The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
to hold on. My AS drives a very old beat up truck his father and I gave him several years ago, I had a very little hope (but some hope) at that time that he would take a job, but that hope has faded with his continuing drug use.
The old truck is now dying, he called me yesterday in a fit saying he was going to run the truck off a cliff (he didn't put it into that nice of terms), he wanted me to bring him something to eat because he could not get his truck to start and come to my house to raid my pantry. I calmly told him I would pack up some food for him, and that his dad would bring it to him because I knew if I went he would pitch a screaming fit on me.
We live in a rural area that does not have programs to feed hungry people, and he cannot walk anywhere to get help. I feel so trapped, I am not to the point that I can let him go hungry, and there are times that I am afraid of him. But I did not tell him I would buy him a vehicle which that is what he wants.
He had a vehicle he could drive, yet did not look for a job. The natural consequence is he did not get a job, so he did not have the money to keep it up, and be able to take care of himself.
I have a '78 Chevy Shortbed. It always starts, feels like a caddy,everything works except the gas gauge. For a long time it was all I had.
So he learned when he does not have a job, he does not eat and his truck falls apart. You said he had it for "years." So how did he eat if he did not get a job? How did he afford drugs? I am sure no one gave them to him.
I am confused.
So what will he learn if you enable him with food, he could sell for drugs? Remember doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is "insanity."
Please don't think I am being harsh. I have been in your shoes. My son walked out with a backpack.
It was HARD. He figured it allllll out. I gave him the gift every parent needs to give their kids, "faith that they can take care of themselves." I believed he could feed himself and get all his needs.
And he did and does and I am so PROUD of him! His friends moms did the same thing. They are all friends still, raising kids, great wives, own homes, good jobs.
What are we saying when we give them food, buy them vehicles, pay their bills?
Especially an addict HAS to learn young to keep it together so they can survive. I promise they will not get anywhere ever until we STOP doing things they can do for themselves!
The Federal Government has food available in ALL states. They have churches, and other orgs to pass it out. He can call churches to find out who does. Also if he is not working, he can get a food credit card.
Like Yoda said, don't try-do! I would say DO allow him the dignity to figure it out for himself. I know I remember when I realized I did it myself, I was soooo jazzed!
I worked since I was 12 picking strawberries, all kinds of work. I was so proud. Work ethic does not come from us giving them everything.
It is hard as we want to nurture. We have to stop think of our feelings and give them their own lives.
Another thing, I stopped that talking to me like that immediately! How dare he talk to you like that! And how does he afford a phone anyway? That is NOT a need.
I told both my kids to respect me, to use proper language when talking to me or do not talk to me!
He takes from you, and treats you like this??
We teach others, and I mean everyone how we expect to be talked to and treated. It does our kids no favors to act like this towards us.
I am so glad you are here. Support from others was so important to me!
love,debilyn
-- Edited by debilyn on Monday 29th of June 2009 09:41:22 PM
I've worked with (counseled) alcoholics and addicts that us to surprise themselves and their families on how they could always get their fix money, job, vehicle, food or whatever. Might he not be feeling enough pain and anger to make it stop for himself yet? "He is responsible."
Painful I know as I did the same things with my A/A. What I came to realize is that he would spend his money drinking and drugging and then come to me for his basic necessities like food and a roof over his head.
It was only when he was on his last leg, no food, no money, no roof, no car, no friends left that he chose to go into detox and then a recovery program. I can't help but wonder if he would have hit his bottom much sooner had I not been there to enable him.
Mine too would throw fits if he did not get his way but with time and the help of my program, I was able to hold my ground in a safe way that did not provoke. His fits were mere manipulation to frighten me into doing what he wanted me to do.
If I can add any ESH form my years in Al-Anon and on this board, it would be that the best thing we can do for the alcololic in our life, is to allow them to make their own mistakes and suffer their own consciences without any interfrence from us. Plain and simple, as hard as it might be at the time.
A member of this board, Barbara, from Mo. had an article on detachment "with love" published in Forum Magazine in July. She stated in the article that another woman she knew who had heard countless numbers of AA members speak and tell their stories over the years, never once heard one of them say "I was saved by my momma". Barbara also stated that she closed the "Bank Of Mom", and that the absolute best thing you can ever do for your A is absolutely nothing. That might be hard to accept, but so true.
I was taught by my father to help anyone who was willing to help themselves. The key word in the saying is "willing". If someone is "able", but not "willing", do they deserve help?
We don't need to put ourselves in a position to feel obligated or responsible for their mistakes and poor choices. They have to be accountable. They have to find their own way. Live their own life. That is the best thing we can do for them. It is no different than a person learning to fish to feed himself vs. expecting someone to give him a fish to eat everyday. Think about it, they are very able, just not willing.
I will mention one more thing from my time in the program. I have never known of one single instance where continuing to help and enable has helped the alocholic. That includes members on this board, shares of members of the two groups I attend each week, and anything I have read on the subject. Yet, not once have I heard or read where detaching "With Love" did not help the Alcoholic. In many cases it required 100% detachment, and turning the A over to your HP. But, it always improved in time, every time, and in HP's time, not ours.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Good Luck, And HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 30th of June 2009 02:04:51 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 30th of June 2009 02:26:16 PM
