The Biggest Liar was my own Addiction

We have lived with dishonesty- in others and in ourselves. Many of us had to learn to cope with the ovcious lies accompanying our parents' dysfunction or the enabling of that dysfunction. One of the ways we coped was to convince ourselves that our perceptions were false. A Low self-image and our own eventual dishonesty caused us pain, and some of us found momentary relief in addictions or other compulsive behaviors.

But addictions also lie. All of them- No matter to what substance or behavior- speak to us softly and suductively "Try Me, I will take away the disappointment, the loneliness, the rejection, the pain. I will heal you" The Lie, Of course, is that addictions help anything because even after a binge, the pain is there, And it is often worse.

Switching addictions is no good either. Switching to work, sex. food, money, religion is not a way out. Freedom from all addictions is found in truth. And the truth is we need to Face Our Realities Without Addictions.

Today, I will examine my life for switched addictions. I will ask my HP to help me stay on Course.

Reading above from :Days of Healing: By Earnie  Larsen & Carol Larsen Hegarty

OK...I needed this today, for I have been this person more then not... Since I can remember I have always been "Addicted" to Something Weather it be Material, or Personal...

When I gave up Drinking out in the bars I had to pass the time and find something else to do with my time, I became a "Gardener" and I don't mean I planted a couple Posey's and went on with life I mean, "Everyday of my life, I had to BE IN The garden, I had to pull weeds, cut back the dead flowers, couldn't walk past them with out touching, feeling or smelling them... (Now I could give on Rat's Butt about them)

Next came my Cigarettes, I had started when I was 11 years old...I wasn't a Change Smoker, but you put me in a bar, with a drink and I could light one off another, at home, I may have 10, out more like 40... So on Mar. 2000 I desided... I'm DONE With that, My boy was get'n allergy's, colds, brocihtis, so I sat down, wrote a Letter to my Deseased Grandma, and ask her to use her strength to see me thru... So the VERY NEXT day, I became this "Crossstitch Queen", I could Cross stitch weather I was in the car, watch'n a movie, moments off at work, go visit someone... I did it ALL The time, Every member of my family became part of it, for they ALL have a sample of Hours upon Hours of Cross stitch'n... (Havent done one In Years Now)

After I had Quit Smoking I thought that if I "Spent" the money I spent on Smokes on something of inerest I would then feel like i was getting something out of it... So I started Collecting Indian Figurenes... So many that my Husband had to build me shelves to the ceiling of our Great room that has 18 foot ceilings... SOOO I desided..Thats it, done with spending on something I have to "Dust All the time", so I boxed them up, Then it went to Sewing, and Scrapbooking... Every Spare minute was spent doing One or the Other without fail... HAD to DO SOMETHING....( Do still enjoy these too, but don't ever Warrant myself the time to do them)

Since Recovery has started... I am at it again... Once I STOPPED And admitted that my life has become unmanagable and "I Am Powerless"... I started feeling good about my recovery, but started feeling like I was "Droppin" an Old habit... So now, I am back a struggling with my Weight... When I found out 2-1/2 years ago that I was "border line Diabetic" well I flipped.(it is All around my family tree, Very Bad).. So I Turned it ALL around lost 25 lbs, started feelin good about myself FINALLY, and I thought once I found recovery that would Boost... But instead, I start Eating again, and filling the void with Food, I Have only regained 10, but of course it feels like 30, I hurt all over, my knee's and shoulders, and I know it is that Weight..I have tried MANY Kinds of exercise and to be "HONEST" I Hate In Home/In Gym Exercising... I am an outdoor girl, but till I get off work on Mon-Thurs, make supper, clean up, Not only am I Exhausted, It is dark. And Fri-Sun, I am Keeping up with Camp...I just don't get why... I can't just be UNaddicted to something... Then I read this... Freedom from all addictions is found in truth. And the truth is we need to Face Our Realities Without Addictions.

Truth is... How do I know I have done the work "Well Enough" to Stop the Addictions??? Apparently I have a LONG Way to Go... :( Sorry so long....Any ESH Is good ESH...

Love & Prayers
Jozie