The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Taking care of me doesn't mean pedicures, hot baths, reading a book, or putting on cute clothes and make up. I do those things because they help me to feel good. I honestly believe in my heart that if I would truely take care of me, that I would divorce my husband. I mean, how can I really be taking care of myself if I can't look forward ( cause that would be expecting ) for my husband to be home when I get off of work and eager to see me. Or looking forward for him to come in from offshore and be excited to see me instead of if the dog has water. Or if I can't look forward to my husband coming with me to the beach for the weekend if he is miserable the whole time. Or if I can't be comfortable in my own home cause he is tired (or drunk or wanting to be drunk or what ever the heck his frown is all about ). How can it be taking care of myself if I choose to stay with a person who is not capable of showing love. Yeah, he brings home a paycheck, pays the house note, and makes coffee. But he is only a roommate when he is home from offshore for 7 days at a time. He's a room mate that doesn't cuddle with me on the sofa when watching a movie or in bed for that matter. He's a roommate that will ask what for super, but never calls to say what's for super. And I could go on and on.
Last week my nerves were in a knot as he left to go offshore. The distance let the heat cool and he isn't even home 24 hours and the knots are back.
Taking care of me is being alone in a marriage. It seems like the only way to find peace is to have him out of my life.
Aloha Sincerely...How very different it was for me to come to understand that I didn't "need" her and when I came to love myself as I loved others I also arrived at loving her for real for the very first time and went on with my life. Presently I am married to someone who wants and doesn't give or offer what she wants to me. Thats just the way it is. Last night another male member and I were talking about the "he/she" differences and we arrived at, like it or not or at all in a way we complete each other...in a way. My spouse asks for what she wants. I'm grateful that she just doesn't assume or expect I will always be there or willing to fulfill her wishes. I don't "need" her either. I love her but don't need her for my happiness or serenity. Maybe this is a "doing the best he can with what he's got" thingy? God might know.
((((((hugs))))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 16th of July 2009 08:42:48 PM
It sounds like taking care of you is complicated! I feel like all those things you mentioned were very important things to make you feel better. I for one, enjoy feeling good & looking good--& I appreciate all the compliments when someone says I look good! It seems lately that looking good means something different to other people these days. Looking good can mean you are getting healthier! I am not really in your position but I hope you can get through all the tough times with your husband. The decisions you make are very important! Hang in there! Kathleen
I know what that feels like. There is constant distance between my bf and myself. Little quick kisses is all I get too, no affection, nothing. I also feel like he's just my roommate and in order for me to be happy I think we should split up so I can meet someone who is emotionally available oneday.
My bf quit drinking over a year ago. Lately he's been moody, again, he's always with his friend. I feel like he hates me. I'm practicing detachment again but still hate that our relationship isn't going anywhere.
Yeah, he also asks me what's for dinner and well I guess expects me to do everything in this household. Anyway, just wanted to let you know we are basically in the same boat.
Getting divorced is a huge undertaking. i think in al anon we take it slowly and then get to the big subjects. Certainly for me the detachment started off very small and built up. There is no need to beat yourself to smithereens. I know for me I really had to use the plan be tool and lean very very heavily on this group to get to a place of being willing to let go. I'm over two years out and I'd say it is an incredible undertaking to leave. Be kind to yourself you already have enough to deal with without reprimanding yourself.
I also think that taking care of me was about taking care of myself as best as I could until I found the strength to separate. Making a plan be helped. Leaning on this group helped as well as seeing a therapist. Leaving any relationship is a tremendous undertaking. I think leaving an active alcoholic is especially difficult.
