The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone, my name is Kristi. This is my first time posting on the board. I am just three days out of a relationship with an abusive man who suffers with alcoholism, and right now I'm having a hard time because despite of all the abuse, I miss him. I've been told that's normal, but I don't want to go back to him so I'm finding ways of intervention.
I'm going to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow.
I've known this young man for 20 years. He was my first real boyfriend and my first (lost my virginity) 20 years ago, and he and I got hooked back up through a mutual friend a little over four months ago. Four months doesn't seem long, but what I had to endure felt like an eternity.
I should have known the first day we hung out, when he asked me to take him to the liquor store, not to deal with him because he kept saying "this is not going to work" whenever I said no.
Now, here we are four months later, and he's gone into full blown alcoholism again, to the point where he needs detox and he blames me for his increased drinking.
The things that I had to endure (and maybe someone can relate), is him:
§Pushing me
§Shoved me out of a door because I didnt want to stay and argue because he was drunk then called me a weak bitch
§Grabbed me to prevent me from leaving, causing my arm to bruise
§Slapped me in the face
§Threatened to kill me over tiny stuff
§Tried to run us off of 495 beltway, later telling me he was trying to kill us, then changed it to trying to kill himself
§Threatened to rip my head off
§Screamed at me on several occasions including in front of friends and other people
§Called me a deranged fat bitch, again because I didnt want to stay around arguing while he was drunk
§Made fun of my weight
§Called me stupid
§Blamed me the relationship not working by telling me Im not trying to make it work
§Blamed me for the problems with his mother and that our arguing was causing him to get kicked out
§Took condom off without my knowing and my permission, and didn't tell me until after he ejaculated
§Made homosexual jokes
§Made threats to leave and never come back
§Told me his mother didnt like me
§Called me crazy
§Got angry when I wanted to leave because he was drunk or violent
§Blamed me for his abuse, saying that I caused him to get angry
§Minimized only slapping me
§Told me that I was the cause of his increasing alcohol problems
§Embarrassed me in front of people
§Never wanted to go around my family, even though he had been invited
§Made me feel insecure by calling other women in front of me, asking them to come and chill with them or that he was coming to see them, then blaming me for my reaction
Yeah so I can be just as crazy as you when recommending DORS or AA to him
called meWeird
Told me that Being around you makes me want to drink
Told me that Being around you makes me want to smoke
Yeah Im affectionate, just not with you
Who hugs and kisses their girl after sex
You need to lighten up
I dont think we are compatible sexually or have anything in common
I got tired of the abuse because I kept telling him to stop drinking so I talked to a friend of his in Florida, where he kept saying he was going to move to get away from it all, and I told her that he needs help with his drinking and how he's been physically and emotionally abusive towards me now he blames me for their friendship not being the same because she got angry at him about him slapping me.
He said to me the other day on the phone that I should have kept what goes on between us private especially about him slapping me, then said to me "how can you get mad at me for something, I wasn't even aware that I was doing because I'm drunk. You act as if I beat the crap out of you", as if to say all he did was slap me.
He's now getting put out by his mother. He's 39 years old, still living with her, and she's been tired of him before I came along, but because of an arguement we had, which I tried to end upon going into his mothers house, he became irrate and started yelling and screaming, then shoved me out the door and slammed the door, and she's fed up with him, so now he's blaming me because she's putting him out.
After all he's done, this past Tuesday, he shut me out saying that I wasn't helping his situation with his mother and making it worse because all we do is argue, but the arguing is because of his drinking! Then told me he hadn't been drinking in a while until I came along, and told me that if he did slap me its because I probably did something to provoke it, even though he has admitted that he's had violent relationships in the past and friends have told him he gets violent when he's drunk, then told me we needed to be apart for a while to get OURSELVES together because he says we both have issues.
I work full time, have a college degree, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't have children, never been married, I have a good relationship with my family. I'm not perfect and I know of no relationship where someone is going to do 100% right, but how do I have a problem.
He placed me on silent treatment, told me not to call him and that he would call me, but kept saying DO NOT call my house number, let me call you.
I suffer with spinal stenosis and fibromyalgia, and have been living with my mom, but applied to get my own place, and was approved, and set to move in at the end of the month of August.
He knew I was getting my own place, so I felt as if this "being apart for a while", was until he cleared the air with his mother, and would possibly try to move in with me, so because I know I'm weak to his crap, I've put off moving until January.
After all of this, I miss him and feel like it's my fault.
My family found out about everything because I finally confessed and told them everything he had put me through and my mother and my cousins husband called him and threatened him that if he ever contacted me again they would call the cops. Then my cousins husband called back and told him he hit the wrong one, that no one assults his family and told him if he ever heard a word about him again he would go over there and beat him up. Of course Kenny tried to deny and say he didn't slap me, then my cousins husband said "are you calling her a liar", then he said he didn't remember slapping me, so my cousin who was in the background said, its because he was in blackout.
Well so far I haven't heard from him, but I'm just being honest, I'm very weak right now and I miss him because we spent every waking moment together, now I'm alone and it hurts.
It is great you are heading to your face to face meeting! You do care about you, very important.
Feeling you miss the A, after all that pain shows how very sick the disease is making you. It really has nothing to do with your feelings for him.
I hope you find help here, you are very welcomed! You may also want to look for a domestic violence group in your area. It really does help. I learned so much.
hugs,debilyn oh good book,"Getting Them Sober" Toby Rice Drew
Welcome to MIP! You are in the right place and will find tons of love and support here.
The first bit of wisdom I'd like to share with you are the 3 C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. That being said, no one deserves to be treated the way you describe - kudos to you for breaking away from it.
Good for you for reaching out to Al-Anon. In this program, you'll get the tools to help over come the effects of the A's behavior toward you.
We have meetings online in the chatroom twice daily - please join us if you can. Here's the schedule:
All Times Are Eastern. * Al-Anon (Mornings) Mon., Tues., Wed., Thur., Fri. 9:00AM (Nitely Meetings) Mon.-Sat. 9:00PM Sun. 7:00PM All times are Eastern Standard Time -1 hour for central time -2 hours for mountian time -3 hours for pacific time +17 hours for Sidney Australia
Please take care of yourself and keep coming back!
I don't believe it is "normal" to miss this kind of terrible abuse. What IS normal is to experience loneliness after all the commotion is gone from your life. Good or bad. Still, no one deserves to be abused, physically or mentally, and no one has the right to treat you this way.
Certainly attend AlAnon meetings; you will find a world of understanding there; and perhaps find other things to do that get you out of the house and in the company of others. Others who will be friendly, supportive, helpful, kind, caring, and sympathetic. Since you have no children, you have time to devote to steering yourself in a positive direction. You have a close relationship with your family. Now is the time to lean on their support. Please do not allow yourself to be sucked back into the mire of the destructive behavior of an abusive alcoholic.
And remember, when he threatens to kill you, the last thing you want to do is brush off the posibility of him acting on that threat. Those kinds of threats are not to be taken lightly. Please take care of yourself and your safety.
Please note at the top of this board the following: "The material presented here isnot AlAnon Conference approved literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems, and solutions on a personal level."
The feelings I have expressed to you are my own.
With great caring and concern,
Diva
The material presenThe material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.ted here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You should be very proud of yourself for taking a stand and sticking up for yourself. When my AH went into rehab, I immediately starting IC and I would strongly encourage you to explore that as an option. My AH was abusive while drinking as well, and it progresses (as it usually does) from verbal and emotional abuse, to physical abuse. My counselor diagnosed me with PTSD, caused by living with the abuse. Between counseling and Al-Anon, I was able to find myself again.
I also want you to know that it is normal for you to miss him, despite the abuse. I was told once that we miss what we know, even if it was terrible. I remember crying the entire time that I filed for divorce, took out a protection order and had my AH served with papers during his intervention. I thought I was crazy!! The intervention was happening because I had finally told my (and his) family what was going one when I finally realized that he was sick enough to kill me. But I felt like I was abandoning him, hurting him, kicking him while he was down. It was INSANE, but it was OKAY. Those feelings are normal and they will pass. Do not beat yourself up for what you are feeling. That's what the A does to us, isn't it?? I have learning in Al-Anon that I have the right to FEEL whatever I want to feel. The question is whether or not to ACT on those feelings. And, what's funny is that alot of times, if I just sit with the feelings for a bit, they will pass. Feelings are not real. They are just feelings.
You can do this!! I strongly encourage you to check out IC and to go to some F2F Al-Anon meetings. And, please don't forget that an active A is INSANE and you cannot predict what he/she will do once the violence starts. Protect yourself!! You are worth it!!
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
(((((kristie))))) First and foremost-Welcome to MIP.......we are so very glad you found your way here. I can understand how you feel and will attempt to offer you my ESH. I spent 5 years in a very abusive marriage and was probally lucky to get out alive. I found that my EXAH never changed......he would beat my eyes shut-then bring me flowers the next day, bust my teeth out and want to take me to dinner later.....beat my head through the wall while screaming "what is happening to us". Alcohol turns many people into many things, but not all A's are physically abusive. With my situation the years of verbal abuse were way harder for me to deal with, and I didn't. When my EXAH and I finally split-I gave up on AlAnon-since he was gone I was going to be ok.....NOT....I had learned way to many behaviors from years of survival that served me then, but no longer do, those same behaviors led me straight into another relationship with a sober A. Take care of YOU kristie and focus on you! Go to the meetings and get some literature. Verbal abuse is hard to come back from but you can, for me it was easier to get over the broken bones. I'm a PM away if you want to talk more about it....... Peace and clarity...... Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I feel so alone right now. He's been my only company for months, now I'm facing the first weekend without him. You would think I would be excited because I don't have to put up with his drunken behavior and mood swings and threats, but I'm depressed.
Depending on where you live, you may be able to fill up your whole weekend with Alanon meetings. There's a concept called "90 in 90", namely 90 meetings in ninety days, and it can be a lifesaver when you're at the edge of the whirlpool. It gives you something else to do besides get sucked back in; and you start to heal.
Please come back and tell us how that first f2f (face to face) meeting went, and be sure to pick up a beginner packet - several good pamphlets in there.
Thank HP you got out sweetie, the abuse sounds horrific. The suggestions to busy yourself sound difficult at this time since you are feeling depressed, but it has been proven over and over again that it makes us feel better to change up what we normally do and find something we enjoy. Whether it's a A-lanon meeting or spending time with a friend..please do it! Or even better..both!
When we are in a abusive or depressed situation we tend to isolate ourselves. Our friends fall away and then we only have ourselves. This is where A-lanon can help lift you up until you can stand alone with confidence and a self worth that will not allow any type of abuse..ever.
We are sick too, that's why we came in to A-lanon. It takes a pretty sick person to put up with a alcoholic and their antics and go back for more or not leave at all. We've all been there. You will never be alone in this again. You have a worldwide family of support :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome - I am so glad that you're in a safe place right now.
It helped me to hear many times over that my AH's behaviors are in no way, shape or form MY creation... or MY "fault". I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
It is an unfortunate part of the disease where the denial and secrecy come in. I've been kicked while in bed by my AH (he was settling into sleep and jerked his leg - my AH is NOT a physically abusive man, and I can say that with certainty). However, the kick hurt regardless that it was an accident. I howled "OW!" and he had the gall to tell me "oh, please - that didn't hurt!" This has happened in the past where he's been tickling me or has gotten too rough with me in play and I'd tell him it hurt, he'd tell me "no, it doesn't!" and I'd just sit there thinking... "what???????".
However, this time around, after having him tell me how I feel (ha!) I actually told him very firmly, "Yes, it DID hurt. You are NOT in my body, therefore you canNOT tell me whether something hurt me or not!"
I'm glad you're going to get to some face-to-face meetings, and again... I'm glad you're safe.
And no - your ex's abusive actions are NOT your fault.
I missed the ex A who I was with for 7 years desperately for a while. The more I could learn to detach the better. I felt over responsible for him and under responsible for me. I am so glad you are here. I hope you will avail yourself of every avenue for help, join a battered womens' group (there must be some on the web at least), go to a counselor regularly, get medical attention. I know it is very very hard to go out and ask but I do think this kind of abuse needs tremendous attention and care in order to stop accepting this kind of behavior.
