The material presented
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AH is slowly reintroducing alcohol back into his life. I've been stuck at home with no car for a year and a half, with a toddler, and the only place I ever really go is the grocery store once or twice a week, which is not my idea of fun. DS goes for week without leaving the house other than the occasional walk around the block or playing in the yard. The neighbors dogs bark incessantly. We make hardly any money and, the one car we have is on it's last leg, the oven is broken, we need a new dishwasher, stress stress stress.
I broke down crying last night because being a stay at home mom with no car for a year and half is killing me and my poor child is going crazy, to say nothing of the stress of watching the sole provder of the family welcome a destructive force into his life. The result of the conversation was that AH calmly explained to me that I need to be the one who works, while he plays stay at home mom, and maybe works a part time night job, because MEN DON'T NEED TO BE HAPPY to live a goood life. That is apparently a quirk of the fairer sex, so he can stay home on virtual house arrest for an extended period and be fine with it. Does that sound right? Men don't require happiness? That is a new one!
Anyway, our son isn't even three. My husband isn't the most positive disciplinarian. He tends to be very negative and discouraging, saying you're doing it wrong, capturing/killing bugs and snakes ( i hate killing and cruelty), calling him a brat, barking orders, smacking, snatching things out of ds' hands, causing a lot of tears, and panicking over silly, normal childhood things, mixing all of that up with enough good to keep everyone off balance. Even when we are home together, I keep a close eye when I hear yelling or discipline becaue I'm so afraid that one of his smacks is going to turn into something more. A gentle spanking (yes they exist) is not the same thing as hitting in anger, which is humiliating to a child, and makes ds crazy mad. DH is, deep down, uncomfortable with smiling or having fun, and it comes out in his parenting. He has skills to get him through few hours at the most, but it's a great strain on him, and I fear for what would happen after a whole day of ds crying and throwing fits while dh juggles laundry, dishes, three meals, cleaning up disasters, etc.
So, I'm very hesitant to make AH the primary care taker of ds, who is potty trainng AND beginning the final stages of weaning. That's a stressfull enough time for a toddler! He needs extra patience and care right now, especially with the potty training. The primary care taker is also the value instiller, the life skills teacher, and the character shaper.
Should I have more faith, or try to give dh a crash course in positive child rearing, or should I trust my gut? As usual, I feel so bad for doubting and not trusting AH, who, by the way is only drinking excessively once a week at the moment, but is probably planning to up the frequency soon. This is too much for me! Everytime I let it slip how miserable I am to not have a car or any control over where I go, when I go there, or with whom, he tells me that I need to go be the breadwinner. I love being a stay at home mom, and I do an incredible job of running a household on no money. The house is clean, organized, our child is learning so much, our bills are paid, things are peaceful, for the most part. I try to make the home a stable, nurturing, learning rich environment for my son. I have far less earning potential than him, so we would end up destitute if he quit working and made me work instead. He has made me get a job twice since ds was born, and both times I had to quit because of him, or he flat out demanded that I quit.
I have a hard time not wanting to control the environment that my precious son is in. Am I supposed to let go of that, and just have faith? That just seems irresponsible, when a child is involved. My AH transitioning back into addiction. I don't know who or what I'll be dealing with in a few more months. I guess I could point that out to him, but I'm afraid it would just cause him to devise yet another plan to deceive me as to what his life drinking plans, so I'm lulled into another year of thinking our life is going in the exact opposite direction that it's actually going in. WHat a waste of time!
-- Edited by Lotus on Wednesday 22nd of July 2009 08:59:34 AM
Oh, yeah, back to my mental breakdown last night. AH seems to think that going for a daily walk is the answer to my extended bout of cabin fever, but I have found that the opposite is true. And I'm not a dog. DS starts freaking out when we we turn towards home, and I usually have to drag him most of the way back. My neighbors hear him screaming and mention it. I start crying and seething with anger and bitterness and jealousy everytime I see a neighborhood acquaintance just driving off to do something while I'm left in this prison. Actually, the monotony of walking the same neighborhood year after year is enough to make anyone crazy, and I'm almost always in tears by the time I get halfway up the block. It's become impossible for me to be civil to anyone I meet on the street. WHy should I lie and say everythings's great when I should be begging someone to throw me a lifejacket? It breaks my heart to see free people doing things and going places, taking their children out to enjoy life and socialize. I have tried to socialize with other neighborhood moms, but many of the them are religious to the point that converstaions tend to be very, very shallow. It's not motherhood that I can't handle, but that it's the isolation and shame of living with no car and not being free to discuss my life with anyone at all and only leaving the house to go to the grocery store that makes me crazy. AH seems to think that I'm just an incompetent parent or something. Am a crazy to say that going for a daily walk down the same streets year after year is just driving me crazier and IS NOT getting me "out of my head"??
You are supposed to protect your child. I am not a mother yet but I would not let anyone using to discipline anything of mine. I used to smack my animals ~ I dont do that anymore. I dont believe in hitting - it teaches that if u are bigger, u can hit, period.
Yes, the disease is progressive and it always gets worse unless one is in therapy or sobriety which is working a diligent program and learning & growing. Not just abstaining and going to meetings, but actually applying program to life and growing.
I would not trust an A with a house plant.
A's dont transition into and out of addiction. They are either using, dry (not using) or working program & growing, changing. This disease can be arrested - or stopped but that is it, it is always sitting there. It takes all that person has to face it, deal with it and learn to be productive in spite of it.
You ask if you should trust your gut ~ my intuition has never steered me wrong and I find life works better when I follow my instincts. You will have to determine what works for you. I'm a vegetarian, was raised that way in Texas of all places. I dont like killing either, especailly of animals or in the form of teasing or belittling the human spirit.
Since u cant get to al-anon meetings with no car - please get some meeting online, the chat room has them twice a day. You can work a program and improve things for you son. I hope you give al-anon a real try. Welcome to this forum.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
"Am a crazy to say that going for a daily walk down the same streets year after year is just driving me crazier and IS NOT getting me "out of my head"??" -Lotus
I encourage you to use this board and chat room to be totally honest in. This place has saved my life. The way to recovery is through honest sharing.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks Kitty. You are so right. So right. I feel like a broken record and a pain in the butt, but I'm so out of touch with reality now. I have no clue what's healthy anymore. I'm going over a lot of stuff constantly because I'm letting it all out pretty much for the first time. I don't want to be one of those people who complains constantly and never takes any good advice, believe me! That's abusive to the listener! I will try to get to the chat rooms. It's hard with a toddler. My AH keeps reminding me that I AM a mom now and I need to stop being selfish and focus on my son, and that it's not about my happiness anymore, you know, like he mentioned when he informed me that MEN don't require happiness to get through life like women seem to. But that seems wrong to me! It just seems so wrong! My son knows I'm not happy on the inside. I have faked it for four years now, and it's not working. Never has. And if my neighbor's dog doesn't stop barking soon I'm going to lose it.
Primary care giver ??? If anyone is still drinking or using they should not be trusted with a 3 yr old child . He may think he can stay sober for the day but i'ts doubtful . Your son needs to be safe and leaving him with anyone who is useing or drinking is not that person . Just my opinion . Our children count on us to be safe and cared for . We are all they have . For now getting out of the house for ameeting seems impossible to you so like kitty suggested come here , to the chat room , the meetings will help u straighten out your thinking and offer solutions to your dilema , there is a saying here that I love , if for now it is impossible to change your situation learn to Bloom where your planted . it is possible to get happy regardless of what he is doing . hope to meet you soon , Hang in there your gonna be just fine . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 22nd of July 2009 12:11:15 PM
I love that this program has taught me "Stop and Think".
Often, my AH will present me with HIS solution to things... and then of course tell me that's the ONLY way it'll happen. Often I'd feel cornered by this and think, "well great... I'm screwed either way, then."
The nice thing is I'm learning that I don't have to make any decisions NOW... I get to sleep on things and think about it a little more. Are the options my AH presenting to me the ONLY ones? What would I do? What options do I see that perhaps he doesn't?
I love it when my sponsor reminds me not to take my AH's word (or suggestions) as gospel. I get to figure out if that's right for me.
I imagine there might be some other options available to you than what your AH has presented you with. There might be a job you can get that provides child care, for instance. Maybe there's a friend or other family member you can leave your child with while you're away. Do you have to have a full-time job? Would a part-time job be enough to help get you out of the house and affording your own vehicle? Finding child care for part-time hours might be easier than full-time care. In all of these options, not one of them swings on the AH quitting his job.
I'd encourage you to think on it a little more... and think about what other options are available outside of what your AH thinks.
Your AH sounds very controlling. He told you to get a job, so you got a job. He tells you to quit, you quit.
I would go crazy being at home all the time. I can deal with making ends meet and not having much but I can not be at home all the time.
I would not leave a child with an active A. I wouldn't care if that was the father of the child or not.
I understand you are isolated but you have found this place which is one of the best things that ever happened to me. It's so valuable to me. Lots of people are/or have been in your situation and understand.
If you would like to talk to ppl in real time take advantage of the chat room. Sometimes when I feel the need to talk I go in there and it never takes long to feel better.
People on here and in chat are just awsome. I'm glad you found this place.
