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argh... people have been posting about this issue (their ABF or AH or AGF or AW in early recovery and acting like a horrible mess - and then slipping and then being awful again...) and i really don't want to rehash it but i kinda want to just vent.
i'm going away for 5 days after work tomorrow. AH said he was sad to see me go, he'll miss me, etc. He's been dry for a scant 10 days (which, to be honest, is the most time he's ever gone so it's a big deal). But what does he do last night and now tonight - the very last few hours i can see him before i leave? Yeah. You guessed it. He's out at some bar.
I reacted. I just got home from a soccer game (one that he encouraged me to go to and once i came home from work and saw that he was still on a bender, i decided to go and play) and called him.
"Are you coming home? Like soon?"
"Nooooo. I'm not hooooome. I'm like a microphone.... on the microphone...."
And then he hung up. He's out with his degenerate friend - someone i have forbidden to come into my house because he's a toxic jerk (my father threw this dude out of my wedding for being a sexually agressive drunk ).
excuse the language.
how many times do they "slip" in early recovery before it's really not considered "recovery"? i feel like i'm still in denial. i'm so tired of trying to get inside of his head.
-- Edited by tlcate on Tuesday 30th of June 2009 10:10:18 PM
honestly, sometimes i think that i don't know what i want to do. this week's been hard. i've been on an emotional roller coaster. i'm trying hard to get off. i've been struggling with my own recovery - i can't seem to grasp step 2. i know that the HP is as I define it... but i am drawing a blank on defining it. i grew up in a painfully restrictive, extremist religious household - my parents were basically in a cult. and without going into details, let's just say it's hard for a teenage girl to NOT grow up and become an atheist in that kind of environment.
i'm a little all over the map on this topic, aren't i?
Hon he was never in recovery. Did he go to meetings every day of those 10 days? Did he make a plan of recovery to help him to meet his goal of staying in recovery?
Arrange a sponsor? Read literature?
He was just a fruitcake with out the nuts.
Seren is so right. It does not matter, he will do whatever he does. We look at our own life and decide what we want to do.
If we can learn to handle living with them, allowing them the dignity to make their choices and not police them, keep an eye on them, count their recovery days, etc then we stay.
I would even say to my AH you know I don't want to talk about it. It has nothing to do with me. It is your disease, I just love you as is.
Oh Good God DON'T try to get into his head!!! You can't!!! It is impossible.
Focus on you. What do you want, what can you achieve, how are you going to get there?
He's going to drink or not....what are you going to do?
DITTO......and what are you doing to TAKE CARE OF YOU?????? focusing on him is a total waste.......i would get into meets....drag out the steps.....talk w/my sponsor and keep focus on ME.....
what are YOUR needs??? where do you want to be in a year??????
Hon there is no point n getting angry and ruining your day ,he is only doing what A's do drink ! He is not in recovery as long as he keeps drinking , and he will continue to do this until he is done , Go on your holiday and enjoy yourself , even if you were home u couldnt stop him at least away u don't have to watch whats going on . Every one is diff , your husb will continue til he's done . period . Have a good time on your 5 days away , play and enjoy . there is nothing u can do about him . Louise
Aloha xter...Part of the lesson in turning it over is the not taking it back. Normal for me was playing vollyball with God. I'd serve my problem with the alcoholic over to God's side and then demand that it be returned. I always got it back because that was HP's way of teaching me to finally release the uncontrolable in my life over without taking it back. With practice...you'll ge it. So practice, practice, practice...then it will come.
All of you are so very helpful. I'm going to try to sneak out of the office today during lunch to hit a meeting and I'm definitely going to one while I'm out in Cali. Thank all of you for responding.
For me, I have to STOP, STOP, STOP when I try to get in their head. My experience is that you will never figure them out using or sober. I finally got that when one day I thought to myself... what would people see if they tried to get into my head? Tried to figure me out? Only I really know what I'm thinking and where I'm at in my head.
My A/A BF has been trying for for 10 years to get sober. It takes what it takes for them... hitting their bottom and some of their bottoms are lower than others. Before I met my BF, he had a year; went back out and it was multiple years before he tried again. He went into detox and then a 28 day program... stayed sober for 90 days and then went back out. He now has 6 months and lives in a 1/2 way house where there is recovery 24/7 and for him, that is working for now.
This is why my program is so, very important to me. al-Anon keeps me from trying to zig when they zig or zag when they zag. There is really no telling what they may do next, sober or not, so I just have to focus on me! What am I going to do to be okay with me today.
A great great great resource for you will be Getting them Sober. Do whatever you can to get that book That will give you many answers and give you a perspective on what to do and how to take care of yourself.
Boy, do I recall my deep desire to "understand"! I really just wanted to try to understand, you know?! I wanted to understand for a long time and then I realized that regardless of understanding or not, he was gonna do what he was gonna do! MY understanding of him and his behaviors and actions were completely meaningless. Lord knows he did not care one iota about understanding me, of course!
What I needed to focus on was ME and understanding MYSELF and my part in it all. And the greatest thing of all is I needed to get a good understanding of HP, this program and myself in both of those scenarios. Thats all I really needed to understand- the rest fell into place.
HP is the only one who needs to "understand" and get it. I will leave it with him.
I need to put on my own oxygen mask first, then I can help others. Here is my order of priorities: HP, me, friends and family and loved ones. I keep it simple. hugs, J.
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