The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm glad to have found this community to share and learn and I'm looking forward to meeting all of you.
Where to begin...I'm 26 and I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for two years now. The first year I didn't really notice the effects on him, or I just didn't take them too seriously. However, a lot has changed since then, mainly how nasty and mean he gets towards me. I'm not really new to alcoholism since my dad is also an alcoholic, but I no longer have contact with him. With my boyfriend, I've noticed that as it goes on the more he blames his drinking on me.
I know I've made bad decisions in life but I've been trying to work on myself and bettering myself and just trying to be happy..sadlyit's getting harder and harder to do. Most recently (last week) he returned from a night of drinking and back to insult me in ways I never thought would happen. I told him that we would talk the next day when he was sober and when we could have a civilized conversation but he wouldn't let go of his mission to bring me down.
I've been searching for a job for a while now, but I do what I can to pay my half of the rent and pay the bills. He has started to use my lack of employment as the reason for his drinking so much.
For the past three months now at least twice a week he buys a case of 18 and drinks them in one sitting, otherwise he'll buy a few large beers every night. I dread the weekends, I dread holidays, I dread when he says he's going to corner store because I'm so scared of what he will say later on in the night or what will happen.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to worry about my own life and taking care of me and what I need to do but it's so hard to get the self-confidence and self-respect when someone who's supposed love/care for me can say such hurtful, insulting and mean things. I'm starting to lose respect for him more and more and I have zero trust in him when he drinks. The only other person I talk to about this (my mother) tells me to leave..but is that really the only option? My BF has even admitted he has a problem but instead of seeking help, he reaches for the bottle.
((((JBee)))) Hello and welcome to MIP......Glad to have you here and you are most definitely in the right place. We all find our way here when the time is right:)
We try not to give advice here, but instead try and offer you some ESH (encouragement, strength and hope) through our own experiences. This is the place where we put the focus on US and our recovery.
I was told when I first came here to find a Face to face meeting in my area and I did. It was scarey at first but a blessing in more ways than you will ever begin to imagine. There are also online meetings here to help you. AlAnon also has lots of reading material and one book I have found to be great is Courage to Change (it's a daily reader)
I finally reached my bottem with EXABF (who is sober and has been in recovery for almost 11 years now)a little over a week and a half ago, and we have been broken up for almost 8 mths. We all get there in our own time:) The last words he spoke to me were cruel and though I can see now there was truthfullness in them (He asked me in a not so nice sort of way what happened to my dignity, pride and self respect) I was taken aback and literally nauseous when I hung the phone up on him. But he was right, cruel about it, but right.....I had lost my dignity, pride, self respect and confidence. I had been one of the most independant, dignified, self supporting women in the world when he and I met.......and I had lost all of that......to a horrible disease. The best part of all of this was there is no way for me to go now but UP!!!!
I have finally just learned to grasp Detachment and it has been a struggle for me, but I am doing much better.
Read what you can get your hands on, get to meetings and come here and post as often as you like.......we've all been where you are in some form or another. And the people here are full of compassion, love and understanding.
Keep it simple and keep coming back Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Your story is all too common. Most enter these doors because they too have felt less then. Were told they cause it. Were told if only. Were dreading holidays and weekends. Came from Alcohlic homes only to find that is what they sought out as a partner in life. Wondering how to cope and noticing an increase in the untolerable and unacceptable behavior of those active A's in their lives.
One of the first things I learned in Alanon was what we call the three C's, We didn't cause it. We can't cure it and we can't control it. That has to be his choice, his quest.
What I can tell you is there is hope and there is help for you in this program. We learn about setting boundaries for ourselves and our safety (which sometimes can mean peace of mind). We find in the face to face groups located all over the world others who are also friends or family of active alcoholics and who are willing to discuss topics with you that have never been discussed before.
We learn how to begin focusing on our needs and our health and our serenity. There are choices. Please keep coming back this only the beginning of what the program of Alanon can provide.
You have walked thru the right door. Many will express their own welcome at having you here. Most all of the MIP recognize your story and have been at one time where you are at right now and learned how to change it.
You don't have to get defensive about yourself and you are not to blame for his drinking and the consequences of his drinking. Believe this...his drinking and his negative consequences are a result of his compulsive drinking. He is blaming you maybe because alcoholics have a huge problem drinking and getting drunk and then holding themselves responsible for it. They also see a problem in not being able to "control" their drinking, failing at it and getting drunk inspite of their attempts. They also ride the merry-go-round of denial. I read your post also thru the eyes of an addiction counselor and can positively say that his drinking is abnormal. Sitting down and drinking 18 of anything much less beer is not normal and if the results when it is beer is that your mind, body, spirit and emotions end up in the toilet then you qualify for some serious detoxification and help. He already knows that but won't face it if he can throw the blame out at you and get you to believe it and start blaming yourself while he is drinking. That way all he has to do is drink and you will automatically do and accept the blame part. That's not a win win situation for him or for you. He already knows he is being owned by alcohol...and hates it. He also knows that alcohol kills...and hates it. He knows too that he cannot escape without help and he is frightened. But he has to make the run. Let him run and turn him over to God as you understand God and go to the telephone white pages in your area.
Look for the phone number for Al-Anon and call it. Find the meeting places and times for your area (it's worldwide not a secret cult) and commit to getting to the very first one you can. There will be alot of us there face to face and we will know how to help. There is a table load of literature, much of it free so that you can read. Knowledge is power. There will be daily readers you can purchase if you like and monthly pamphlets you can take home. There will be oldtimers you can talk with who will fill you in on a lot of stuff from their experience and perspectives. It's all good stuff and will save your own mind, body, spirit and emotions. Learn the steps and traditions we use, the serenity prayer, the slogans and our recovery stories. He may continue to drink. You will get better.
I'm glad you have arrived. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I can sooo relate to so much of what you wrote. I am 25. I was with my son's father for 3 years. ( I just left him about 2 months ago). I really didn't notice the effects on him in the beginning as well. It actually took me a bit over 2 years to see what this disease has done to him. My mom and dad were both alcoholics as well.
He would find many reasons to blame his drinking on me or his cheating (which I beleive he has a sex addiction as well). I didn't have a job, I wasn't grateful for him, I didn't love him...blah blah he has told me it all. And I think he does this because he is hurting and in pain and he turns it around to put the blame on me to make himself feel a little better and then a bottle of liquor to help even more.
We can't Cure them from drinking. We didn't Cause their drinking. And we can not Control their drinking. It's called the 3 c's. I say this over and over to myself often.
I used to always talk to my friends about our problems but they couldn't relate. they weren't dealing with an alcoholic like I was. So now I don't even bother explaining things to them. I just talk to others in Alanon. Keep listening and sharing here and you will see how much others can relate to what you are going through. It helps give you hope that you will be okay!!
I want to tell you one thing. KEEP COMING BACK. I have only been here 6 months and I feel SOOO much better! Know that there is hope just take it one day at a time!!
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Thank you so much for the welcome everyone. After I wrote the truth in my original post I felt lighter.
Tomorrow is Canada Day here. Normally I'm excited and looking forward to the day, but knowing what comes along with it, I just feel nauseated and nervous.
But it has started to rain and I hear thunderstorms may come so things are looking up (Always looking forward to a good a t-storm )
Jerry, some of the things you said really hit home - thanks so much for sharing everyone.
I too am relatively new to the group. What pops out in your story is that I too was about 26 when I realized my ex's drinking was affecting my life and my family's life. I spent years in and out of Al-Anon always thinking/hoping/praying I could fix him, make him stop drinking, make him better. With my dreams dashed, I left the marriage only to hook up with another drinker but this time drugs were involved. I continued to go in out out of Al-Anon but still not wanting to admit my powerlessness to stop the drinking/drugging. Trust me, they only get meaner, nastier, and find more reasons to blame you for their disease. It's just what they do.
Twenty-one years passes really quickly... I am now 47 and finally, finally, finally getting why I need Al-Anon and am working this program seriously. I have lost a great deal in these years including my self-seteem, financial stability, dignity, pride, confidence, etc. When you are so tied up in the their disease, life just passes by and you lose who you are, what you are, and your life's direction before you know it.
I hope is that my story will lead you to a path that includes Al-Anon. It works, it really does. Today I work my program with vigor to regain what I have lost. I learn about me and how to concentrate on my happiness, my needs, my wants and desires.
Hi JBee, I think you can see from these posts that there is hope and that there are options. Please attend some meetings, face to face if you can! and keep coming back here, too. hugs, J.
