the moment, don't futurize and don't past-eurize" I will stay in the moment when it comes to dealing with the problem that I just described with my "horse whispering". I have today. I can move forward. My alcoholic will soon not be in my life anymore. I can choose to move forward. I may not have my farm anymore, but I have my experience working for me and can use that to work in the field of horses, if I so choose. I don't have to live in the past with my mistakes.
Thanks for this thread Christy, it has really helped me to look at myself. I also hope in going over some of my own mistakes, others will recognize their own and realize that they too can "Overcome"!
Love in Recovery, Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
