The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
this is my first posting so sorry for any mistakes. i am trying to detach from my daughter cos i know after months trying i cannot help her. she's on another binge now and this is when i panic cos she often tells her friends she has taken an overdose cos she no longer wants to live, they panic an ring me, an i wont know what to do, do i call her bluff? she has taken overdose once before. im finding this so hard because we are so close. she had bin dry for 14yrs an took up drinking 2yrs ago, she goes to AA meetings and seems to be trying. hope someone can help ME so i can help MYSELF get over this nightmare. i need lot of hugs
Hello and wecome , u do what u have to do to be able to live with yourself . We all know that everytime we rescue we are allowing the disease to continue ,we are enablers by nature and until we stop doing for them what they could be doing for themselves nothing will change . I believe it is much easier to detach from a husband than it is a child i do not envy your position , love her accept her for who she is and remember that she too has a Higher Power and He will take her where she needs to go and hopfully bring her back . One thing I know for sure , is that head full of AA and a belly full of booze , this lady is not having fun she is still attending meetings that is a good thing . leave her to "God and AA and let our program take care of you. good luck Louise
you say------------i am trying to detach from my daughter cos i know after months trying i cannot help her. she's on another binge now and this is when i panic cos she often tells her friends she has taken an overdose cos she no longer wants to live, they panic an ring me, an i wont know what to do, do i call her bluff? she has taken overdose once before. im finding this so hard because we are so close.
i say---------you didn't cause this............you cannot control it...........you cannot cure it............my ex AH threatened to kill himself if i left............i told him, that i did not want him to die, however his life or death was NOT my responsiblity or in my power to stop..........he had to do what he had to do............it was out of my hands.........sure, i prayed, but really, even b4 recovery, I KNEW i had no control over what another does...............if he had killed himself, i would have felt sad, but NEVER responsible for his suicide b/c ...........1...he is adult enough to make own choices..................2...i did not torture an innocent child, drive her insane and cause her death, like my father tried to do w/me....
there a big difference between an adult making a choice and a child being driven to suicide by a parent.............my ex alkie husband was an adult, capable of making choices............i am grateful he did not kill himself, but if he had, i would not accept responsibility for his death b/c i never did anything but try and help him, support him, talk to him about recovery..............he did not want to go..........i left........he threatened, but i noticed that he was very much alive after i said "i do not want you to die, however, i cannot stop you and if this is what you really want, then i will pray for you, but will not take the blame".....................at the time i did not know that i could have called the cops and reported his threat..............in texas , here, if one suspects another may harm themselves, they can be "turned in" and the police will talk with them and if they look like a theat, i think the police can take them to a hospital..............so if you really think she may try, maybe turning her into the authorities who can help her, maybe, would be a consideration.......
good luck.......i know this has to be painful.........PEACE
I've been told the best thing to do when someone threatens suicide is to call 911 everytime, then they spend 3 days in a psych ward. If they aren't serious they will think twice befor making the threat again.
If they are serious then a psych evaluation is done during the 3 days which is their best interest. It's a win/win situation.
-- Edited by Christy on Saturday 4th of July 2009 12:49:48 AM
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I do what Christy preaches without a tic of hesitation. Professionals are better at this than I (I know I've messed emergencies up before) and she will be having the better of care than if you give it the attempt. They will not be in the mental and emotional panic you are in. Also.....If you are not already attending Al-Anon Family Group face to face meetings I will urgently suggest you call the Al-Anon hotline number for the meetings close to you and go as very soon as you can. When you get there they will understand why you are there and what needs to happen next. Just get into the room...all the way in; sit down and listen with a very open mind and then hang with them after the meeting is over and ask questions or just plain ask for help. Our's is not an overnight solution so keep in mind also, "Keep coming back. It works when you work it."
Jerry said-------------I will urgently suggest you call the Al-Anon hotline number for the meetings close to you and go as very soon as you can. When you get there they will understand why you are there and what needs to happen next. Just get into the room...all the way in; sit down and listen with a very open mind and then hang with them after the meeting is over and ask questions or just plain ask for help. Our's is not an overnight solution so keep in mind also, "Keep coming back. It works when you work it."
i say------------AMEN and DITTO.........forgot to mention that...........i would get a sponsor, 12 steps lit. and MEETINGS.....the folks who have been there for a while can really help you out............i hope you go..........and yea, "keep coming back" means we aer in this for life.........OUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!
Sweetheart, I walk in your shoes. It is my son's who suffer this dreaded disease. We have had suicide attempts and threats as well. It's the most terrifying ordeal any parent should ever have to live through. Sadly, sometimes they bluff for attention sometimes they try it. I was told by a professional never ever try to guess which one it is. When someone says they want to commit suicide, take them seriously calmly walk over to the phone and dial 911. The police and emergency personal are trained to make an emotional evaluation.
Know that we've lived through the same terrior, fear and saddness. A some point they make a choice to not choose death, insanity or jail. Sometimes they don't. Either way, I can't do it for them. Hard pill to swallow. By calling in the professionals they get the hint you don't want to buy into the games, they also get your taking them serious. The up side is, most communities have wonderful Crisis centers where many of their issues are discussed in a safe place.
We are never givin' more than we can handle. That is a promise. No parent should have to feel this kind of terror. So don't. You've raised her, she has free will, she needs to learn to live. The more you stand back the quicker she will realize she can no longer run you through the hoops.
Sweetie, if you remember anything from my reply, remember this...You didn't cause this, you can't cure this and you certainly can't control this. If it were a total stranger you would call 911, it's no different.
Dear Mary....I have travelled down the exact same road as you. I have walked in those same shoes. It is a difficult journey.
Our son is an alcoholic. Just for today, I am grateful and thankful that he has been in recovery with AA program for two years now. ODAAT.
As a parent, it is horrific beyond anything when a child attempts suicide. Our son did attempt suicide. If but for the grace of God, he had second thoughts and managed to contact a friend with his plea for help. Had that friend not responded and felt that it wasn't his responsibility to call 911, our beloved son would not be here today enjoying his sobriety and embracing all that life has to offer.
Christy wrote:
I've been told the best thing to do when someone threatens suicide is to call 911 everytime, then they spend 3 days in a psych ward. If they aren't serious they will think twice befor making the threat again.
If they are serious then a psych evaluation is done during the 3 days which is their best interest. It's a win/win situation.
-- Edited by Christy on Saturday 4th of July 2009 12:49:48 AM
EXACTLY, Christy. Thank you for saying that. Our son underwent that evaluation. It was determined that he felt he could no longer live with this disease. He was out of control. With therapy, he began to understand that he probably was getting ready to hit his bottom. Believe it or not, he still ended up relapsing more times than I care to recall that following year. But he never gave up trying and WE never gave up on him.
We can still detach with love and compassion. It's just a little bit different with our children, though. We continue to offer our support and encouragement. And we've learned to step out of his way so that he could see the path to recovery clearly. There is enough obstacles in the road to recovery without us being a major hurdle . And besides, and very importantly, we need to concentrate on our own journey to healing as well.
Some things are best left to our HP. I pray alot to understand to accept that it is what it is. And I continue to thank the Lord for each new day for our son and for our family as a whole.
My thoughts are with you and your family and daughter.
-- Edited by DD on Saturday 4th of July 2009 01:59:47 PM
thanks for reply DD. iv not heard from my daughter since yesterday so im hurting right now. she dont live near my but we meet up often and text or phone everyday, but shes not answering today. she's got many friend where she lives so i hope she will call them if she needs help.
Spent the last 5 years trying to 'fix' him.........until Jan this year when I reached my rock bottom, and realised it was me who needed fixing....I was sick..... I was sobbing, desperate, exhausted when I sat at my computer that dark night.....desperately searching for something...anything... to ease the pain and heartache..... Thank You HP who came in the guise of google and led me here to MIP. I spent all that night reading the posts here, and the next night and the next...then reading the links and the books and literature recommended.
I posted my own story and was welcomed with warmth and understanding, and was gently encouraged to attend an Al-non f2f meeting...which I did...and still do.
I thought what DD said 'There is enough obstacles in the road to recovery without us being a major hurdle . And besides, and very importantly, we need to concentrate on our own journey to healing as well'....was very pertinent to where I am today, a place I wouldn't be without the ESH and support I find here at MIP.....and Al-anon.
I have stepped out of the way...I understand why I have to.....I have been able to hand his disease back to him. I have detached with love while continuing to support and encourage where I can.
This is just a little of my story..... I hope it helps......take what you like...leave the rest
hi Ness, thanks for yor reply. i had a good day today looking after ME, i was pleased with how my day went. lost my way a bit this eve cos had no contact from daugther for long time and had a panic nearly called the police but in the end got a friend of her to check on her. she's still alive friend left quietly and i can get some sleep. tomorrows another day and i will try to look after me again.
she is still attending meetings that is a good thing . leave her to "God and AA and let our program take care of you. good luck Louise
