The material presented
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I'm brand new to all of this and trying the absorp alot of these concepts. Obviously understanding will take time.
My concern is, this weekend there are several events that will happen that will continue to stress the relationship between myself and my husband. I tried to talk to my husband about his drinking last night. My intention was to voice my concerns and I very conciously tried to avoid anything that would be an attack on him. But things never go perfectly . So currently there is a fair amount of tension between us.
Coming up over the next few days will be a few events (a birthday, another party) where I know I am going to be bothered by his drinking again. And I am still trying to work through my anger about all of this as I have just begun to realize the extent of the problem.
I don't want to fight with him anymore. But I haven't quite set in my mind how I should react. Since I am just beginning to learn about concepts like detachment, I don't know that I'm comfortable applying them. I'm not sure how I should react when something happens now. Should I just do nothing for the time being until I become more comfortable with some of these concepts.
Does anyone else have experience to share about how they changed the way they interacted with their A? Is it a change that comes slowly? Or do you suddenly start doing it?
I'm bound to continue to make mistakes in the way that I attempt to relate to him about this issue. Do I address those misteps (apologize for attacking him or putting him down about his drinking) or ignore it and move on?
Should I make clear to him what I am doing before I start applying detachment or is that detrimental (he might accuse me of manipulating him)?
I don't know enough about detachment myself, as I haven't been doing it long myself. I just know for me, I never attack my husband period. LOL...I try not to...sometimes I feel the "crazies" come up and usually, it's because there is a situation that isn't going the way "I want it" to go. Sometimes, I don't recognize it until it's already passed. I don't think attacking him will do you or him any good.
I don't think putting anyone down does anyone any good either. We are all filled with thoughts daily, but if I said everything that came to my head I'd have a serious "blurter's syndrome"
This program has made me really step back and think before I respond to a situation. I by no means am perfect, but have found so much more peace doing this than reacting first and thinking after...
It takes hard consious work to focus on me and my happiness. It's almost damn impossible NOT to feel anger at my husband at points too, but my point is, I keep it under control now and process it. My focussing on me has helped "us" - we're certainly not perfect and who knows what the future brings, but TODAY we're good.
Aloha Eve...before I learned detachment I had to learn powerlessness; the reality and the practice of it. That led to letting go of control and then to detachment. The frist step leads in with "We admitted we were powerless over alcoholism..." The second part of step one is, "...and that our lives have become unmanageable." One of the signs of unmanageablity for me was the anger I had from being out of control of what I perceived as my situation. I had to adjust it to "our" situation and then further down to "my situation"; "his situation". Little bites...little steps. Detachment came in three steps for me....with anger and then disinterest and finally with the help of the program, with love.
First it was getting use to the idea and the practice that I was powerless. I stopped trying to control the situation and the outcomes of her drinking and I stopped me from looking for them out of habit. It was hard at first and then I realized that I had never asked her if she needed help and wanted mine when her life seemed to be faltering. Often times she was okay with how things were going for her, I was the one that was judging and projecting with little awareness and experience that I was dealing with alcoholism. I came to admit in Al-Anon that I really didn't know anything about alcoholism...didn't know that was what we were struggling with and didn't even know that I didn't know. Dumb as a stick.
So you're new. What I have seen work best for me and others is this. If you are not already attending face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings, pick up the telephone book and looking the white pages for the Al-Anon hotline phone number. Call it and listen either for a real voice or recording of the meeting places and times in your area. The program is world wide. Get as quickly as you can to a meeting closest to you and sit down and listen to the sharing that comes from those who are experiencing change. Get and read as much literature as you can and learn the 12steps and traditions and the slogans we use on a daily basis. These are part of our "Al-Anon tools". Then keep coming back for 90 days only one day at a time. Don't project into the future, stay in today and of course keep coming back here. These is some very serious successful program members here and taking their suggestions can save your mind and life.
I wish you the best, I am new here as well. I don't fully understand the whole process either, but am working on what feels right at the moment and taking one day at a time. For me, detachment means letting go of thinking of my AH first before I do anything. I now think of ME AND MY GIRLS first. I don't do this in a hateful manner, and I am not overly loving either though. I am not ready for that yet. I am still bitter, which I am trying to work on. I understand the tension part of what you are saying. I used to have alot of tension in my marriage whenever I would bring up his drinking- of course he would always find a way of turning things around. Now, I no longer will talk to him about his drinking, he chooses that not me. I have figured out, for me, it's best if I don't tell him my plans of detachment, he's sick and would not be able to fathom that idea. I feel that if I am not hateful to him, or blaming him, he'll have no reason to feel accused of anything. This is why detaching without any feelings is best for me, ;I just go about my day and night now for me, not him. I can tell he is seeing the difference in me, because of small changes he is making and it's only been a few days. What helped me alot so far is to click on search and look up things like detachment, bitterness, etc. I could honestly read them all night long.
#1. I can't talk to the disease about the disease. The disease don't like it no matter how delicately, lovingly, compassionately I try to put it. So I do my absolute best not to mention one little peep to my AH about his drinking. And if at any time HE brings his drinking up with ME, I take a very neutral ground and tell him in crystal-clear terms that I am NOT going to tell him what he should or should not do about his drinking. That's for him and him alone to decide.
#2. A change in my attitude takes time... lots and lots and lots of time. Although I know for sure there is no time-span in which I can expect 100% improvement (in my opinion, 100% improvement would make me God, lol)... but to try to put it into a somewhat realistic perspective for me, I'll sometimes tell myself... "Well, I grew up with these behaviors of mine and acted on these behaviors of mine for 30 years. So... it might just take another 30 to finally get better."
#3. I've been learning my HP gives me INFINITE chances to "do it differently". The nice thing with most of my life's experiences is it isn't "Game over, you lose!" if I screw up. My HP will give me another chance to try it differently the next time around.
#4. The best advice I ever received when I first started this program: "Get to as many face-to-face meetings as you can in the next week. Find a sponsor and start working the steps. Your life depends on it."
"I don't want to fight with him anymore. But I haven't quite set in my mind how I should react. Since I am just beginning to learn about concepts like detachment, I don't know that I'm comfortable applying them. I'm not sure how I should react when something happens now. Should I just do nothing for the time being until I become more comfortable with some of these concepts."
I have been here 6 months so still learning lots. But I do know that it takes 2 to fight. You do not have to accept his invitation. Just politely say Im not going to talk about this, Im not goign to argue with you about this, can we talk about this later.....
Alcoholics act and we react. For me I had to stop reacting. It's not easy and I am still working on it one day at a time.
At first I wasn't comfortable applying detachment and the other tools I have learned. But one day I decided I was going to. I remember it clearly. He started an arguement with me; of course so he could leave and do whatever. Usually I would call him ask where he was going and what not...I didn't call him at all. I came into the chatroom here just to keep me busy so I wouldn't. He got home an hour later with diapers from the store...I didn't say anything, didn't ask him where he went. He came up to me and said I will be upstairs at the neighbors drinking if you need anything. He would never say anything like that before so I knew I was doing good. It was working and yes he was noticing.
So if I would have sat and called or worried about him while he was gone I would have been angry, mad, frustrated even more. And in the end I felt REALLY good. He came back home completely drunk asking me what was for dinner. I had ordered food and he refused to tell me what he wanted. he said I shoudl know what he likes. So I ordered him a burger, well he wasn't happy with it. So I politely said, well i asked you what you wanted and you had no suggestions. I walked away took a shower and then went to bed. It could have easily been an arguement all night long. And over what? His disease.
So just one day at a time work on it. Progress not perfection. I am still learning much each day.
Edited to add:
One thing my sponsor told me often was when you don't know what to do; do nothing at all. Take time to think and ask yourself what is your motive for doing or saying this or that and then go from there.
-- Edited by Melissa21 on Thursday 25th of June 2009 07:53:55 PM
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
FIRST , DETACHMENT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MANIPULATING HIM , ITS ABOUT CONTROLING YOURSELF AND YOUR REACTIONS TO WHAT HE IS DOING . You are not responsible for your husb behavior , if he makes an ass out of himself at this party so be it , no excuses please . If people ask y ou whats wrong with him , simply say I am not sure why don't u ask him? and walk away . enjoy your parties he will do what he has to do . period And trying to talk to husb abot his drinking is as u found out a waste of time and always good for a fight , being polite makes no difference it is an attack to them , and again a fight ensues which gives him a reason in his mind to drink more , cause your a nag or a B^*(ch--- am sure u heard it all before . Until your husb says that his drinking is causing him a problem it ISN'T its causing you a problem . until we step back and allow them to grow up and take responsibility for thier own behavior absolutley nothing will change , we lie for them , we make excuses for thier behavior to family and friends , we cover up thier mistakes we believe the lies over and over again . Nothing changes til someone changes . enjoy your parties . You are not responsible for his behavior
Until your husb says that his drinking is causing him a problem it ISN'T its causing you a problem .
Very wise words Abby.
Jerry is correct in saying that until you believe and know you are powerless, detachment is very difficult. It all reminds me of a Christmas party we went to in a friend's brand new house. My husband got drunk, fell down the stairs and put a hole in their wall with his head. It was late and I was ready to leave and had told him so more then once before the incedent happened. He ignored me and continued to drink. So....I said my goodbyes and told him I was leaving. He ignored me again ...and then I left.
I didn't make a scene. I simply went home. I didn't worry about how he was going to get home or if he made more of an ass of himself. Wasn't my problem. He was a grown man with a growing problem and it wasn't mine to deal with.
Whenever we went to a get together I always had a plan B. Usually it was an extra set of keys. If he wouldn't give me the keys I'd just use mine...and leave.
If I didn't want to leave I'd stay and keep my distance mentally and physically. I made sure I had a good time and ignored any of his antics
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Christy - Wonderful...this is the way to go and you are a very wise lady. I can only add any value to your words by saying that your actions and thoughts are the way to go and I hope that they you (((((Eve55))))).
Jerry wrote - Aloha Eve...before I learned detachment I had to learn powerlessness; the reality and the practice of it. And this is the foundation for recovery to build upon.
Admittance of your own powerlessness over the alcoholic in your life, over their drinking, over their choice.
The power YOU DO HAVE, is to make choices of your own and CHANGE something in you.
Remember too - Until your husb says that his drinking is causing him a problem it ISN'T its causing you a problem . Very wise words Abby - words I totally agree with.
Go to meetings and find your road to a healthier life style by beginning to look at where you stand, what your options are, and how you can changes the things you can and accept the things you cannot change by the grace of the God of the Serenity Prayer.
Eve I am praying for your guidance and your acceptance and understanding of what you can do for you by making the simple changes in you and discovering your powerlessness over his choices. Finding and acknowledging your powerlessness enables one to begin to deal with it in a totally different way and leads to a detachment of negative things, where one begins to identify the positive action that is possible thus changing their "what seems to be" impossible situation into a truly possible "I can do [modus operandus - my pet words for positive work on me ] "
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Alot of GREAT, GREAT shares here. Thanks for posting. I love the idea of telling people to ask HIM what's wrong. I have had to learn how to detach from my fear of other's judgements of how I handle the situations with my A. I KNOW detachment takes time. For me, I had to remind myself constantly that I was dealing with an A and that he was going to behave like an A and I could not expect rational things from him. If I kept my expectations in check and didn't depend on him to behave like an emotionally healthy indvidual- I prevented alot of resentment and anger from budding.
. So currently there is a fair amount of tension between us.
