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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Fiance in rehab, but thinks he won't need AA when he gets out (pink cloud)
Post Info TOPIC: Fiance in rehab, but thinks he won't need AA when he gets out (pink cloud)
crystalcc


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Fiance in rehab, but thinks he won't need AA when he gets out (pink cloud)
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Hello,

My fiance is currently in rehab, and it appears he is on his "pink cloud," and is feeling quite invincible. He believes he is strong enought to handle life without having to go to AA meetings when he gets out. He told me that he thinks AA is more of a service to those who had problems with social aspects of their lives. I know he also is having a hard time with the spiritual aspect of the AA 12 steps.

I do believe he is dedicated to being sober, I have faith in him and am so PROUD of him because he is doing a great job in there, so I don't want him to think I am being negative because this is his first time in recovery & I know he needs my love and support, but I am concerned.

I am reading the Big Book, and going to family meetings myself. I plan on attending Al Anon, as well. I know I need to set my boundaries with him on this, and we will be having a meeting with his case manager this week so I can address it, but I just wanted to see what insight others may have on this.



Thank you in advance.
--Crystal



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debilyn


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Well you are doing well!

Of course he needs AA. That is what keeps them focused. It is not like he is cured or something.

Same as we need Al Anon!

An A, remember does not have one symptom of using. They are also selfish,do not think of others feelings, lie, manipulate, and more.
The word here is denial. Unless he "gets that" well hmmmmm

He has to do what he has to do. I hope he figures it out before he relapses. With just stopping using, means zero. With out a program of recovery, he is NOT in recovery. It is soooooo much more than not using.

I went to Amazon, put in AA then

AA books. Sent my AH a new edition of the BB that had more personal shares in it, A book called the Red Book Manual that has thoughts then they write stuff down. OH and a daily thing with room to write on too. History book and a games and puzzle book.

I invite you to get that Red Book for him. It is so cool. easy to read. There is one too about the first year of sobriety that I want to get.

He has to figure it out.Of course we want the best and ache for them to be ok. We know we would go to the ninty in ninty. We even offer to drive and go.

I tell ya, I am going to handcuff my AH and he is going. But he is at a point he cannot do it himself. Besides the wet brain thing, he has brain damage from a brain surgery.

Anyway glad you are here, and I would love to see you stay and share more about your own recovery.

love,debilyn

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kitty


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Get to meetings, work the steps, get a sponsor.  If you are involved with al-anon it will give him a better chance.  The best thing u can do is to learn how u are enalbing his disease & then stop doing those things.  Any thing he could do for himself,  give him the dignity & respect to work it out & do it for himself.  A's use us to not take responsiblity for themselves.  Learn to detach with love and focus on YOU. 

I also would bring ur problems, issues & concerns to al-anon, I wouldnt discuss them with him.  We ahve different issues and he needs to deal with his own.  Inviting him into our issues, is confusing for A's and it distracts them from their program.  I know it is hard to stay out of their program.  I used to want to sit, atch & baby sit.  But all the while, I was still holding my breath, waiting for them to mess up and not focusing on me - the one thing I can change & control in life. 

The book Getting them Sober by toby rice drews, is highly recommended by members here, dealing with early sobriety.  It may help u as well. 

Get to the meetings, listen & learn, and when ur ready share & share.  We are here for you, our chat room even has 2 daily meetings and nearly always someone to talk to who can understand what ur going through.  Welcome to MIP & al-anon, glad u fouind us & hope u keep coming back.

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Diva


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When are you getting married?  I wouldn't take that step until he could show me two years of sobriety.  (Even at that, my partner relapsed after 20+ years of sobriety.  Why?  He doesn't know.)
 Of ciurse you are proud of him, and you have every right to be.  But now is the time to set your boundaries.  And remember; do not set a boundary you are not prepared to keep.

Very best wishes,

Diva

-- Edited by Diva on Saturday 25th of July 2009 11:12:12 AM

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maresie


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Gat a copy of the book Getting them Sober. Toby Rice Drew has some wonderful insight on these issues.

Maresie.

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maresie
crystalcc


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Hello again,

Thank you all for your insight & honesty. When I talked to his case manager, she said I should make a list of my expectations/boundaries, which would include meetings per week & sponsorship. I know I must stick to my boundaries. He knows I cannot marry him if he is not in recovery. Our planned wedding date was October 10, 2009. That is completely tentative at this point. If I have to postpone/cancel the wedding I will. I will do anything it takes to help him stay sober & in recovery.

He is feeling great right now compared to how he had been feeling previously, which I understand. He has been embracing everything in rehab, has been somewhat of a model resident. But his natural high will not last, real life will come back and I know he will need the support of a AA. I think once he can find his higher power and really relinquish control over to it, things will click for him. He cannot simply be in rehab for 3 weeks and think he can manage life & his disease himself on the outside, even though he feels like he can right now.

I will get that Toby Rice Drew book (I work in a bookstore!)

Debilyn: I'm trying to find the Red Book you mentioned, but I am not sure I'm seeing the same thing as the one you mentioned. Do you have the ISBN #? Is it this...
http://www.amazon.com/Alcoholics-Workbook-IWS-Inc/dp/0963766635/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1248579790&sr=8-3


Again, thank you all sooooo much for your thoughts. I really appreciate it and send my warmest wishes to you all.


--Crystal

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MrsGratitude


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Wow Crystal -

Thanks for sharing this.  Sounds like you are really trying to work a program.  The best way to help our As is to help ourselves.  Meetings, literature, sponsor, phone calls.

Sending you (((((hugs)))))

Mrs. G


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