The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Those of you who have followed my story/struggle/recovery the past 7 mths know where I came from and how miserably impossible it was for me to Detach...
It will be two weeks this Thursday and for me that is a miracle and a blessing! There has been absolutely NC. ESABF dropped my stuff off last week and still NO CONTACT from me, (the good codie didn't even feel the need to call and thank him).....I think I finally reached the point that everyone here told me would come if I would just let it, and it is AMAZING!! Each day that passes is another day further away from the Crazy Go Round that almost cost me my sanity.
I have also been helping a friend in our home group (who actually knows my EXABF) who is where I was......struggling, sad and can not detach. It feels good to be able to offer him some of my ESH, and I think it is helping us both. Everything I tell him reinforces it in my mind. I told him just last week that when the time is right, he'll know, and give him any and every bit of help I can offer on detachment.
Funny thing is if you would have told me 7-8mths ago, or a month ago that I would feel like this I'd have never believed you. I just KNEW there was never going to be any end to my pain and suffering and that the only light at the end of my tunnel was a train.
For those of you still struggling, focus on detachment. It is one of the,nope, probally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it has given me my life back in sooo many ways. I was once so sad, miserable and lonely that nothing or no one could soothe me. I'd listen to ESH from others, try it once and be done.......always running open arms back to the Crazy Go Round that my relationship with my EXABF had become, it was "there" and it was comforting in a sick way. Our breakup literally became a feeding frenzy for both he and I.....we would fight horribly, then back to emailing/taling, then horrible fighting, and games and what not........anything to keep it going........anything but let it go....
I walked away from him for the last time when he said some of the most cruel things to me, cruel but true the more I thought about them later.......He asked me in a not so nice way "where my dignity and pride had gone?" WOW what a slap in the face into reality??? Where had the independant, confident woman with self respect and dignity and pride gone?.....It was a blessing and in my final goodbye email to him I thanked him for it, and told him that I was sorry, that I simply could no longer stand another second of the insanity that had become a part of loving him......He made it so much easier for me to get here and walk away. At that point I had thought that maybe I needed to just committ myself because I felt I was insane, that this was insanity, and it was no doubt........HP brought me what I needed for my life had never been as unmanageable as it was that day and I had never been more powerless. I was a shell of the woman both he and I had once loved........sad but true. That day, almost two weeks ago was when I FINALLY hit my bottem, the only way to go from there was up:)
Today I feel ALIVE for the first time in months. I have been dating some, nothing serious, focusing on my recovering. I've even ended the dating process once because I felt I wasn't getting what I deserved!!!!! YEP that was me!:) I'm making new friends, and last weekend I laughed so hard I think I peed!LOL. The Summer I dreeded back in November has become filled with lots more firsts for me and I know I am blessed.
HP has guided me and at times when I couldnt stand or lift my feet to possibly take another step. He, two sponsors (yes two:) and my MIP family carried me along the way until I got where I am today, and if I can get here anyone can (most aren't nearly as hard headed as I am) I know that there is still a longgggg journey ahead of me,and I'm sure in order to appreciate the good times more and to learn what I need to, I will see struggles again.... but today I look forward to it and to each new day I am gifted with.
I wanted to share this with anyone and everyone struggling with detachment and letting go......Stay on it, Pray on it, You will survive it-I promise!!!! This program truly does work if you work it..... Love and blessings....... Shelly
-- Edited by shellyj123 on Tuesday 30th of June 2009 01:13:32 PM
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I certainly did struggle. I have to practice a lot. I am no longer living in a romantic relaitonship with an ex A or just left him nevertheless there are many people places and things I have to work very hard to detach from. I would say though unequivocally it is very much worth it to keep at it.
Good for you, boy I can identify with the phrase, the good codie, I have started to break that habit in all my relationships, quite amazing, how dispensible we are really, I used to believe I could not be done without in all my situations, not so, now I have more time for me, whom I quite like really
Thank you, thank you, thank you, shellyj123! I so needed to hear those words today. I am so trying to remain detached and let go! My recovering AABF of 7 years just left me 9 days ago after 6 months of recovery. DE-VES-TAT-ED! Last week I began to act like a stalker (YIKES!), texting him daily before I pulled myself together. Once I stopped, he called leading me to send a text the next day. All of our communication has been good but none the less, I do not want to be the one to make the contact!!!!!
I am staying busy on program work, meetings galore, posting and reading here but I occasional find myself wanting to send another text. Make it stop!!!!!
I love your words "where my dignity and pride had gone?" Wow! I do not want to lose that if I have not already. As a person who is very similar to me I think, what worked best for you when you wanted to pick up that phone to call or text him? What one book (if you have one) helped most with your co-dependency?
Your message came in the nick of time... I was thinking about picking up that phone!
What a great post. Detachment might be the hardest think a person ever has to do. But, when I think about it, it is not the actual detachment that is that is hard. It is the "process" we put ourselves through before we make the decision to detach that is so hard. We question our motives, we question if it is the right thing for us to do, we make excuses to ourselves, we justify putting the decision off. So if we really think about detaching, it is the "before", not the "after" that causes us grief. The "after" only brings us blessings, happiness and serenity.
As you stated everyone has to detach in their own time when they feel it is right for them. I also want you to know that I am happy and very proud of you, because you have added yourself to the long list of success stories this program has delivered.
wow ((( shelly ))) it sounds like u had a spiritual awakening &/or an epiphany here. It does happen in HP's time, not ours but anyway it comes, embrace it. I know that happened for me back last september during hurricane Ike, it was the catalyst or sequence of events that allowed me to stop working on other people or trying to influence them and to dive into working on self. I really, more so, turned away from others & I was all that was there but I wanted to get as far away from manipulating others as possible. My mind still can work manipulatively b/c I think about my audience & how to present to them, idk, weird. But spending energy on influencing others is out with me. I was in completel denial I was doing that at all - I mean, it came as a completel shock to me - the thought that I could influence others - I genuinely thought I wasnt doing that. jeeez.
What led me to detachment was following though on the boundaries that I had set, I got an enormous surge of self esteem from that... listening to self, ensuring my needs got met by following though on the consequences of boundaries.
You say you hit a bottom - I did too right before I began to discover what self love was... I had nothing left to lose, so it was up from there. Once I began to love the self, myself, I no longer was needing to look outside to other people to fill me up in any way. I got content, happy, satisfied right in my own skin, in a way I never felt before. When my mind would walk away & go off on other people, I would reel it back in - and not chastise myself for it but kindly let it go & get back to me - a simple refocus.
I had to forgive myself a lot along the way too - just for being human & getting hurt. Stay into today, work on yourself. Date "lightly" to see if u might want to get to know someone better & keep focused on you. One day you will look up and think, "what is with this guy" and u may be in a healthy friendship/relationship. hehe well, that's what happened to me ;)
Hang in there & focused on you, it gets better. hugs
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am so glad that you found some relief. For me it was a real concerted effort to detach for a long long time. I have had to like Marie Rua look at every single relationship I have.
