My parents are still together. My Dad has been an active member of AA for almost 25 years now and my mom attended Al-Anon once he got sober and was in the program for about 5 or 6 years (she's no longer in the program and kind of bitter). But they're still together.  She found out that he had cheated on her during his drinking years - you know how she found this out?  During a speech he was making at one of his anniversary celebrations.  So she found out at the exact same time as everyone else in that room (now you know why she's bitter).  I asked her why she's still with him and she says because she had no desire to be with anyone else, so why not stay?  I do not want to be saying that exact same thing 30 years from now.

My husband cheated on me while he was in a drunken downward spiral almost 4 years ago and I wonder if I'll ever be able to forgive him for that, maybe this program can help me do that. As my situation is right now, I'm in Al-Anon and my husband is still drinking on a daily basis. I honestly don't know if he will ever stop drinking (he's says he never wants to stop). I'm in Al-Anon right now for me - I need it for my sanity - I need it to help me find strength, patience, faith, and serenity - so that I can become a better person and make the best decisions for myself and my son whether my husband decided to stop drinking or not.

-- Edited by N8SMOM on Sunday 26th of July 2009 12:51:11 PM

Hello and Hugs,
Forgivness is extremely possible. It's the pain of the injuries that take so long to get over and the scars are gentle reminders of our past experiences. As long as both husband and wife work on themselves their marriage can progress and truely be happy. Unfortunately, I don't know what is going to happen with my marriage.
Sincerely,
Tonya

Twenty yrs ago if someone had told me that my marriage would be restored I would have laughed out loud , but it has .  I joined al anon 3yrs before my husb sobered up the first time , in that time I learned to get my life back , to allow him the dignity to choose how he wanted to live his ,after 9 months of dry my husb left our home , two weeks later he started to drink again and drank non stop for 6 months til the point of near death ,  there was no contact between us for 5 months , none nada  I assumed the marriage was over . I didn't know that he ws drinking again  in the sixth month i had an occasion to see him and imediatley knew he was drinking again , he started to come around on weekends wanting to talk about comming back home , I knew I could not live with active drinking again but was afraid he was going to die alone he was so sick = I called a AA friend and said I had to bring him home my friend said well u could do that and watch him die , or leave him alone and maybe he won't . I decided to leave him where he was .
Luckily God had another plan , when he came home he was sober 3 days and stayed here to detox , that was 20 yrs ago in Sept .
I decided to take a chance because i knew that regardless of what he did I would be ok . six months alone had shown me that and in 6 months he found out that home was where he wanted to be and was willing to do what he had to do to be here .  Lots of meetings on both our parts , talking things thru late into the nite and living one day at a time life got better . 
Trust takes time ,   we have a rule in our house I don't get to take his inventory and he doesn't get to take mine , I take my prob to a meeting or my sponsor and come home with a solution for me .
so the answer is yes some marriages can be saved with alot of acceptance ,patience and understanding .
Neither of our programs promise to save marriages but it does promise to return us to sanity .   Louise

The position of the marriage is entirely up to the two people involved.

Recovery can HELP, but it doesn't necessarily mean that either the marriage will stay because one or both people are in recovery or they will leave regardless if one or both people are in recovery. Who knows God's will in all of this?

Wouldn't it be nice if there were a black-and-white answer? I know myself being in a marriage where there was adultery that there's no simple answer.

The only thing I can do is just keep working my Al-Anon program, and my answers will come in time as my Higher Power sees fit.

(((AllICanBe))),

I forgave my husband's actions.  I was lucky that I knew him long before either of us had any idea that he had this disease.  He was a late blooming alcoholic.  I always said that I hated the disease not the man. You know we did the best we could. I lost him last year but I am comforted to know that he loved me and he knew how much I loved him regardless of his disease.  The disease didn't kill him.  Even if it had, I wouldn't hate him.  I separate the two.  It makes healing so much easier for me.  I forgave him long ago.  He had a horrible disease.  Take away the disease we had a love and strength that was impossible to break.  Add the diseae it was just a chink in the amour.

I tend not to hold resentments.  To me it's a waste of time and energy.  What's the point?  I had an evil step mother who treated us badly.  My sister still hates her.  I don't give her a second thought.  What's done is done.  She hasn't been part of my life for over 10 years.  My father is gone and I have no contact with her.  If I held onto those resentments about the way she treated my father and us I'd go nuts.  It would eat me alive the same way it is eating at my sister.  She would win.  I remind my sister what a sick person she was. She can't hurt us or Dad any more. Time to move on.  I have more important things to concentrate on.

I don't even resent Tim's passing.  It wasn't his fault.  He had an undetected genetic heart defect. I am grateful that I was home when he passed.  He could have died alone.  I miss him every day, but I don't resent it.  It's taking life on life's terms. I live for the moment. Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat