The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just got into a yelling match with my sober AH. He has been sober for 4 months and diligently working his program.
He has decided that he is taking time off of work tomorrow to go fishing with a long time alcoholic drinking buddy who is still drinking heavily and calls here drunk regularly (we don't answer the phone at these times).
I told him that he has no business hanging out with a drunk - his sobriety is too new. He says "several people" have warned him about my reaction to him getting better because I am such a controlling person and that this isn't about him going to do something but about me trying to control him.
I also told him that since he is working crazy hours and hitting 12 meetings a week that I don't feel like I am getting enough time with him. He claims that I need to spend more time working my own program, and that the claim of wanting time with him was just one more way pf trying to control him.
Truly, this is NOT my business. I just can't go there with him again, and he has a repeated history of relapse around this individual. I guess I am just really, really scared.
I can only pray, and wish I had found a sponsor that I could call at at time like this... in lieu, I write to you all and hope for some words of esh...
It is his program you can not work it for him.....It's funny how controlling we seem to be when it comes to our A, we can't control if they use, 12 meetings a week is a good sign. Sit back relax, and yes, work a program of your own........
Where there is life there is hope......easy does it......
You are both so right. The storm has passed now, and I can be thankful that it was brief...there were times in the past (when he was still drinking) when this kind of thing would escalate to the point where I would have to leave for a few days.
Instead, I kissed him as he left for his meeting, and as I sit here reading I am soooo reminded that I DO need to be more diligent in my own program and worry about my side of the street only.
This program is such a miracle...and the people who work it and remind us when we are being idiots are alanon angels!
Glad you see the red flags for what they are. They are definitely flapping in the wind there. I know when I am dependent on someone and I have a conflict I go into high over drive to get them to see my point of view. I often need to back off and regroup and go to self care. Self care is extremely difficult for those of us are codependents.
TLM, i have to echo others when i say, "do not beat yourself up!"
easy does it - go easy on yourself. work your program but don't try to work a perfect program. you and your husband may have another screaming match, and he might accuse you of being controlling, etc... and you might be controlling at that moment or you might not be. but that's okay. just get back on the path and keep trying one day at a time.
(personally i really relate to waiting around for the AH to make decisions to make or break the life together...)
Here are my thoughts. Don't you believe he knows this "friend" is his disease calling him?
Don't you know his program has to teach him to avoid "pitfalls?"
Boy do I know it is hard. As many say it affects us too, the outcome. We don't know when a person may die or get sick or have a brain tumor, cancer either.
Or when a diabetic may go into a coma or cancer returns. If we are watching and waiting, what a waste of good time.
As you said, we have no control over it. We do have control of making sure we are prepared and ready if we do end up with them ill again. Be financially ok, have a place to live, a good vehicle. As I tel ya to go thru a relapse and not have any of that, makes it soooo much worse.
I HAVE been down that road of relapse with him before and didn't have all of those tools. It is a very scary and hard place to be, and I become sick along with him- both mentally and physically.
Me working my own program is literally to save my own life. Even if my sober ah -stays sober for the rest of his life (and believe me, we are both praying for that), if I don't work my own program and have that arsenal of tools I will stay sick and live in fear always for the other shoe to drop. And that could, quite literally, kill me.
