The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not sure if anyone can relate to what I've been feeling for the past few days but, I have this sense of anxiety at times about 'working the program' right. I often wonder if my sponsor choice was right - I am being guided in a wonderful way. Am I working the steps the way I should? Am I in denial about something? Am I being honest with myself?
Now that I've returned to the program after my "Relapse" I am beginning to FEEL again, the things that I intellectually know, but don't seem to GET emotionally. I know the concepts but, feeling it WITHIN me, at my core - is what I keep praying will happen. Detachment, focusing on me, letting other's own their own stuff, MYOB, letting go, powerlessness, acceptance, willingness -- and on and on...
Today, I am able to say that if I am looking to another person to change in order to make my life easier or better, I am playing into my disease and I am in denial about what will ease my pain and change the way I feel. I am the answer to my problems, period. Looking to someone else to change in order to make me happy or more comfortable with a given situation is an alarm to keep the focus on me. I know these things and am becoming more and more aware of how I must ' let it begin with me.' Detaching is hard and I keep wondering whether I'm practicing these principles correctly.
I think it is my disease that second guessing and then mulls over every decision I make, to determine whether it's the right one. Who knew you could be obsessive about recovery? Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?
With me, I have a lot of freefloating anxiety, and sometimes it comes down in the darndest places. Then I can get like the fixated dog that one of the sages on here related about.
If it is of any help from a newbie, it sounds to me as if you are doing great. I don't think you can mess it up, really, if your heart is in the right place and you are willing to change.
Remember to be gentle with yourself, to love yourself.
Think about where you were and where you are now. Feel better?
Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
It gets easier to think like an Alanoner as you walk the walk, but my old way of thinking is always present somewhere. I will forever question my thoughts and actions, but I think that's the point. To always make sure you are doing what you feel is best, thinking in the best manner and responding instead of reacting. I have changed my thought pattern over the years. I react differently then I used to, if at all. I always ask myself what is best for me? What is healthiest? I think about the boundaries I set for myself. I try to think before I speak. If it all came naturally none of us would be here
Is my first gut reaction always a Alanon reaction..? Bahahaha!!! I would give that a big "heck no!!" I'd call anyone here out if they said differently. Every one of us has to check ourselves now and then. If I don't think or question myself, just like an alcoholic, my old ways are there waiting to take over again.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
SEE THAT BUTTERFLY ON YOUR LEFT HAND - 'TIS A SYMBOL OF NEW LIFE.
And like a baby you learn by example, those who are prepared to teach and sometimes from making mistakes.
This baby learns about making mistakes from an early state and it takes time for it to become the confident mature youth even before it gets to adulthood, [hmmm, well that some do].
Well, think of yourself as this willing inquisitive babe learning by exploration and trial and error. You are making progress even when you find yourself checking yourself. That is how you find out what is best for you and what your motives are behind your thinking, feeling, actions and response.
So it's okay if you check yourself, wonder, pause, reason and look for erroneous ways. This is working through the 'old habits die hard bit' so that you move on more fully to the new habits that bring health and wisdom and confidence.
You are doing fine rc. Really.
I still catch myself at times thinking, ?is this really my healthy option, my confident and wise decision, thought, reaction, response, way to go or does this really belong to the old order?
In fact, I think that that caution actually helps me reinforce my healthier option and ensures that I really am keeping to the new me.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
