Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Independance Day


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 654
Date:
Independance Day


For the first time in ages, I feel like I am slowly finding my way back to my independant, self sufficient, happy, and confident self.  The journey has been long and rough at times, and it continues and will continue forever, and I am happy and looking forward to each and every day of it.

I've finally allowed myself the blessing of THINKING/FEELING......REALLY thinking/feeling for the first time in perhaps my life.  It is a scarey process and enlightening and rewarding all at the same time. Did I mention scarey????lol

Looking back on the past 8mths of my life, and my relationship with EXABF I can see many things clearer than I have since it all began. The rose colored glasses have been removed.  I was thinking about my earlier post and thinking about the best time that he and I shared, and was slammed with yet another reality that I am still struggling with today. 

The happiest day I can remember he and I sharing was a trip to the Zoo......right after my knee surgery.......a trip I barely even remember because I was wired up on Oxycondon.  EXABF, who had been in recovery for ADDICTION for 10+ years was the man who handed me my very first oxcondon months before my knee surgery.  EXABF has been on oxy's for years and years for a back injury in the military and gets a fresh supply monthly from the Vets.  In the beginning when I expressed concern about this he assured me he had in under control and only took what was prescribed and would have to for life.  I had no idea just HOW addictive these pills are.

  For 3+ years I had been back and forth to all kinds of Drs and had mulitple surgerys to relieve the seemingly never ending pain in my hip/knee.  Nothing ever worked and no Dr has yet found the cause.  Prior to the knee surgery mentioned above I had had two other surgerys in the past and was in pain off and on and could not sleep or rest or barely walk on many occassions but the Dr did not feel pain meds were warranted, EXABF helped with that by sharing (willingly at first) his VERY ADDICTIVE oxy's.  When he didn't share willingly, I just helped myself when he wasn't looking -this went on for months before and after my surgery(which again did not work), he stayed with me on the weekends and of course brought his "overnight bag" when he came, this continued right up until we split, and even a day or two after (as he left his med bottle here when he left).

All of this thought was triggered by the pain I am in again......another week of no sleep, or dozing off only to be woken by more pain,  and wondering if it will ever just be done, or if any Dr anywhere will find the source of the hip pain and why my legs are now going numb on top of it. 

I had never thought of myself as addicted to these pills but if someone had some right now and offered them to me I'd take them in a heart beat.....I wonder WHY an addict such as EXABF and someone with so much experience in the program would EVER give someone, especially a codie like me, such a highly addictive drug?????  I wonder why someone of my intelligence and background in drugs would ever take it?  I wonder if the breakup was all that bad or it was withdrawl instead????  So many questions.....but I'm going to look into all of them, in time. 

It is independance day for me, a day that I am actually realizing that there was alot more to the past 8 mths than a broken heart and hurt feelings, that maybe there was more than an addiction to a person involved here, maybe another addiction?.   That there was more to the past 18 yrs than hiding and freezing feelings.  That there is more to life than being afraid to look at oneself-even when we may not like what we see when we do. 

I am fighting my way back with everything I have and a HP that is holding me up and guiding me EVERY step of the way, and I will be ok.  He is bigger than any of this and I know that.........as much as I now understand that I am right where I'm meant to be......PERFECTLY IMPERFECT...

Happy 4th MIP family, and many blessings to each and everyone of you.
Shelly




__________________

Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!

Only God can turn a mess into a message.

Prayin' on it, Stayin' on it, I will survive it.

If nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes.

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.