The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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Wow once they get sober you realise how much you need to change even more so. I have been very resebtful and angrey, suffering the poor me's. Wanting everything to get better overnight now he is sober ( only been 2-3 months).
I went to my f2f the subject was expectations and I realised to my shame that Its like expecting a baby to run a marathon when they have just learnt to walk. He is in very early recovery and I expect far to much.
I have a problem its my 40th at christmas I want to celebrate in style I want a very special holiday I feel I really deserve it after the past couple of years. My partner indulges my dream says we will do it but I dont want tp set myself up for resentments. He is still clearing debts, he still carnt handle money appropriatley although he is doing so much better.
Maybe I carnt have my dream I know its not his fault just wish sometimes I didnt always have to compremise. But I am aware this will be a big issue for me I need to accept reality now rather than raise my hope then get resentful
hope I am amking sense. I will have to try gratitude any holiday is better than none, and my AB is sober thats the most important thing
Good realizations on your part. This is life on life's terms. There is nothing to say that perhaps on your 41st you can celebrate in style. In these hard economic times, I have to rethink things myself. Which ever you choose remember to celebrate YOU! I wish you both well in your recoveries. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
The good news is, you have plenty of time to plan (and save). Be sure to put in place a plan B that will bring you just as much joy.
None of it is a problem unless you allow it to be one. Are your plans realistic? Is it something you need to save for? If so, make a plan for that too. He "indulges" your plan, but ultimately it is your plan. That shouldn't mean if it doesn't happen you should be resentful toward him.
Just my opinion..
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hello! Great observations! I had the same ones myself at one time. Expectations... I don't have any. I don't expect anything cause it never gets done unless I do it myself. Plan your own shing ding! We all deserve it.
Ahhhh Tracy what a humble post. Actually you know that you can go after your own will with all the power and justification that you did in the past but should you? You are being considerate and that is cool especially since you don't know how it will turn out in the future. Kill the expectations and the resentments don't show up. I can tell you that in early sobriety (my alcoholic wife's) I played a major part in her relapse. I applied too much pressure and relieved her from looking for sobriety after a short period of time. Cunning, Powerful and Baffling!! What ever you decide and how ever it works out...HP is the will to hang on to.
I set myself up to fail so many times with "celebrations". They are really really loaded for me. I have to work pretty hard on what I can do. One thing I would suggest is to always always have a plan be.
Ah, Tracy - I can so relate to all you have shared on expectations and the 'loss of the dream'. I know about holding onto it and even subconciously allowing the A to feed into it with the things he says that we WANT so desperately to be true. For me, I've found the more I understood and educated myself on A'ism I've realized that this is truly a disease and there is alot of emotional effects that come with it. I believe that my ABF truly didn't want to ever drink or use drugs again but his disease was stronger than his recovery. I find when I take his recovery or lack thereof personally, is when my expectations and disappointments come into play. Then there is that sadness that comes with accepting the reality - that we may need to simply let go of our hopes and dreams of a future with this person. When I first came into the program, I found I would always probably need to grieve this loss of the dream. Today, I still struggle with it tremendously. I used to ask myself if I was wrong to want to a dependable man/relationship in my life? I feel as though because I know I am dating an A, I must resolve myself to the fact that I cannot have that fairy-tale in my mind.
I no longer do holidays, but when I did the best one was when we went up in our own woods, cut two spindly trees, stuck them together to make one nice one.
Was just my two kids and me. AH had just died that year. We strung popcorn and cranberries and wrapped gifts with paper bag paper and put leaves and moss and stuff on to decorate the gifts.
I burned mulberry insense and we had candles all over. It was so much fun! Especially when our dog, A blue Great Dane, Anne Blue, started eating the popcorn off the tree, the ferrets climbed the tree and tore open some gifts. lol
