The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all, THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to follow my little soap opera on this message board and share some of your wisdom with me.
So much is happening and it's happening so fast the I have only been able (emotionally and time wise) to post the most critical information for what's happening at that very moment. From my last post OC made a good comment about getting legal advice. This is a good time fo rme to fill y'all in on more details....
As we all know, alcoholics can be very charming and smart. They certainly wouldn't have succeeded in their disease if they weren't. My ex-Abf is charming, smart AND a good business man. After his first marriage of 22 years and getting sued in divorce court for a lot of money, he talked me into signing a "domestic relations agreement", kin to a pre-nuptual agreement if you aren't married. So in 1998 after having worked for him for 4 years I signed the agreement that basically excludes me from anything, before, during or after our relationship. After all, I didn't want his money, I was in love with him. Up until a few weeks ago I have listened to a lot of people tell me to seek legal advice about the financial situation between us, but haven't really paid much more attention to it. After all, I kind of have other things on my mind right now, like basic survival. But, I knew that I'd come back to it sometime down the road.
In addition to potentially being able to throw out the 'pre-nup", there's a little matter that The Bureau of Labor and Industries may want to investigate. You see, as far back as 1995 when he converted his detached garage into an apartment for me to live in, I've been paying rent to him. So as an employee he would pay my wages, all above board with taxes and all, then I would pay him rent out of my check from him. I don't know the total legalities but that just may not be totally above board in the eyes of some legal entities. In addition, when we moved out to the country my rent went from $550 a month to $850 a month and his corporation owns that property. For clarity, this rental income WAS reported to the IRS as rental income, but he was living there too and taking all the utilities as write-offs, etc.
I don't know the legalities of the majority of this stuff, but just to let y'all know, I have not ruled out my option to seek legal advice and if I remember correctly, The Bureau of Labor and Industries will represent me free of charge. Also, I have been the corporate bookkeeper for the past 10 years and have the financial records in my possession.
MOST IMPORTANTLY. I do not want to hurt him or take anything that I haven't earned. As of right now he's content to keep about 90% of the income and assets we accumulated together, that I worked very hard for and put into the "team" retirement for our retirement together. Whether we retire together or not I believe that I'm still entitled to my share of what I worked for.
Again, thank you all for your comments, loving me and sharing your ES&H with me. I check this message board several times a day now that I've found it. I look for your comments but I look for other messages that I can respond to and maybe be able to reach out to somebody and offer just a small glimmer of hope or ray of sunshine. Have a good day and thanks for caring.
Redfred
__________________
You can't move forward while you're looking backward
This is why it is my personal opinion that living together without a legal contract (marriage) is NOT a good idea.
Usually it is the idea of the person with most of the assets in order to exclude a person they wish to exploit. Usually the person being explooited is young, honest, and innocent, just feeling "love" and not thinking of the future. Ther person trying to protect their assets, both present and future, and keep it all to themselves is usually older and know exactly what they are doing and how they are exploiting the other person.
This is NOT love on the part of the person doint the exploiting...
Anyway, the marriage contract was created by the state to protect people from being exploited and used. Usually it is women, but it can be men also. I suggest people take advantage of this protection and not enter into long term relationships without it.
Redfred, I sincerly hope you FIGHT HARD for everything coming to you!!! It seems his first wife got what was fair, thanks to her legal contract from the state (marriage certificate) and so he tried to exploit you and keep that from happening again. You, being young and innocent probably, didn't realize his purposes in having you sign those papers. You have worked side by side with him all of these years and you deserve HALF of everything you have accumulated WHILE BEING TOGETHER (not before you moved in).
We alanoners seem to often get ourselves into these situations with our A's, they are master manipulators and e xploiters. We have to beware...
This isn't about morality, this is about protecting our financial assets and not letting ourselves be taken advantage of.
Redfred, I support you all of the way getting legal representation and getting what is owed to you!!!
This is why it is my personal opinion that living together without a legal contract (marriage) is NOT a good idea.
Usually it is the idea of the person with most of the assets in order to exclude a person they wish to exploit. Usually the person being explooited is young, honest, and innocent, just feeling "love" and not thinking of the future. Ther person trying to protect their assets, both present and future, and keep it all to themselves is usually older and know exactly what they are doing and how they are exploiting the other person.
This is NOT love on the part of the person doint the exploiting...
Anyway, the marriage contract was created by the state to protect people from being exploited and used. Usually it is women, but it can be men also. I suggest people take advantage of this protection and not enter into long term relationships without it.
Redfred, I sincerly hope you FIGHT HARD for everything coming to you!!! It seems his first wife got what was fair, thanks to her legal contract from the state (marriage certificate) and so he tried to exploit you and keep that from happening again. You, being young and innocent probably, didn't realize his purposes in having you sign those papers. You have worked side by side with him all of these years and you deserve HALF of everything you have accumulated WHILE BEING TOGETHER (not before you moved in).
We alanoners seem to often get ourselves into these situations with our A's, they are master manipulators and e xploiters. We have to beware...
This isn't about morality, this is about protecting our financial assets and not letting ourselves be taken advantage of.
Redfred, I support you all of the way getting legal representation and getting what is owed to you!!!
Much Love, Blythe
Thank you Blythe for your input. I appreciate it. This is probably why he would never marry me...the exploitation thing you were talking about. I wanted to get married a long time ago, but he wouldn't hear of it. Now is know why. This is just the beginning of me starting to take action...talking about it and getting input from others.
Anyway, thank you again for your input and support.
Redfred
__________________
You can't move forward while you're looking backward
I'm so glad that your getting legal advice redfred. I do remember now that you talked about the "domestic relations agreement" and him getting you to sign it. Do allow The Bureau of Labor and Industries to do as much for you as they can. Maybe you can come out of this thing with some retirement benefits after all!
Love and prayers to you, Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
All I would say is my experience with the Department of Labor was that it took a long long long time. Please bear that in mind when you are making plans.
I'm so glad that your getting legal advice redfred. I do remember now that you talked about the "domestic relations agreement" and him getting you to sign it. Do allow The Bureau of Labor and Industries to do as much for you as they can. Maybe you can come out of this thing with some retirement benefits after all!
Love and prayers to you, Overcome
yea, i think the irs would like to hear about his "writing off" utilities in a home, if there is no home based business AT THE HOME....also, i agree.....i would be getting legal advice REAL fast.....he used you, exploited you, knew what he was doing and there should be recompense for YOUR efforts......i agree w/ all the other posters here....
