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Hi all, hope everyone is finding the strength and happiness they deserve! Right now I feel like I am in a different place than where I was, in a way. Husband and I are now sleeping in the same bed ( we werent because of newborn and kids) it had been years since we had slept in the same bed. So- for the past 3 nights we have been. The first two were amazing, I felt like I had a little of my husband back, it brought back the closeness that I didn't even know I was missing. It felt like it also brought back some normalcy to our marriage. But then- last night he announces he is not going to sleep with me, says he has to get some sleep, ???? WHAT??? I told him I wasn't in the mood for anything other than sleep as well, so not to worry about that! He then says that he is just going to sleep on the couch..... that he's afraid the baby in the porta crib will wake him up. She sleeps good, and so what if she wakes him up? I've been the one up with her for the past 9 months! So, I went to bed and cried. I just felt like we were making progress and then I feel like he's just making excuses. I think what hurt the most is that he just wants to be in the bed with me when something other than sleep is going on. THAT HURTS! Well, after about an hour of him on the couch, I hear him come to bed, and I didn't say a word. I am tired of the rollercoaster attitude I am getting from him. For the past week, I have just felt like maybe if I give off different vibes, make him feel that he is important to me and that I do love him, then I will get my husband back. Well, even though he still drank, I felt like I had him back for those 2 nights, and then last night I felt like I had lost him again. Why would he want to sleep on the couch??? We have a king sized bed. I did tell him that by him wanting to sleep on the couch and not with me really hurt my feelings, and made that clear to him- he knew I was serious. So, last night of all nights- the baby didn't sleep so well, tossed and turned all night and kept needing her pacifier. So, theis morning he mentions that to me, kind of like he was putting it in my face. So confused.
Hi there... sorry you're hurting, but the truth is, if he is still actively drinking, any "progress" you see or hope for is probably just that - stuff that YOU see/hope for, and not reality.... alcoholics, almost without exception, are incapable of satisfying emotional needs of others, let alone themselves, while they are in their disease...
There is a great old saying: "he's either gonna drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Time to dive into recovery for you...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
thank you so much for your response. your response of : "Someone who is using, and is ran by a disease. His brain is not normal-" really hit me, I just want him to be normal sooooo bad, that's all I want from him- for US AND OUR BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. When you said that, it really hit home, because I know we are not normal. It's really all I want. And I want it with this man, not anyone else. For the first time in a long time I feel as though I DO need him. Also, I think you are right about him wanting to drink while laying in bed or on the couch- because I kept hearing the back door open and close, he keeps his beer in a cooler on the back porch. So, yea, he just wanted to drink laying somewhere and knew that he would be uncomfortable in the bed with me doing so. Ugh...... this disease is so ugly because after all: IT'S JUST ALCOHOL- it's legal.... blah blah blah. The pain it causes is incredible.
My AH passes out on the couch all the time and then at some point in the night wakes up to maybe grab a blanket or turn off a light or something... but still chooses to sleep on the couch the remainder of the night. Sometimes he even waits until I've gotten up to take a shower in the morning, and THEN comes in to bed.
Before Al-Anon, this would really hurt me. I'd feel "less than" somehow - like he finds me undesirable, annoying... whatever. Just felt rejected.
It's taken me quite some time to get used to this. He'll go through spurts of doing this. Eventually... I actually started to PREFER his crashing on the couch. When he's been drinking, he snores horribly, which disturbs my sleep. So shoot - he sleeps on the couch and I get some good rest. There was one time he'd been doing it for so many nights, the first night he decided to start sleeping in bed again, I couldn't fall asleep - wasn't used to having him there!
It's just important for me to realize his couch-crashing has nothing to do with ME. My AH is uncomfortable in his own skin, and for whatever reason, that means sleeping on the couch creates a solution to his discomfort, whatever that may be. It really helped me to find the silver lining to his choice of place to sleep instead of thinking the reason solely rests on my shoulders.
I have a tendency at times to think the world revolves around me. Everyone's actions around me are because I'm simply there. Someone's in a bad mood? Must be my fault. Someone's smiling and laughing? Well, must be because of me, too!
Everyone has their own "stuff" going on in their heads... and alcoholics have got a LOT of "stuff" rolling around in their heads... so much stuff that the majority of their decisions are run by the disease and NOT on account of someone else.
