The material presented
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level.
i woke up this morning, secure in my decision to ask for a separation, to ask him to move out. all day long, i was in a good mood, very sure of myself. his shenanigans this week were a huge blow to me and i find that i absolutely cannot live like this anymore. i have been feeling like i cannot live like this for years, by the way.
he looked heartbroken (or maybe he wasn't. i'm still not convinced that he's got real feelings these days). he said he had no place to go. i told him we'd work something out. i cried. i told him i love him (i do!) and i told him that i don't want him out of my life (i dont!) but that his active drinking is just too unhealthy for me to deal with and that i KNOW it's the disease, and i still believe in him... my toughness dissolved.
i find myself wanting to take it all back, even though i am truly miserable living with him. i feel that since "nothing changes until something changes" that maybe this will be what really gets him to achieve sobriety (what an ego i have, thinking that i can control his disease!).
but at the end of the day, he's nasty when he's not drinking, his behavior is getting worse, he drinks as much or more than before and he's starting to destroy property around the house (he threw my macbook off the balcony last friday night when he was drunk). he scares the dogs when he's drinking.
i offered to look into a 30 day treatment program if our insurance would cover it. i'm sure that if it didn't, that his mother will help with the cost. he refused. he says he cannot be out of work for 30 days.
so yeah. i took a big step. and i know it is good for me. but it hurts so much. and i'm second guessing myself. esh?
I have heard that it takes us "dysfunctionals" 7 times before we actually leave and stay gone. I have also heard that once you get an A, you will never ever get rid of him. I don't know if that is comforting or scarey.
My ex was like my drug of choice. I was totally addicted to him. And I SO wanted to quit because it was killing me, driving me insane. And so I would quit him and immediatly go thru withdrawls...thinking I needed him, wanted him, couldn't be happy without him. It was hell!!
The only thing that helped was time, this program and no contact with him at all. But it was hard....really hard. I was stronger than I ever knew I could be. I had to quit cold turkey because even just a chat with him would send me over the edge.
My choices: insanity, death or recovery. I went insane, almost died and then came on my knees to these rooms.
It isn't easy to do the right thing for the right reasons. And like you, the last time I walked away (the final time) I did it with the thought in my head that NOW he would hit his bottom and begin to get healthy (LOL at ME trying to control!!!) but that is how I had to think of it and that made me feel better. Like I was being all sorts of unselfish and saintly LOLOL!!!!
Try to ride the waves with this. It all passes. Remind yourself of the reasons why you want your life back. And remember you do not know what the future holds for YOU!!!!
Ohhh I remember that pain. Good for you to care more about you than the disease. That is not easy to put your hand up and one foot up the rung of the ladder out of the pit.
Do you want to go back down?
No where to go? oh well. Moms, a friends, relatives, hotel, tent etc. Right now he is poison to himself and YOU.
For me, my thought was he is an adult, go figure it out. I am NOT his mother. Just like our kids, they won't grow up until we push them out.
I am very, very proud of your step. Sometimes it takes some false starts to really get them out. That is ok! I use the analogy of learning to swim, we don't just jump in and go. IF we do, great! If not, that is ok too, we have to be ready.
I have read your posts and have seen your pain. I know the feeling of living with someone who is nothing but mean spirited and hurtful. When all we want is to be accepted and loved for who and what we are.
It has been worth it to me a million times over to have cut off from my AH. Took me a long time and I had him come back and out again many times, until I was ready. Sounds like where you are now.
You can call the police when he destroys your property. You may not be safe now hon. If it were me, when he gets beligerant now, call the police, they will make sure he has a "place" for him to stay.
Our loved ones would never want us to allow anything to hurt us. He is sick, his disease is hurting you. The sooner you take care of and protect you, the better it is for him.
When I had pms really bad, back then we did not know what it was, I felt so guilty. by the time i felt better, the guilt ruined the good time.
I was so much better when my loved ones did not allow the way I felt upset them. Took a huge load off me. Actually I was much worse inside my mind and it did not show so much out, but I thought it did.
Anyway hugging you! Please keep posting, he is dangerous when he is breaking things.
I have heard that it takes us "dysfunctionals" 7 times before we actually leave and stay gone. I have also heard that once you get an A, you will never ever get rid of him. I don't know if that is comforting or scarey.
My ex was like my drug of choice. I was totally addicted to him. And I SO wanted to quit because it was killing me, driving me insane. And so I would quit him and immediatly go thru withdrawls...thinking I needed him, wanted him, couldn't be happy without him. It was hell!!
The only thing that helped was time, this program and no contact with him at all. But it was hard....really hard. I was stronger than I ever knew I could be. I had to quit cold turkey because even just a chat with him would send me over the edge.
I think that what serendipity wrote was true for me too...I would leave my A and feel this tremendous overwhelming relief...for about a day, maybe two...then I would start to reminise about old times and the feelings would come back and I would start to "doubt". I don't know how many times it took going back and forth with my first alcoholic husband before we finally called it quits. I know that we at least filed for divorce 3 times before either of us was ready to "let go" and "let go" was what we needed to do. We were very toxic for each other. He was A and I was an enabler, without al-anon, bad combination.
Serendipity wrote: "I have also heard that once you get an A, you will never ever get rid of him." I have found this to be true in the sence that until I got help for myself and got serious about my al-anon program, I went from one alcoholic to another to another (4 times, 4 marriages).
Serendipity commented: "My ex was like my drug of choice. I was totally addicted to him." Alcoholics seem to be my drug of choice, or at least some type of dysfunctional individual that has had alcoholism in their lives. It wasnt' until I started working on me and getting my life in order that I started getting better.
I am going through my fourth divorce from an alcoholic. What Serendipity wrote is true: "I had to quit cold turkey because even just a chat with him would send me over the edge." My A calls several times a day. It is VERY hard not to pick up that phone. But if I do, it sends me right over the edge and the next thing I know I'm at his house "checking him for ticks", "helping him adjust his antenna", "helping him feed his animals because he is sick" or whatever other excuse he can come up with to get me to come over. I am very much addicted to him, just as I was the others (husbands).
As Serendipity said, "The only thing that helped was time" and working through MY issues. I have to get to where I am comfortable in my own skin before I am going to be good for anyone else. I have to learn to "like" myself and where I am in life. I am trying to find myself and who "I" am. This is the next leg of my journey. I don't want to chose wrong again. I am working on me and getting my "picker" fixed. My "picker" has definitely been broke.
I don't know if there is another relationship out there for me or not, but if there isn't I know that me and the God of my understanding will be ok. I am learning to love me, for the first time in my life. I am learning my likes and dislikes, what thrills me and what bores me, I am becoming alive again and it is great to be a part of the human race, again, and not just sitting on the sidelines catering to some alcoholics whims.
Love in Recovery, Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
You're not along Sis...keep coming home, sit down, listen, take suggestions, go to meetings, walk the steps, gt a sponsor ....you know the drill. It works when you work it and you don't work it alone.
My best ESH is simple and encouraging. You created a boundary (essentially) now u must stick to it. You say you are second guessing yourself ~ my best ESH is DON"T. Do not listen to that second guessing voice. That is your sickness talking. The healthiest thing to do is to get the toxic behavior out of your most personal intimate life. If he scares you & scares the dogs, is now becomming violent - I have to say, this is the most wonderful thing, best & helathiest thing u can do for you.
Doing what was best & healthiest for me, was hard in the beginning. Once I saw that I was making better and clearer choices for me, I got bettter. This is tough love for him too - and ultimately it is better for him b/c u are giving him the dignity & respect to work out his own problem & to let him face his own disease.
It took me a long time to get that if I am not involved, if I am not talking to an A about what they do or dont do - it allows them an opportunity to be in touch with their thoughts more. If I am there arguing or talking about his problem - they are removed from it & are in an argument with me.
As far as your frinedship goes, take it one day at a time. Give yourself space and freedom to wait and see what happens, u dont have to burn any bridges, u can see what develops, for you & him. If he changes, great. If he doesnt, u may find that u are much better off. Focus on YOU and what can u do to improve you/your life. If u dont love you first, no one will. Do what u have to do to take care of you, whatver that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
thank you for all of your shares! it is so comforting to have this community online and to know that whatever i'm going through, people here have been through it too.
i'm off to a f2f meting right now and hopefully the woman i want to ask to be my sponsor is there too. after that, i'm going to do a little living for me. but just a little. baby steps. :)
Oh (((xter))) - I totally relate to the second-guessing thing. It's been biting me in the butt for a while now.
My AH has been away at the lake for a week now and I have to say I've enjoyed the peace the rest of us have had due to the lack of drama. The thing is, I'll be really OK with my decision, then he'll call and be all nice and stuff and I'll start doubting myself. Then another day, he'll call and be all snarky, confirming that I'm going down the right path.
I feel like a yo-yo going up and down all the time. The good news is, that string is getting shorter, and the times I'm feeling OK with it are outnumbering the times I'm in doubt. I'm really having to learn this whole "trust my HP" thing, lol. Hmm - maybe I need to go back and re-read my earlier post this week about accepting reality and keeping the focus on myself .
Anyway, I'm REALLY proud of you for pushing through your fear, setting your boundary and sticking to it. Keep taking care of yourself and workin' it - you're WORTH it!
-- Edited by blender_girl on Saturday 25th of July 2009 09:52:36 AM
Mac book over the balcony and scaring the dogs is enough for me, you take care of youk, all that kind of stuff is very stressful and you need to look to yourself first, it is a disease and unfortunately they are so capable of doing things while drinking, it took me six months to straighten out my step mom's dog after being terrorised by my father for years,
I guess my experience leaving was a little similar. But I knew he wouldn't go so it was me that had to pack up everything and leave. It was hard; I loved him very much and I still do; but like you said nothing changes if nothing changes. It was too much for me to live with his disease.
I've been gone almost 3 months. Staying with A mother and A brother which does not help at all. Im hoping to have an apartment by Sept 1st. (I did the footwork and leaving it to HP). He still tells me he loves me, tries to manipulate me, plays the victim but it seems it's 10 times more he tries now that I am gone.
Really the tools I use to help are: Fake it till you make it, Let go Let God, Live and Let Live, Just for today, Progress not perfection..okay just about all of them. They do help. Some days I will read the slogans over and over in my book to keep them in my head.
As much as it hurt for me to leave; I still have this feeling of serenity just not living with him on a daily basis. We have a child together so we are still in lots of contact. He will just show up here to see our son which I get really irritated by I know he is just checking up on me by not calling. He is expecting someone else to be here like a new male friend or something, but I am no way ready for all that.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
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