The material presented
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to exchange
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new here. I have lived with my aloholic spouse for 17 years. 3 years ago...the emotional and verbal abuse and black outs were out of control...I started going to alanon and moved 10 minute drive away. We seen each other in everyway, always together except I would remove myself when he drank. He started going to AA soon after I did. but fell by the way drinking and not drinking for the 1st 1 1/2 years. He got involved and had an affair with another AA in the program ...she also has bipolar disorder. He finished with her.after a few months.....7 months later I moved back and he quit drinking and did the 12 steps and I worked my program and the 1st year went pretty good. started to see changes in him the past 5 months. not happy, angry, negatively putting people down, restless and discontent...of course, I started to the egg shell walk again. Went from us buying a house 4 months ago to 2 months ago,,,he walked out and is living in his camperized van close to work. He did not pay much attention to me the past 4 months...always running for the AA women....buying them lunches...giving money, buying things, moving them , working on their cars...blah blah...and they think he is a hero. Within 2 weeks after he left me he is involved with a AA/NA, bipolar women that is 15 years younger than him...she is nothing to look at about 5 ft 1 inch and 226 pounds. She is an extreme enabler and co dependant. She is now doing his books. He phones me with crazy talk about what he is going to do like get a house and rent out the top floor, I could live in the bottom suite and he would live in the rv in the back yard. I live in the RV now.
I have been so hurt by this man....I cannot describe. thank god I have a sponsor, and go to AA as I really have to work on my resentments. He is very impulsive and judgemental these days...no balance in his life...working extremly long hours and only getting to a meeting once a week. He has said things to be like....you know...I am a way ahead in my program than you are.(I thought to myself...I didn't know it was a competition). Then before I found out about this woman....he said to me...we alcoholics zone in on people like you the enablers. He now has a double wammy...He's also on facebook..madly connecting with two women from 30 something years ago and painting this wonderful caring person...as I seen one of those emails. I know that I deserve a better life than this...right now...I have demanded that I need closure and trying to get the business end settled. of which he didnt' like one day and called me a**** whore and a bitter bitch...go and figure...any ideas anyone???thanx for your time.
This sounds a little more serious to me than dry drunk syndrome but what ever it is you are not responsible for fixing it . Your looking after yourself and that is a good thing , staying close to your sponsor that is a good thing . I don't believe in anyone taking more than thier share but i sure do believe in getting half of what u supported and contributed to durring your relationship . Stand up for what is rightfully yours - work your program and your gonna be just fine . Oh and stop going to his face book page , ask yourself do u really need the pain ??? (hugs)
-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 21st of July 2009 05:40:22 PM
I have felt your pain all too well . I have been involved with a recovering alcoholic for the past 15 yrs , on again , off again . Although he hasn't taken a drink in the past 21 yrs , he has developed other addictive habits to replace his drinking . His constant need for attention from women , moving from relationship to relationship then always coming back to me . I was the one who always ended up getting hurt in the end . I was more worried about his needs then my own and i lost myself . I'm now handing it over to my higher power and putting "me" first for a change which i haven't done in a very long time . Take care of you !
thanx for all your support... interesting that a fellow I know who has not drank for 20 years now and does AA....said after about a year dry....he was doing all kinds of weird things and ended up being diagnosed as bipolar...apparently he was told that when he drank it would help to cover that up. And about the women....yeah... well everyone say's this won't last...but you know what.....I would not take him back in a million years. I know now that take care of myself and work with my high power comes first and then all my wonderful support system and family.
My first thought was, A's pick those other A's because they know they can do whatever they want. They can use in peace. No thought of feeling guilty.
When they are using, especially in the beginning they do pick people who are kind and like to nurture. The nurturer does not usually even realize they are enabling until all of a sudden things get real bad. They are sick too,
So the enabling gets so mixed up with the A's disease it escalates.
Al Anon helps us because we get a bit well and see what is happening. With Al Anon we learn tools how to live with or love the A's in our life. We learn not to get dragged into their pit of disease.
We also learn how to not engage in their banter and abuse. We find out it is not our disease so we don't police them. we don't look for their drugs, hunt them down etc. They have a right to their own lives their own choices. We cannot change it anyway.
If we cannot learn to live with it and be healthy ourselves,sometimes we choose to leave or have them leave.
Al Anon offers everything we need to know when we live with an A or with just life itself.
He doesn't seem like a dry drunk, because he goes to AA. He "seems" to have learned SOME things in the program, but he doesn't really seem to know how to work it.
My husband verbally and emotionally abusined me too. I'm not new to it and find that it can take it's toll just as much as physically only more insideous as outsiders can't see the abuse. My husband also said to me, I went to the "enemy camp" al-anon, which I found pretty funny as he never went to AA, so the sheer fact he had to make a negative comment, made me understand his guilt an resentment towards me for getting better.
The one thing I have learned in all of this is the alcoholics carry TREMENDOUS guilt and shame. I believe I did too, and that guilt is a heavy burden. I think it's very hard to get out from under.
My husband went from one addiction to another....WOMEN. In my experience, when alcohol was removed from the situation, other addictions started to pop up. It wasn't until my A and I started filling our lives with positive healthy focussed things, instead of those negative things, that we started a healthy upswing.
The women are validating because he felt so crappy about himself. I certainly didn't help, because my anger and resentment were largely felt. He got that re-assurance elsewhere only it wasn't healthy. It was sneaky and dark.
Both my A and I are working hard to build back up our self esteem. We also try to validate each other more and it's hard to get out of that pattern. I let him take advantage of me for so long that I couldn't see anything else but to leave. It wasn't until we did intense marriage therapy, weekend encounter, and post work, I went to al-anon and started reading about my own problems, that things started to turn around.
thanx so much for your input....even though we are separated and finalizing the financial part and he is involved with the AA/NA woman....he still makes remarks that are confusing....I am working really hard not to react to any of it. The other day when we doing our business part he said...gee when I finish this contract(4-5) months away....I might just move back in this park(where I live) with his camperized van....He says...I miss the cats and the town here. What's that all about?? One day he said well when things settle down...maybe we can go out and have some fun......I will never abandon you!!!! Is this crazy talk or what is it.?? I am not reacting to anything he says...I just go oh yeah!!! thanx again for all your input.
