The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can say when I came to al-anon, I had no idea what detachment really was. I'm still trying to get a hold on it, but for anyone who is newer than me and "yes" I'm a newbie, it really is the key, I feel, to feeling peace in your life.
I have really had to take a hard look at how my reactions, and obsessing led to my own craziness. On occassion, this still happens, but less frequently.
I'm not waiting around for a call from my AH, or worrying about when he might stroll in the door. I didn't have dinner waiting last night and have finally found my children's voices the joy of my life, instead of irritating. I went back to school (can't afford another class right now, but eventually will get there) and have started doing things for me and the kids. I got a new job that I love and love the validation that I did a GOOD JOB! I am slowly working towards *MY* goals. I never had real ones before, because I was so worried about what my AH might do.
It's freeing to be this way, and my AH has seen this shift. It makes him a bit uncomfortable, but I'm not worrying about his reaction to things the way I used to. I don't always remind him to do stuff or of his appointments. I make him responsible for his choices if I have to, and he is slowly taking on more tasks around here. Some days he fails, and some days I sit and wish he chose differently, but the sheer fact that he's doing things is amazing and I have no right to JUDGE the decisions I want him to make, even though he may have approached a situation differently than me.
Last night we had a brief conversation about it. He's not in AA but twice said to me that al-anon was the "enemy camp" - I was angry and upset when he said it, but last night he told me it has made me a different person in a good way. He was sincere about how al-anon has helped me let go of control, that he really didn't even know or I knew I was doing.
I'm blessed to have found it and eventually "get it" - (I'm a slow learner) -
What I'm thankful most for is what I have found in my children. Not only did I control so much about my AH, but I did this so much with my children. Now, my kids are very small, so there is a LOT I do have to control, but so much I do not have to. They ARE old enough to make certain decisions. I let them and it's great.
It's NOT easy to focus on yourself as a newbie. It's hard work, and I tend to easily fall back into old obsessive thinking patterns, but catch myself quickly. The sheer fact I'm not as "available" to my AH as I once was is forcing him to step up. It helps both of us.
I do love my AH and hope we make it. I cannot predict the future, but will be ready for what my HP has in store for me.
Thanks for letting me share. InPain now almost INPEACE
Sounds like he is very ill. I know I made huge problems in my relationship with the ex A. when I started detaching things improved for me they didn't for him. I think its great that you are detaching. Validation doesn't always come from an A at a time when they are still ill.
Reading your story gives me hope and faith that i will find more peaceful days ahead . You are a true inspiration to me ! I'm in the process of learning about detachment , it's been painful for me . Learning to detach from my exAB has been very difficult . I'm turning it over to my HP . Thank you so much for sharing , it has given me more hope for today and days ahead !
thank you for sharing..You give me hope .I need so badly to learn how to detach. I have been mad at my sister for two days over things she said to me on the phone. I keep obsessing about it and can't even get my own life in order worrying about her. She is a A that won't get help and constantly gets herself in trouble. I'm glad I found this site to help me with letting go. I have also copied some Aanon meeting in my area.
