The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I woke up this am and found myself again thinking about EXABF-UGHHH!!!!. There has been much progress made-he used to consume every waking thought and moment from the time my eyes opened, now though I think about him it is in fleeting moments, usually remembering a time we shared last Summer or wondering what he is doing now. The moments don't last long, and I have learned to bring the focus back to myself more and more quickly. Do I still care for him after all of the insanity....yes I do. Will it ever stop??????????Will it just EVER be done and over with?
I have been spending some time off and on with male friends that I have known and dated in the past but not really attempting anything more that that until last night. One of my male friends "G" and I have known one another for 10+ years and tried dating off and on but have never been in the same place at the same time. He has been very supportive through all I have been through in the past 8mths and knows that I am in no way ready for a committed relationship right now and knows where I am in recovery. But lately when he and I do things together I see him in a different light.....not as just my buddy but as a man. I don't know if it's because he has grown in the past years or because of my program and me growing now and seeing things differently, or because of his never ending support, or because he is financially stable and I am struggling more and more daily. I don't know what it is, I just know that something is different in the way I see him. He is a "normal" works hard, has no problems I need to fix, does not NEED me for anything, has a good job and is stable, has a huge heart, and is probally more of a caretaker than I...... He might drink a beer or two on the weekend but NOT an A in anyway.
Last night I had a date with a new guy......someone I had NOT known in anyway prior and it was nice too. We met at the movies.......saw the Proposal (it was a hoot by the way) and chatted some after. He too "appears to be" normal (I don't know him well enough yet)......a beer on rare occassions and such, the only drawback is he is newly seperated...soon to be divorced, and about 5 yrs younger.
So I am getting out some and testing the waters so to speak, and I HATE it all......It's scarey and hard and I HATE dating! I want that comfort zone I had with EXABF. I want the easy way we fell together at the end of the day, and how our schedules worked great for seeing one another and how he was so perfect and kind and romantic and easy to talk to. I want my best friend back!!! And I HATE him somedays for taking him away!
I'm just struggling right now, I guess with doing the next right thing. I'm working my program and doing the best I can, and for the most part feel like I have come a long wayyyyy. I have had no contact at all with EXABF in 3 weeks tomorrow nor have I been snooping into what he is doing. I know I need to date again-it's been ages, and I know I'm not ready for anything more just yet, but I really just do NOT have the heart to put into it........I think a huge part of that is still with EXBF....... Thanks so much for letting me share on this off day Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
When I think like this, I have to remember, whose Will am I embracing? The disease comes roaring back, when I begin to second-guess the decisions I have made and start wanting my will again.
There is no struggle when I let go, and let God. There will always be the "good memories," that's usually what I miss. However, part of our story together, is a total nightmare. So, keep in mind, our feelings follow our thoughts. What is your focus today?
I think step 11 is a genius step for us kickers and screamers. LOL
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 8th of July 2009 12:29:59 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hang in there honey - I can share my e, s, & h - is that it does get better.
I had not been on a date in over 17 yrs and I was scared to death.
I had a wonderful support group in recovery that had helped me work thru the steps of the grief of the loss of my marriage, the loss of the dream of what I had hoped was going to be, the death of my well planned out future and the devasting reality of where I ended up when I moved out to protect my sanity and safety.
I had no idea where that 1st date was going to take me - I had no idea what the God of my understanding had planned - but if I had know - I would not have had that FEAR.
It has taken lots of time and still I am healing thru this process - but sweetie it does get better - It is true about there is "Life out there" and it is beautiful, Happy, and FREE.
Don't give up until the miracles happen for you - the miracle may be a new relationship or it may be the peace in life on your own - whatever it is - trust that you will be ok - even better than ok!!
HUGS to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Aloha Shelly...feeling for you and in support. I didn't do dating well at all until I came to believe that most problems in my life were mine and about my choices. That's why I didn't do dating well. The dating game turned out in honesty to be affairs...broken new relationships because I was taking "me" into everyone of them.
I had a lot to learn about me and I chose to learn it in program. When the lessons started to work I stopped hurting myself and others in my new relationships. What really came to scare me was that if I didn't learn then the next relationship was already predictable. I learned in another broken relationship that I had a love for people and liked having people in my life (people being female relationships) but that I didn't "NEED" them. That new awareness flipped me on my ear and went against everything I knew in the past and then, "Why was I in the program then?". My relationships had been needy before I learned that and that about myself and after I learned that I started to make better choices including dating choices. I've learned not to loose myself to need and to take care of myself while others are involved in my life.
HP's will first and always is a good lantern to use when on this trail.
I would say you may not miss exbf, you miss the familiararity of being with a man you are comfy with.
So maybe on a date do what is more comfy. I like to go for walks, or go out with a group, take our dogs for a walk too. Things where you can just relax.
You will find that again as you find someone you want to get to know better. Take a breath and give it a chance. You are learning if you want to be friends, not a mate yet.
love,debilyn who says she will double date with you! ummm ok so who will be my date? rudger hauer, or that neat guy on Two Moon Junction the movie I mean.
Sounds all good to me. I think watching, waiting and reflecting are all good signs. Comfort for toxicity is what a lot of us have. The urge to rush in is there for many of us. The fact is you don't rush in, marry them or see them every second of the day. You are absolutely on the right track.
