Well this morning I woke up with heavy thoughts about my ABrother, for today is his 30th birthday, sometimes it is hard to except that how he views life and how I veiw it, are on two very differant tracks, tho when we were growing up you couldn't seperate us from ourselves...

Since I started my trip down Recovery's Doorstep, I have learned alot of things, I honestly didn't know where out there to learn... I had always looks at my Afathers drinking as a disease, but to my Abrother for some reason, "I" Expected more... Which I guess in a sense wasn't very fair to him...

Since I was little, I always LOVED When someone else had a birthday, I think mostly because they had party's and celibrated...With mine being on Christmas Day, it was always left by the way side.. And pretty much still to this day, not much has changed there...

I remember being Envious of my Abrother because he had a Birthday right in the middle of the summer, and ALL his friends would come, and I Think that too is when in my mind, I had to look at him as the "Baby" as well, so that I didn't have Ill feeling tords him for getting something I so wanted as a child...

Now... Today.... I still have moments of Envy when it comes to him, because most days I am doing the best I can to keep my life in order, and my head above water,  keep my bills paid, Keep my son clothed, healthy, fed, keep my car insurance up, house in order, you know the everyday stuff... And him well, If he feels like going to work he goes, he don't have a car, so no insurances, he bounce's from buddy to buddy so he has NO Bills, he don't even have a mail box to send nothing too...I don't envy his living, I envy his lack of responsibility, not always, just sometimes....

Even tho, last week was Hell on Wheels, I still can't stop the love I feel for him in my life, I still can't not Stop Praying Everyday that he Overcomes this, and I still had to "Text" him this morning and remind him that I love him, and wish him a Happy 30th, I honestly am not that person that would not at least make knowledge to his birthday...

After spending the day with him and his kids the other day for my Neices Birthday, I so miss that Brother... He can be So Loving to his Children when he is sober, and not with worthless friends, and watching him swim with his kids, and the smiles on their faces everytime they yell "Daddy" and the Love in his eyes when he hears them yell it... I guess it just crushes me that those moments couldn't be enough to make his see what he is doing not only to himself, but to his kids...

I have learned thru Recovery that I can Still Love him Whole Heartedly, and yet set boundry's as to what I will and will not except or expect from him, We have become closer since I quit the Judgement call on his lifestyle, since I Detached from his Disease, and just Except him for who he is, and not make comment to my thoughts on it...Do i think it will last? Well that is yet to be seen.. I can't Project, but I do Fear, how deep he will go in to Alcohol once he realizes his children, his heart strings, is halfway across the US, and he can't have contact, he can't feel the "I Love Your Daddy's", or see their face when they say it...

how do I stop that Fear? How do I Overcome something, I yet again, have no control over...I know "Let Go & Let God" and I remind myself everyday, but sometimes the pain is deeper then I can manage to get a hold of..

Thanks for listening
Love & Prayers
Jozie