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A decided out of the blue that he is going to marry his childhood girlfriend and move to California so he can find work. Ok whatever kind of weird considering he was asking if we could just sleep together two weeks ago but I'm all for him finding work and supporting kids and maybe he can be good for her long enough to benefit me, maybe he'll get better, who knows. From Myrtle Beach to LA and into his old stomping grounds. I'm not very optimistic but his life his choices. He hasn't found work here and the support would be nice. He has been there to keep the kids some tho and that has been a help.
I'm at the end of my rope with my oldest daughter and have decided that I absolutely can't live with her anymore. Not just for my sanity but for the other two kids I have to raise as well. I'm working on filing an undisciplined minor petition. I feel guilty doing it and I feel guilty if I don't it's a lose lose situation but I know that when she is gone I have sanity and the other kids can breathe. She sucks all of the oxygen out of the room as soon as she enters it. Almost like a tornado entering the house and all hell breaks loose from the moment she enters. All I can do is the best I can with what I have and I don't have what she needs. I have come to accept this and it's hard and it hurts and I feel like a failure as a parent. Hopefully I'm saving the other two from the same fate.
Looking for a new primary job, working a second job too and other odd jobs here and there, gotta get selling on ebay again, been at work 3 days this month between vacation in Washington and strep throat from hell. Still a little sick, still a little tired but I can tell I'm on the up side of this.
I can't complain, I have a great boyfriend who came to cook for me and take care of me while I was sick and brought me juice and medicine. Two of my kids were respectful and tried to bring me food and help out.
Some good some bad but it keeps on changing which is the only constant.
So sorry to hear about your daughter. Not being a mother (except to Pipers) I can't imagine the heartache you must feel. I must say you are handling it with grace. As for all of the other things going on, you are showing us how to live on life's terms. I hope your ex does find work so he can help you. Please take extra good care of yourself. I'm glad your boyfriend has been helping you. Give yourself some extra special "just for me" time. It helps with the recouperation. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Your daughter is telling you she needs attention. She needs stability and a tough mom.
Kids like this need a parent to be stronger than them to make sure they are safe. The other two will be lost also, as they will see mom sending sis away, not loving her enough to do better.
Kids who's parents give up, will never trust anyone again. never.
Dad left, A behavior, mom moves, moms finances change, mom meets new guy, attention is more divided. This girl is crying out in the only way she knows how.Her brain is still growing. She does not know how to say, I need you mom, I am scared mom, please love me unconditionally, help me mom.
It comes out as angry, obnoxious, selfish, negative actions and gets negative attention!!!
Just like when I take in animals who act mean and aggressive, they are afraid, abandoned, in pain. I am tougher, I make them know they are safe, they have attention they need, they are loved even after they may bite me. Next thing I know, they are at my heals, love everyone and are happy here.
Carolina you won't feel better when she is gone. The guilt will eat you up, the fear of where she is will kill you. Your other kids will know mom does not love us unconditionally. They will learn that people are expendable. \ That it is ok to give up. If a person gives up on their child, they will "give up on anything." Your kids learned from older sis, believe me they will be a lot like her, and they will be even more scared you may give up on them too.
It is not natural.
This is a tough situation. I am praying so hard that all the suggestions I gave you in pm will help.
Debilyn
-- Edited by debilyn on Friday 17th of July 2009 12:39:20 PM
I agree with Debbilynn, and didn't know how to say it so eloquently.
The girl has suffered from having an alcoholic father, and has been miserable, apparently, about boyfriend's being in the picture. To be sent away--wouldn't that just polish her off.
My daughter told me that after she had a child, never since has she made a decision that didn't put his and his sister's needs before her own.
Praying for you all, that you get the help you all need. Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Debilyn, you really touched my heart. I'll never forget when all the red flags were going up with my then 15 year old, and every agency/organization I reached out to for help for us let me down. It was heartbreaking.
It wasn't until she ran away and then the state stepped in that the miracle began. It was so hard for me to go visit her in lockup those months we were back and forth to court. I was driving 180 miles (one way) for two months to the juvenile lockup facility in northern Kansas to see her. It was a real prison, only for juveniles, the coiled razor wire around the top just like a penitentiary. When she went to see the doctor, she went in shackles.
The first time I saw her after she turned herself in after running away, they had brought her over in shackles from jail for court. She sneered at me and called me a crazy b*tch. She threw insults at me till I finally ran out of the little room we were in before court, but I didn't give up on her.
Then she was in a foster home for a year, 130 miles from me. I drove down to visit her at least twice a month. I attended parenting classes geared towards teens. My heart hurt so bad but I loved her so much and wanted her to know I wasn't giving up on her.
She just turned 21 last month and still lives with me. We can talk about anything, and we have a good relationship. She knows I never gave up on her (her father was barely existent in her life, and didn't want to go through the screening process to visit her while she was in the system). She works 2 jobs through the school year and is buying her own car (the 2nd one).
She already knew the failings of a father who wasn't there for her. I was all she had left. I am so grateful that God gave me the strength to stick it out with her.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Wow, our incredible Debilyn said it all, and beautifully too.
The only thing I have to add is my ESH when my parents divorced.
It was very traumatic and my 2 brothers and I all went through painful changes. My Mom was still extremely attractive in her mid fifties and of course when the divorce was final the men came calling. Some of them were friends of my parents who had also gotten divorced, happy to now have a chance with my beautiful, elegant, educated Mom.
My Mom really loved us, she was the best mom she could be always and she never responded to these date invitations. Some of them were from collegues at her job, perfectly respectable nice professional men she knew well and knew they were "good catches". At the time, I didn't think much about this, I was too busy with my own pain and dealing with the rotten changes divorce brings a family.
But later, after I survived and grew up and got married and had my own child, we talked about it. My Mom told me that yes she was lonely and sad, but she knew were were too and we needed her. She told me that she knew that big changes are very hard on kids and she knew how much we were hurting and needed HER undivided attention. She shared with me that she knew we needed her there, and focused on us and not distraced by the needs of someone else.
My Mom knew that when kids are hurting and in pain, the last thing they need is more strange stressful change, like her getting a boyfriend who may or may not be good with kids. Someone who would put her through all kinds of changes and keep her from being able to sense our needs as she would have been focused on her own.
In other words, my Mom stayed a "Mom" first, focused on our needs and not her own until we were grown. She said that is part of the unspoken commitment parents make to kids when they give birth to them, to make decisions based on what is best FOR THEM until they are adults themselves. Many times this takes great sacrifice, but that is a parents job, kids don't ask to be here.
I know that they really don't make parents like this anymore, even in my generation I know of no other divorced parents who handled this change so unselfishly and wisely. But I really feel it was the best choice. When we began acting out, my Mom was RIGHT THERE focused just on us, helping us through that horrible time. We actually pulled together as a family and helped each other through that time and got closer than ever as we all healed together. We are all still very close today and really there for each other.
Most people are not willing to make such a sacrifice for their kids, put thier lives on hold for a while, but for those who can do it, it will have good results and they will never be sorry.
We don't give advice, but share ESH, and I can tell you that had my Mom not made the choice she did, I doubt my siblings and I could have come through all of that pain scar free as we did. The "acting out" didn't last long and was not too serious with my strong loving Mom right there, focused, able to guide us through that time.
I know you are happy with a boyfriend who is there for YOU, doing things for you, but life is not all about what we want when we are parents. The choices you make now will likely have repurcussions for the rest of your life and that of your daughter.
Your daughter is likely letting you know that she needs YOU to be there for HER. Acting out is the only way she knows how to tell you she needs you to put the new "not much older than her" boyfriend aside. His age is also likely causing friction, she may pretend to "hate him" not only because he takes you away from her, but also because she may be attracted to him and knows that is taboo. Teens have racing hormones and it is difficult for them to control their thoughts and feelings at time. It is like having raging PMS 24/7.
Most kids don't like live in boyfriends or sleep over boyfriends and a lot of parents are too insensitive and selfish to notice or care. I spent many many hours comforting my sobbing nephew over the horror of the "strange guy" sleeping in bed with his mommy instead of daddy . This guy also had a son and tried very hard to befriend him, and spent a lot of time with him, but that never made the sleeping arrangements Ok with him. Kids can't "confront" their parents and ask for what they need, so they "ask" by acting out.
My career is working with children and I see firsthand the pain of children whose parents divorce and drown their pain in the excitement of new relationships. The children aren't able to do this, they must face and deal with their pain, usually alone with their pleasure loving parents too distracted to help much.
I am sorry if this post angers or upsets you, take what you like and leave the rest.
I have made advocating for children my life's work, and this is always a delicate issue for parents, but they need to hear the truth...from a child's perspective that I hear from so many broken little hearts...
I too pray you make the right choice and help your daughter through this troubled time.
I live in California and the unemployment is over 11% that is what the figures are the real figure is much higher. So I wouldn't hold your breath.
I agree with Debilyn about your daughter. I know for me my life was always on overwhelm and then I started working a program, got a sponsor and went into therapy. The change wasn't needed from outside it was an inside job.
. This guy also had a son and tried very hard to befriend him, and spent a lot of time with him, but that never made the sleeping arrangements Ok with him. Kids can't "confront" their parents and ask for what they need, so they "ask" by acting out.