The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
STEP 3---Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him
Self parenting step 3---Learn to let go of the compulsive self reliance by reaching out to our Higher Parent as we understand it
########Rosie's take
"compulsive self reliance" was my biggest curse...being my own "little god" was killing me..driving me nuts...and i was in over my head and still would not get off of self reliance....utter dependence on my HP and INTERdependence is what i needed to to, but in the beginning with my trust issues, it was not possible...i had to be in control otherwise i felt like i was doomed.
it went back to begging God to "get him off me" and unanswered prayers...or WERE they unanswered??? I know HP cannot/ willnot interfer in our boundaries OR take away our choices even if they are the most evil and even tho children are harmed, and killed....look at the holocaust...i could relate to those "hollow eyed" little creatures who looked like "walking death" in their spirits...their souls....NO hope...Nothing but despair.....a lot of them were eager for the gas chambers that awaited them....they couldn't bear any more pain.....at 10 i tried my first suicide attempt, hanging myself on my mother's flower trellis....the maid found me and cut me down and resusitated me back to life....i was angry...i wanted out.......
my will never worked...not hardly...not w/out a lot of blood sweat and tears, and so most of my "victories" were just not worth the "pound of flesh" i had to give to get that "victory".....
the pain got so bad i finally, upon planning my last suicide attempt, drug myself , sick, into recovery....it was on a "bet" from another acoa who said "rose if this 12 steps does not work for you, i will not try to stop you again from suicide".....we agreed to give it 30 days........i read the literature and the thing that stood out was the STEPS....i didn't have to believe in God, the conventional way, just a power greater than myself AS I UNDERSTOOD HIM.............to me?? the male gender God was OUT!!! so the program was my HP....the interdependence with my recovery mates was my HP.....i stuck w/that for the first 5 years of my 5-1/2 years of recovery....i noticed all along there was this "hole" that nothing really could fill up...humans , SAFE humans did a good job, but even they , as human and fallable, would from time to time let me down....there was never this ever lasting "filled and fulfilled" feeling that others had that i had wanted.....
i questioned it....what was it??? who was it??? certainly my will was not working....i got battered time and time again, fighting myself and satan and i usually lost, OR gave so much in the victory, i was too exhausted to really benefit
i was fighting life and losing again....so was suicide really the only option???? this is what i felt until one day, about a year ago...not 6 months but a year, i just layed down and cried...and said "God if your real, now is the time b/c i do not want to be here...i cannot do this anymore.....life is beating me down and the darkness is too.....please show yourself to me b/c i cannot trust/believe in you w/out a lot of help"
i began to just give up...let go the fight....if things fell apart??? screw it!!! i was too tired and worn out and defeated to care.........then i began to notice small miracles at first....then larger ones....i really came to belive that "something or someone" WAS in the background, waiting for me to just LET GO and REACH OUT and so i did
things began to "ease up" on me....i would start fighting and then i would become aware and STOP.....GIVE it over........and problem would either go away, or i would receive help in most unexpected places......so i knew....i knew there had to be something beautiful that not only MADE me in love, but is there to LOVE me and to at least GUIDE me .......there had to be a "master plan" for me........so i decided to surrender to it
surrendering is NOT giving my life up...it is , to me, doing what i can for me, pursuing my dreams/goals/desires of my heart, doing all the things that i am capable of, making choices is mine and mine alone, but to KNOW when to *step aside* when stuff begins to overwhelm me, to *step aside* and to give it OVER....
there are forces of the darkness..inside of me (shadow side) and OUTside of me who want to see me fail...they attack....if i fight them in their own arena, i lose.......if i do my best and turn over the rest.....then the forces within/without me are *forced* to deal with the power most high.....
it is like i have , when i surrender, my burdens....YES carry my "load" or my "knapsack", but to give OVER the burdens that can crush me
by doing this i have "turned the tables" on the forces that used to win over me time and time again, b/c NOW they are forced to fight the power most high for license to torment me...........its like getting even w/those who have enjoyed tormenting me for decades....
You are a true source of inspiration, over and over. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being here and telling us how it was and how it can be. I am so glad you didn't die. For you and for me.
I am having so much fun working through my "workbook" that you told me about, and I am so grateful. I for sure could not do that on my own. I had to have questions before me, and I write and write and it is wonderful.
Love, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Rosie for me surrendering was, OK I will do what I can, not stress, not worry, do the footsteps or in other words, do the task and hp will bring whatever result.
For instance, I got my info together,filled out the app. and sent off for one of those federal home mod thingys.
I am not even thinking about it, or hoping. I have no control over that. I did my part.
Or I could not pay my total bills on the internet or satellite. So I sent more then three quarters of them, and will go from there.
I can only do what I can do.
The past stuff I have, for some reason, healed a whole bunch this last year. I think it was the greatest hurt of my AH cheating on me that did it. How else can he hurt me?
And that actually does not matter to me at all now as I love him. I don't care about what has happened since he lost his mind and heart to drugs. It means nothing. MY Ah is in there, I know it. I know all of what he gave was true, solid and real.
I have no doubt that he loves me, none. Life can be so horrible on us and this guy has been thru it all. IF I had not been there since he was 17 taking e out to see his house, showing me one that was not his as he was so embarrassed of his I might feel different.
But all the horrible stuff of my passed thank goodness, is in a place now that I don't have to go anymore.
I concentrate on now,enjoy now. At the same time things may come up but they quickly go away.
I really want to focus on the now as best as I can. Not allow the bad stuff get bigger than my good stuff.
