19:38xx

feel sick... need sleep

19:39Me

What's up xx...? Is it
all getting to you?

19:40xx

midwife appt and HE never showed... i rang him went
to voicemail.. he text while she was here... he asks what is it i want from him
exactly

just wound up, sick off ppl saying its not good for
the baby... i need to relax.. have t go to work and so on..... jus  *?<£$%&>@  me
off.

yeah cos i want the stress dont i

nothing nothing nothing just empty and feel twisted
up cos i cannot relax

Then she went off line...and there was silence...so I get to thinking:  Serenity Prayer.  ( I feel all welled up and sad for her and the tears come easily.)

Decide I have to say something to help her get all of this into perspective and help her think about CHANGING SOMETHING here.  So, now I have my al-anon head on I decide to just do it and leave it with her...

So I text her the following:

me Why have you gone off line?  Do you want to chat?  Call me.  Phone is charged and I am sitting down stairs now. Xxx  Really concerned and want to help if I can.  Even if it is only to let you sound off to me right now. Xxx I really do want to help. Xxx

xx Head hurts.  Feel bit sick that's all.  Worn out. N wound up, would be nice if HE made some effort  or I could stop hoping that's all.

me In al-anon they teach detachment. [And then, just as I have been saying here I repeat the nothing changes bit.]

Nothing changes til something changes.  And you can only change you in this situation.  Expect nothing that way you will not be disappointed and consequently no longer open to hurt from anothers' action.  You cannot change him, only he can do that and that does no seen to be on the cards right now.  But (and I mean but) you can change your response and that will help you to a healthier way forward.

Plan as if he is not going to show whilst keeping plan b in the back of your mind so that if he does show that is a bonus. 

Do not set yourself up for disappointment that you do not need.  Set up FOR YOU. 

That's the change I see that will help you right now. Xxx I love you sweetheart and know this way might not be what you would like ideally but we do not live in an ideal world.  We live in a realistic world and this is realistic. Xxx

[I had asked her about the hospital and the scan and the midwife and the doctor earlier but she had not responded to that.]

xx Yeah I know.  Hospital was good Monday, got another scan on 17 Aug :) midwife is awesome & doc I see really really helpful.  Baby, busy busy. xx 

Thank you for being there for me.  I was going to come up but that has fallen by the wayside... kids away on 23rd - well except for one (K) so I will let you know. I feel real close to you right now. xx

So, how am I doing?  Some of you know that I have had a real hard time with my daughter and it has not been easy, however, her counselling and her more receptive attitude has really helped these last few months or so.  She is less aggressive toward me the more assertive I become in my stance against what is not acceptable.  And I am not afraid to lose her anymore, which is the crunch line for me.  If she cuts me off, she cuts me off.  If she keeps me close, she keeps me close.  I no longer feel afraid, or threatened by her.  I no longer feel guilty.

Okay, just running things past you my dears.  Being alone makes it hard to judge from a subjective stance.

Suzannah