The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
it's really, really sad that after 5 years, i barely know my AH's "best" friend. mainly because AH compartmentalizes all of his different relationships and doesn't allow people to mingle (he's got his alkie buddies and then real friends and then some who are a mix - those are the worst).
i'm also not close to his mother. she lives in the Caribbean and we see her only 2 times a year. i don't talk with her over the phone because... well, she's just really cold and awkward. i think she's uber protective of her son and used to view me as a gold digger (long story to explain that) he doesn't encourage me to talk with her because then she and i could compare notes and i'd have figured out 2 years ago that she was financially supporting him and he was lying about his income. BUT ANYWAY
should i call her and explain what's happening with him? i don't want to "out" him but she lives so far away and everyone else knows he's an alcoholic... i know she suspects him (she said to me at christmas that she was worried about his drinking. i said, "yes, i'm very worried too. he drinks far too much." and then she changes the subject). i also thought of calling his best friend who he's alienated in the past 3 years because of his increasing sickness... maybe just to tell him "i'm worried about AH, i know you know some of the stuff he's going through but here's some more info..."
bad idea? am i just getting embroiled in the alcoholic by considering this or am i being compassionate? am i just scared?
I remember telling whoever would listen about my ex's Aism. I told his bosses, I told his friends, co-workers, family. Anyone who I thought might be able to help.
My motive was to get him sober (didn't work). I wanted "help" in getting him sober. I would have told the guy on the corner if I thought he'd help me get my ex sober.
My expectation was that whoever I told would care as much as I did and instantly get insanely overinvolved there by taking some of the pressure to get my ex sober off of me. I expected his family to be fully in support of his sobriety and I expected his bosses to put the screws to him to get him to be good.
So, what's your motive and what's your expectation? Cause when I am faced with questions like this, I know to first examine my real, true motive and then to dissect what expectations I have of the outcome.
Bad Idea - his behavior will eventually give him away as long as your not enabling him in anyway ,don't lie for him , don't make excuses for his crappy behavior , don't pay his bills anything that he should be doing for him self . If his mother is in denial nothing u say will be heard anyway and it will only widen the distance between the two of u . Allow him the dignity to grow up and take responsiblity for his own stuff . Keep the focus on you and you alone ,find meetings if your not already attending some . you need support from people who understand your dilema . Louise
Thia would back fire & have horrible reprucussions all over with drama, chaos. This would not be giving AH the dignity or space to deal with his own disease. Stop enabling, this would only pull you into it up to your neck. You asked him to leave, take this time to learn to focus on you and what u can change & control.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
If his mom told you flat out that she is worried about his drinking, then she already knows he has a problem. You giving her more information will just add to her worry and affect her emotionally. There is nothing she can do.
I know what it is like to be scared, and to just want anyone to help. Truth be told, you can only help yourself. I encourage you to keep coming back here, go to meetings, get a sponsor and read, read, read. It works and we really do understand.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
thank you all. in my heart i knew this, but my friends and parents are telling me that i HAVE to tell her. "if it was my son and his wife didn't tell me, i'd be really upset with her". but it's true that she already knows on some level that he has a problem.
phew.
going to close the book on this one. my decision is made: he's got to help himself.
No. I've been overinvolved with people all my life. Now I am not I can't tell you what a blessing it is. Resist Resist resist and resist some more. Focus on yourself and what you need to do to make yourself feel whole and less dependent on him.
