The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For some years now I have this friend who over and over and over again tells me that the one thing holding me back is the fact that I hold on to my married name.
She goes as far as to tell me that all the powers on earth are working against me in that name. She tells me that until I relinquish this name I will always be under attack.
I took this name when I was married. I, and this is only my opinion, do not believe in divorce - however that is were I am at. DIVORCED!
However, as I see it that is a civil "man-made" state for the purpose of releasing someone from a contract as they see it. My contract was a VOW - for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. And I uttered those words having pondered their FULL meaning and that was before the GOD of my understanding.
As I see it, I may now have a piece of paper that has legally, for society's benefit and secular provision ended that marriage BUT (and I use BUT on this occasion very precisely as but over-rules what goes before it) that paper did revoke my VOWS before my God, as taken in those words above.
My friend tells me that I am clinging on to my marriage, my A husband and a "bad" life by not relinquishing my name and reverting back to my birth-family name. And, although I have always tried to explain that as the mother of my children, the children of my husband and one who married until death do us part, I cannot in good conscience relinquish that name - my divorce releases me as that wife.
If I am no longer that wife as society sees me then, my friend insists I am no longer that mother either as society sees me.
My response is, I am the mother of my children and whatever NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT, so it seems logically to me that I cannot change my name either as I would be denying my children's motherthood. These children were sired between man and wife and as such this is the mother I am...wife of the man I married and whose name I took.
This is becoming a problem for me, only because this person will not let go or accept my reasoning.
I have no problem with others if they wish to change their name when their marriage ends and divorce takes place. I have no problem with their decision to divorce...as far as I am concerned each to their own and let each respect the decisions one makes.
So, family. Thank you for letting me get this out of my head and vent my sadness that this persons seems unable to let things rest and accept my position here.
However, I would welcome your thoughts, and opinions here for I am always one to be open to other opinions and logic. And if, by your shares, I find that I am being illogical or unreasonable in my logic then fire away and educate me.
It is a problem as it stands that I need to put to bed, and whilst this friend persists in her quest to get me to change my name and I persist in standing firm against this, for she is adamant that nothing will change and all my troubles, ill health, persecution (as she sees it) stems from my persistant stance to keep my married name.
Right this moment I do not know how to move forward here or how to answer her and tho I have asked her to drop the subject numerously it would appear that she is on a crusade here!
Am I just being stubborn and unreasonable? What do you think?
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I am gonna be reaaallll judgmental here and say, sounds like your friend could use al-anon!
Your reasons for keeping your married name are your own and do not have to be justified to anyone but yourself.
I am sure your friend means well and believes what she says, but those are her beliefs.
My mom has some beliefs that she tries to get my adherence with. When she starts down that road, I just tell her with as much gentleness as I can muster, thank you for your concern, I will take that under consideration. Or something like that. Then I simply do not further participate in that conversation. The topic will change if I don't engage in it.
Dear Suzannah, My daughter's husband divorced her a few years ago and she had an ONLINE friend she had never even seen who took it as her mission in life to get my daughter to take back her maiden name. Never mind that she is a professional and her career was under her married name. She thought about it, briefly. Decided it would give her children pain to have their mother called by a different name, and dropped it. I am just cantankerous enough to drop the friend. No friend, no problem You are probably a kinder, gentler person than I, and I am certainly not trying to tell you what to do. I become impatient with people who beat up on people who have been married to or still are married to alcoholics for anything, actually. Don't beat up on Alanons. Gently nudge someone toward the program, if they aren't in it. For an outsider to nag you and make you unhappy or even uncomfortable just seems wrong, to me. Hey, if taking back one's maiden name will fix everything that is wrong, including health issues, I will ask husband, who does not drink and can drive me crazy anyway, if I can take back my maiden name. It was prettier, anyway. Grin inserted here. My Mother used to read me a piece that ended with, "they do not pay your rent." In other words, friend is not living your life, is not in your head, is not qualified, IMO to tell you what you must do. And she may very well mean well. But is she helping you by making you uncomfortable? About something you are not going to change? Insert Serenity Prayer. All Best, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I agree with David, it is not her business and it is up to you after all it is your life.
I totally understand wanting to have the same name as you kids, my husband is gone and I still have his last name, same as my kids...we all have the same name in this household......
Try and ignore her seems like she is the one with the problem.
Wow, I can't even fathom why this is such an issue with your friend. It appears it is boundary time, no matter what her issue is. A name doesn't "cause" anything, it's a noun. I totally understand keeping your married name. I would not want a different name then my children or insinuate to them that their name was somehow bad, wrong or hated. Let alone all the legal document changes. If you absolutely hated the name everytime you wrote it or said it, I would understand that too. It doesn't appear your friend is willing to relinquish her insistance. If it were me I'd say, "Our friendshipis important to me but we keep going around this same mountain, getting nowhere (definition of insanity). I am going to end this discussion and move on before there is permanent damage to our relationship." Beyond that... it'd seem your choices come down to refusing to participate in the discussion, say what David does or end the friendship. Whatever the choice is seems best to make and state your boundary and stick to it.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My Mother used to read me a piece that ended with, "they do not pay your rent." In other words, friend is not living your life, is not in your head, is not qualified, IMO to tell you what you must do. And she may very well mean well. But is she helping you by making you uncomfortable? About something you are not going to change? Insert Serenity Prayer. All Best, Temple
####### I agree w/Temple on this one......if SHE has a problem w/your name, tell her to call you by your first name and leave the rest
i think your pal needs al-anon to distract her off you and onto her OWN stuff......and yea, your kids and you have the same name...sounds normal to me.....you have a right to keep/disolve your name as you see fit............and yea, i would set a boundary on her to the effedt that "hey i am not chaning my name and i will not discuss it any more...lets talk about other stuff or i am hanging up"....that is what i do when someone "yammers" on about something i have already closed the door on......just my take, use what works...dump the rest......
hehe.... I smiled ear-to-ear when I saw this line from Rosie's post - touche....
Yep, I'm with the others - why this would be an issue with your friend is HER issue and definitely not yours.... this one would best be categorized under the heading of: "what you think of me is none of my business".......
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi Suzannah, I feel and relate to you very much. I married my AH after a very deep and strong love storyyy...I do not have children which is something that I thank god for as my life would have been much more difficult but you know what I am still in love with the same man...i still wear our wedding ring a lot of the time...i still speak to him and ask about him but i learned to forgive him...and almost forgot everything he had done to me...we are now friends...we live in two separate countries...we ask about each other every now and then and he still recovers from his problem but i learned to protect myself and to do what makes me happy...i like you have friends who tell me to let go of the past and to take off that ring i am wearing but that ring is not about me and him ever going back to each other it s about all the good and bad times and the life experience we ve been through which no one on the face of the earth would ever understand unless they had lived it...if you feel you dont wanna change your name cause it carries with it lots of meanings for your children then let it be...and do that...no one should live your life for you...and one of my fellows told me once i should never base my decisions on other people's actions and what they say and i live by that in my life and only take what is good for me and leave the rest...its time to set boundaries and not to let anyone exert control on your life and thoughts...you are a free and independant woman who s been through a lot and who can surely decide what is best for her...the name you carry with all its meaning is your personal life that no one should interfere in::)))be strong...
