The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday, my husband had to report to the court system for a pre-trial monitoring appointment (he is scheduled to appear to court on Aug. 20 for his DUI).
He called me from there and informed me that (according to the courts) he isn't supposed to be drinking, but that he did have a few beers earlier in the day and they ended up testing him. He asked me to lie and say that I drove him and will be picking him up if they call and ask.
I was shocked! First, I can't believe that he would drink knowing he had this appointment. And second, that he would want me to lie for him. He said he was sorry for putting my in that position. Luckily they never called to verify, so I didn't have to lie. Unfortunately, if they had called, I more than likely would've done it.
After that, I called my Dad to vent my frustrations. He told me that I should tell my husband that I resent being put in that position (which is true) and that I will not lie for him (which I agree with).
When my husband got home (at 4:00), we were supposed to go to the library. We had promised our son that we would both take him and he was really looking forward to it (he's 3 years old). Well when he got home, he just wanted to go into the basement, drink what was left of his beer in the fridge (since he isn't allowed to drink anymore), and feel sorry for himself. He kept telling us to give him time. Finally at 5:30 he said he wasn't going to the library - my son was heartbroken and was begging him to go. I finally convinced my son that he and I would go without Dad - I felt so bad for him. The library closed at 7:00 and I was so pissed at my husband for dragging his feet. If he didn't want to go, he should've said something sooner. As we were leaving to go to the library, he tried to hug and kiss me and tell me that he was going to need my support over the next few days. I jerked away from him and told him that I was pissed at him and then we left.
When we got home from the library, I got dinner for my son and me and I was getting ready to head out to a meeting. My husband said that he was disappointed in the way I acted before I left and I told him that I didn't appreciate being put in the position to lie and that I won't lie for him - he was not happy about that. He claimed that he would lie for me if it meant keeping me out of trouble and that all his friends (who he considers his "family") would do the same for him. He said that he feels so hurt and betrayed that I wouldn't lie for him.
I went to bed and he ended up sleeping in the guest room. Apparently he put a note on the guest room door, but took it down because he woke up and went to work before I woke up. I saw the note (sitting face down) on the desk this morning, and this is what the note read:
Do not open this door. I will go to work tomorrow and keep making money. I have NEVER told youthat I would not be there for you when you needed me. I cannot believe that after all the things you have said the last couple of weeks that you would act the way you did when I specifically stated that "I will need your help for the next couple of day." I feel bad about not going to the library, but at least I got the cahnce to call a few friends who really care. I love you.
I really hate this - I know I did the right thing, so why do I feel like I didn't? I know I shouldn't lie for him and cover up what he had done. Now I'm doubting myself. This really sucks.
So sorry for the long rant, it's been a stressful few days.
To make matters worse, I'm supposed to leave for an Al-Anon retreat tomorrow (leaving our son and my husband home alone) and I'm just so worried that I can't trust my husband. I haven't let him drive our son around since the DUI in February, and now here I am leaving for a weekend and if my husband wants to drive our son around, there's nothing I can do about it.
Keep doing what you have always done and you will get what you have always gotten that is what al anon tells us and its true. I kept saying him and he kept drinking because he didnt have to stop as long as I kept cleaning up the mess.
Serenity to accept the things we can not change we can not change that they get themselves into trouble because of their drinking. We can not change the fact that drinking comes before common sense. Change the things we can option one lie and husband gets no consequences therefore continues with this behaviuor or go against what our heart tells us and dont lie he faces the consequenses and maybe learns from it. I am a rescuer, a fixer I hate to see people in trouble pain etc. But Al anon has taught me if I truley care I let them learn from their mistakes. When my heart is screaming save him I now stop and think if I really love him I will let him sort it himself. Guess what my partner has been sober for 3 months cause he couldnt stand the consequences of his actions and I wasnt the cushion anymore. As for if you loved me and my friends etc etc. Its all emotional blackmail to get his own way his needs met it is part of the illness. Its like dealing with the kids mum can i stay up late no well such a kids mum lets them stay up or mum can I have lastest gadget all other kids have it. Trust yourself you know when you are being played. He will try every tactic in the book to get you to take care of him so he can continue to drink. Good on you for going to the library anyway.
It is hard to stand up & do the right thing, especially if we have lied and done things for the A in the past. But nothing changes if nothing changes. It feels yucky, guilty b/c we arent enalbing like they want & we have always done. Stick to your boundaries and detach. Seems like he is trying to manipulate you & get u to feel guilty ~ dont fall for it. Typical games they play. You deserve to take back ur life from the disease, keep working it, you are worth it.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Sound like classic manipulation, to be blunt. sorry for that. I know the feeling of being torn and knowing what is right and then being torn between that and what my AH wants me to do. Because what he usually wants is all wrong and only good for him and his ability to keep drinking. It's hard. You do feel bad even though you know what's right and then guilt. It's a vicious cycle. One that leaves us feeling the worse our of the 2 of us. I am sorry you are in this position right now. I think you did the right things for your situation. I don't know about you but I hate get the guilt talk. You don't support me, because you won't lie for them, and I have to go to my friends for support, because they will tell him what he wants to hear. They probably aren't good enough friends to know he has a drinking problem. My AH's friends aren't but they sure can support him better than I can. Oh well. I support myself and that's the best I can do for now. He, my AH, can go to AA and get a ton of support he chooses not to because that would interfere with his drinking. Try no to beat yourself up, you did what you thought was right and now you have hindsight and are second guessing yourself. Good luck and stay strong for you son. You probably had more fun without you AH than with you AH being there anyway.
My thought was, where is the focus, certainly not on the Ah. So look who gets it, YOU! Same old thing, they get the focus off them and put it on someone else.
Our illness makes us doubt ourselves. Of course you are right NOT to lie for him. He is asking you to be a criminal. Besides lieing in court can get you thrown in jail!
Remember he is insane, he is using, that it how it is. So nothing that comes out of his mouth matters.
He did the crime, not you, consequences make us grow up! (hopefully) A's run from conflict all their lives, when we "help" another word for that is enabling.
To me you just showed progress in telling him what you did. Maybe next time you will be sure, and know your integrity is so much more important.
Integrity is so beautiful to see in humans, least it is for me.
hugs hon, tell us about your retreat if you were able to go. Do you have a cell phone and does your son?
Tracy nailed it with the "emotional blackmail" , which is standard practice for an A.
My answer to that BS used to be... You're a grown man that makes his own decisions. I can't help someone that refuses to help himself and continues to make wrong choices..
For me, that put the blackmail right back where it belonged.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
there should be no doubt in your mind that this is a disease , when not lying for him becomes a major issue , of course u cannot lie for him , and how dare he ask . The note for me makes it perfectly clear that thinking becomes distorted and more than a little twisted , if his friends will lie for him , tell him to ask them to come pick him up and bring him home again . end of problem . Can u not leave your son with a parent or friend for the weekend ? thinking he won't drink is a fantacy please try and make other arrangements for your sons saftey/ Louise You have done the right thing for you . There will always be another retreat .... son first he is way too young to fend for himself or call anyone for help .
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 30th of July 2009 05:36:06 PM
From my own experience when I lied for my alcoholic I was enabling his disease. I slowly quit doing things that enabled his drinking. When I started doing this he thought I didn't love him or care about him (disease talking I think). I wans't there to help him, lie for him, do things for him he could do for himself. I think all in all he just didn't know how to react to it because I was always enabling him and lying for him.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
The guilt and doubt that you are experiencing is so familiar to me. My A is a mastermind at making me feel guilty even when my brain knows perfectly well that I did no wrong.
Just wanted to say that I can really identify with your feelings.
